I am a transwoman, ask me anything.

[AriadneRose]

I have been following what has been going on here and on twitter, and thought maybe it would be helpful to open a dialogue that is not reactionary or fueled by anger. So I am offering my own personal perspective as a transwoman, and am willing to answer any questions people might have, and I will try to answer them thoughtfully, respectfully and honestly.

Note: I did not create this thread to stir up trouble, I just feel open dialogue from both sides is necessary for us to move forward.

Can you answer any of the questions regarding the TRA narrative and if that is representative of what trans people see as progression of acceptance, and what you believe counts as acceptance and validation? Is it enough to be accepted and treated with respect and dignity as a trans woman, or is the ultimate goal and pinnacle of acceptance to be considered a biological woman?

I'm only pushing this because I feel this is where the majority of the disconnect lies between women and trans women. I don't think there are any other groups that would be pitted against each other to the extent that those two are at the moment, because obviously if the answer to my question is "yes, the only real acceptance and validation is to be viewed as the exact same as a natal woman in all areas", then there will always be this conflict. Because of the disconnect with the reality, and the potential impact that disconnect can have on women.

@NotTerfNorCis

As much as it pains me to say, I think that is true. While third gender identities have existed for centuries, it is only recently that it is being explored and talked about more. It is a relatively new school of thought in the scheme of things. I do hope that in the future there are better methods of dealing with it, but I fear it will not be in my lifetime, so I have to work with the options that I am given, which are limited. I hope that there is some breakthrough in the future that will take the suffering out of this situation.

There's only one type of woman, the biological kind. Anything else is pretty insulting.

If AriadneRose redefines 'woman' in such a way as to make it fit h, then it will no longer describe me. Or in all likelihood most women.

It's completely unacceptable to take a critically important biological name from billions of oppressed people and render it meaningless so that they can no longer refer to themselves as a group.

Just because you want it and you know you can only have it if you change it.

Leaving me with two options:
Either I concede that male people have successfully claimed the word for female, because they wield the power to do this, and I accept that my half of the human race no longer can refer to themselves in any way other than that approved by the males.

Or I hurt your feelings and say "you are not a woman, that word ONLY means adult human female, pick a new word for yourself and accept that we have the human right to be recognised as the opposite sex from you. Stop foisting 'gender' upon us - we don't share a gender or a sex with you. Stop it."

TLDR. I'm saying No.

Just identified. Weren't pregnant.

I think you’re doing really well, Ariadne. There are a lot of very angry people here, understandably so, but you’re doing a great job of staying calm. Hopefully others can show you the same respect.

On the mental illness point - for me it is not whether this has an impact on your mental health (clearly it does - which is horrible) but the question is whether you consider your considering yourself to be a woman and the mismatch between your identity and your biological reality to be a mental illness?

^^ this is what I was trying to ask before .

The problem is that this thread is very typical of transwomen.

A thread to mansplain transwomen shows up that you don't get women's experience at all. You claim to feel like a woman it is abundantly clear you've no idea what that feels like at all.

If transwomen in general - and I have met some very clued up ones - were less ignorant of women's experience they would get much better response.

I wish there could be a breakthrough in male violence and toxic masculinity, because that would relieve a lot of suffering experienced by women.

*Being a woman doesn't 'erase a target on your forehead'.

It makes you much more likely to be the victim of abuse, assault, harassment, sexual assault and violent crime.

It's really unhelpful to minimise the reality of male violence towards women in these discussions.*

I have to say I agree with this. I like to respect people's individuality and the fact that everyone faces adversity, but this comes across as in incredibly privileged and male way to view the reality of being female.

third gender identities are born out of rigid patriarchal societies and created for effeminate men.

There's only one type of woman, the biological kind. Anything else is pretty insulting.

^ This.

I've seen this a few times on MN. A trans woman explains their experiences, their views, their opinions, their struggles etc etc etc.

And takes no notice of those expressed by women.

I'm curious to know what you think of a personal theory I have. This is only based on my own thoughts, and has no basis in experience so I'm happy for you to call bullshit.

From reading about and talking to some transwomen, it appears to me that pre-transition they feel being a woman will solve a lot of problems for them and make them feel better, whatever form that might take. I think at that point they (inevitably) have a man's perspective on being what a woman is and in my experience, men struggle to understand just how much being a man has benefited them personally in life, and just how much being a woman basically sucks. I think many pre-transition men believe that when they become a woman they will gain things - as sense of belonging and a secure identity perhaps - when in fact because our society is a misogynistic one at its core, being a woman or associating yourself with womanly things diminishes you in the eyes of society. While for born women this is just a reality and something a lot of women don't even question, I think for transitioning men this is a massive massive shock and they experience that diminishment as violence and unacceptable oppression. Really, all they're experiencing is the full force of society's view on feminine things thrown at them with some added prejudice.

