Surely it would be something like “I prefer to use my right hand to do stuff like writing, holding a tennis racket and opening jars.” That’s what being right handed means.
But that's not what makes me right handed. That's just stuff that happens after the fact because I already was right handed. Going deeper than that, I can't explain it though. Why am I right handed? Why can't I be left handed? Why can't I be both? Does it feel the same as other right handed people? I can't answer any of those questions, in the same way I can't tell you why I'm a woman, or what it "feels like", or whether my experience is the same as anyone elses.
This is something I have no choice in. I've spent most of my life trying to deny it. To continue the analogy, I've spent most of my life trying to pretend I was left handed, in a world full of people telling me I'm left handed, it's never been right. I'm not left handed, and I can't make myself left handed or be socialised in to it. I can pretend, but that gets hard to sustain eventually, and it's very isolating, because no one ever gets to see the real me, I'm always lying through omission to people when I let them believe I'm left handed.
And yeah, I know it's a stupid analogy, but I use it, because it's an innate aspect of people that we're born with, that isn't inherently visible, and one in which people have been forced to use a hand they're not comfortable with.
My gender identity is like that. And I have no answers for why it is the way it is. It's just there. And it won't go away. And it closed me off from people in my life, and was sending me to ever darker places. It put a barrier between me and my own emotions, and it robbed my life of richness.
And I fully accept that many people simply won't see it as valid. And I accept that people won't or can't understand it. But it got to the point where I had no choice, because whether you or anyone else understands it or not, it's real, and it's not going anywhere, and ignoring it was slowly destroying my life.
This, right here, out in the open, with people who won't accept my identity, with politicians arguing for the right to treat me differently, with the backlash I face, it's still better than where I was at, because I'm finally not pretending to be someone I'm not. And I wish I could explain it in a way that would let other people understand, but, I can't. I try, but I know it doesn't work, yet still, I'm happier than I've ever been. I've got purpose and passion for life back. My relationship with my son is richer and healthier, I'm closer to my mother than I've ever been in my life, I'm socially active, I'm volunteering, both at parkrun and within trans communities.
And that stuff makes it worth it, living as me, and getting to live for the first time in my life, that's worth all of the other stuff.