What I'm saying is, that the sense of danger, insecurity and threat that transwomen experience is part and parcel of being a woman. I think transwomen react so strongly to it because having been men they've never really experience it before - it feels personal and it feels like it's directed at them because of their trans status but I think a lot of the time it really isn't - it's actually just what born women experience being directed at them because of their female presentation. I think if more trans people would realise that and stop thinking they are somehow 'more oppressed' or being oppressed by women, then actually huge amounts of progress could be made societally. I think the reason that's not happening is because transwomen still operate under the male socialisation of seeing themselves as individuals first, therefore their suffering is unique to them. Sorry but when you become a woman you become part of the amorphous blob that is Woman, you are no longer Individual Important Man whose suffering and achievement means something. Don't like that situation? Stop blaming women for it, we think it sucks too. We did not create the situation.

It's really unhelpful to minimise the reality of male violence towards women in these discussions.

Indeed. As several have pointed out. It's also unhelpful to keep evading the issue.

@christinarossetti (my favourite poet by the way)

This is another case of my fingers typing before my brain thought it through. I have been sexually assaulted and abused by a partner since I began my transition. I know this does not make up for me speaking in ignorance. I am aware of male violence towards women, I have seen it destroy the lives of women in my family. I know, owing to my size and girth, that I am less of a target. It was just a case of me letting my experiences override the issues of women, and I am sorry that I diminished them with that statement, it was not my intent.

RidingWindhorses Hence why I won't bite. I'm watching, waiting for it to go the usual way. Bingo anyone?

AriadneRose - asking again - why do you assume that the primary need is for women to be educated about trans issues? Why do you not arrive here and ask how trans people can be better educated about women's issues?

This is a feminist forum. It centres women and their rights - trans issues are often talked about because they impinge on women's rights.

These are my questions for you: what do you intend to do to help feminists protect their sex-based rights and services? What interest do you have in educating yourself about these pressing issues for feminists? Or is your only purpose here to persuade us to centre your needs instead of our own? Why does your OP assume we are ignorant of the problems faced by trans people?

I have to agree with posie - if we can free ourselves from these narrow gender stereotypes a lot of this just disappears. Because it wouldn’t matter if anyone was a typical boy, or an effeminate boy - you’d just be YOU. And there would be a few spaces/situations where biological sex would matter, because it does, but everyone generally would just get on with living.

This thread is so much like the men that come on here and announce their arrival.

Frankly I don't wish or need to know why you think you're a woman, I don't care enough to entertain it. You're not. You've no experience of all of the things that make me female, none. By the sounds of it you've never really bothered to listen to women past the bits you can co-opt.

*Being a woman doesn't 'erase a target on your forehead'.
....

It's really unhelpful to minimise the reality of male violence towards women in these discussions.*

^ repeating this. To suggest otherwise is male privilege which ultimately is the root of the issue. Men wanting to take womanhood.

@CoteDAzur

I don't feel like a woman, I just am one. Just like I don't feel like a human, I just am one.
You don't get to be the last word on how other people feel.

I don't feel like a woman, or feel human. I am those things, as you say. When transpeople tell me they feel differently, I don't distrust their word because it doesn't resonate with me.

I feel unhappy to work in high heels and makeup*. It's an emotional reaction. I hate it. Most women are happy to work like that. They could be lying. They could be deluded. Or perhaps we just feel things differently.

• you could substitute makeup for sexual attraction, nationality or culture...These feelings sometimes only become apparent when they are in conflict with the external world e.g. I feel very European or British even when I travel to other continents.

"I will admit my idea of womanhood for me personally is probably just a mishmash of stereotypes that have been handed down to me over the generations."

And do you think the law should recognise that and allow you to be on a woman's hospital ward?

Sorry I haven’t read all the answers yet so don’t know if someone’s asked this.

In the past couple of years there’s been so much talk of trans rights and trans awareness. Has it made things better or worse? I can’t help think with all the politically correct and mustn’t not offend people (there was uproar on twitter when a girl wore a Chinese dress to prom as she wasn’t Chinese) is it actually making more issues than solving? If I realised someone in the women’s toilets (chances are I wouldn’t notice) I would never of given it a second thought long before the big American debates over it. I just wondered if things are going forwards or backwards for most trans people with public acceptance

I realise you have a lot of questions coming at you but I'd still like mine answered. You've partially addressed the misgendering and deadnaming by saying you mind when it's used against you but that's also the experience of women. I'm well aware that when I get called sir it's code for woman are unwelcome here and using my DH surname for me is also often a means of admonishment for my thinking I'm a person in my own right.

So I do get it's annoying but 'literal violence'? really?

Why not embrace it as giving more insight into what it's like being a woman?