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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

A man said the most vile thing to me today

201 replies

CircleSquareCircleSquare · 08/04/2018 16:56

I was getting the kids out of the car today at the garden centre. I was flustered and probably looked grumpy because I’d just mopped up vomit and as I was chucking tissues into the bin a guy walked up to me (he actually seemed to change his direction of travel to engage with me) and said “hey baby, smile”.

I ignored him and started to walk in the direction of my kids and the car when he half shouts “hey baby, HEY BABY, you’re beautiful when you’re angry, let me suck your clitty”.

A woman walking nearby toward her car was stopped in her tracks by how foul it was and turned around and said “what did you say?” but the idiot was off and running.

Why do they think they can say this stuff to us? Why did he think he could interrupt my day with his odious, aggressive expression of control?

I’m going to talk out every single time a man makes me feel like this. I will not allow men to feel comfortable living in a world where this happens. This is not fair.

No it’s not a physical assault but it will stay with me for weeks, I won’t feel safe in that car park, I’ll be on edge even more than usual for weeks, everywhere I go. WHY should I have to feel like that because of his pathetic controlling, sexualised nature?

OP posts:
tiktok · 09/04/2018 16:40

Circle, that's brilliant the garden centre are taking it seriously and may be able to ID him.

Becauseimworthit79 · 09/04/2018 17:23

I can’t believe my comment was deleted! I made the comment I did because I could not believe anyone would defend and minimise this behaviour as “just a few cheeky words”. The man was trying to intimidate the OP using sexually aggressive and misogynistic language!
Anyway, OP I am very sorry this happened to you and hope you’re feeling better today.

Becauseimworthit79 · 09/04/2018 17:24

OH, and you did the right thing by reporting.

Newsofas · 09/04/2018 19:30

To those women saying it’s just comments and a bit of fun / no it isn’t. As a teenage I would avoid walking past a building site. I would wear a jumper tied around my waist to over my bum, I would look down at the floor so that I didn’t catch anyone’s attention. The cat calls, nice legs shame about the face comments completely knocked my confidence as a young woman. I’ve had hands up my shorts on the tube, flashed at twice at uni, and my breasts groaped. Now that I’m 53 I’m invisible and you know what I can wear what I want now.

SophoclesTheFox · 09/04/2018 19:36

Glad that you got such a positive response circle, that is quite heartening. Good on you for standing up for yourself.

CrustyCob · 09/04/2018 19:47

@CircleSquareCircleSquare, I am glad that the garden centre are taking things seriously and looking at the CCTV. Let's hope that they recognise him.

OlennasWimple · 09/04/2018 22:05

I'm glad the owner responded so well to your call, OP.

I got called a "dirty bitch" at the weekend for ordering something from the menu that is said to be an aphrodisiac. This was apparently a "joke". It was one of DH's friends that said it. I'm still trying to process what happened and what to do next TBH

Italiangreyhound · 09/04/2018 23:57

How vile, what a prick. Angry

GabsAlot · 11/04/2018 17:43

any update from them circle?

Original poster
CircleSquareCircleSquare · 11/04/2018 17:46

I haven’t heard back from them but she did say it might take a while because she isn’t familiar with the technology and whoever usually deals with her CCTV is away.
I’ll give them a call on Friday if I haven’t heard back and I’ll make sure you let you all know as soon as I hear anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
CircleSquareCircleSquare · 22/04/2018 23:54

I meant to update this over the weekend.
I went in to see the owner today on the way past. She had been away and thought someone else had contacted me.

They have found the guy on the CCTV and have asked me if I want to go to the police with it. I’m thinking about it. I’ve found out I’m pregnant this week, so I’m not sure if I’m up for a battle or not.

OP posts:
Itscurtainsforyou · 22/04/2018 23:56

That's great. It's completely up to you, but I would as I think he needs to realise what he did was completely out of order

UpstartCrow · 22/04/2018 23:57

Why the hell don't they just find out who he is and bar him? They don't have to involve you at all.

AnitaLovesVictor · 23/04/2018 00:07

Congrats on your pregnancy. Thanks

That's great news they've found him - it's your choice now.

AngryAttackKittens · 23/04/2018 07:07

He should be barred regardless of whether or not you choose to go to the police.

TomRavenscroft · 23/04/2018 10:13

Definitely involve the police, but they should ban him too.

Waddlelikeapenguin · 23/04/2018 10:50

Congratulations Flowers
I'm surprised they didnt report to the police themselves.

onefootinthegrave · 23/04/2018 11:18

|I remember years ago waiting on a northern line platform and sitting next to an elderly man because I thought I'd be safe.
He started talking to me and I was politely answering him back, but then sensed something wasn't right so I stopped talking to him & when he asked why I said I had a headache. To which he replied 'You'll feel better once you've met your boyfriend and sucked his cock'

I was so shocked for a split second I didn't react and then anger kicked in and I stood up and told him to fuck off. HE then started ranting 'I won't fuck off but I'll fuck you, do you think I couldn't fuck you because I could' etc etc.

I really wish I'd found a member of LU staff to report him to at the least, because who knows if he sat there regularly doing this to other young women. I was only 19 but in those days I looked so young, I could have passed for 15. This was the 80's before CCTV I'd imagine but if a man thinks it's ok to say stuff like that to a young teen, or to shout out 'let me suck your clitty' in a public space with other people around, they need to be reported to someone incase it's something they do on a regular basis.

That doesn't make me someone who thinks all men are rapists @mommy

But I'm 46 now and if I'm ever on that same platform, I remember that sick fuck and wish I'd kicked him in the bollocks, to be honest.

onefootinthegrave · 23/04/2018 11:20

PS congratulations on your pregnancy!

joystir59 · 23/04/2018 11:23

What really pissed me off is how things like this take us unaware, so we don't respond in the moment and are left carrying the anger around with us. Grrrrr!

joystir59 · 23/04/2018 11:30

When I was briefly homeless I placed an additional on a notice board asking for people to respond if they had a room to rent. Naive and desperate at the time. A bloke texted me and then we spoke several times about the room, how much, how to manage shared spaces etc and he was so plausible. And then the day we were to meet up in person he didnt turn up, he just rang me and said 'I can't wait to fuck you'

AncientLights · 23/04/2018 11:49

It's a bit off-topic but it seems to be common now for landlords to request sex as a form of payment for accommodation. Not usually in the formal contracts people have as a tenant, but that informal renting a room out in his house kind of way. Good job he phoned you, joystir, and you found out about him early on.

I wonder what CircleSquare did in the end? As we see from above, pregnancy is no protection from these creeps. Ugh.

KingLooieCatz · 23/04/2018 11:56

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Back when DH investigated hate crime for a living he did indeed track people down through CCTV for the likes of shouting racist abuse from the comfort of a moving vehicle, and would be frustrated if he didn't get a prosecution out of it (IIRC on turned out to a works van and they claimed to be unable to identify who was using it at the time). Regardless of whether it goes past the point of the vehicle owner being interviewed by the police, or failing that, barred from the garden centre, it makes the point that the behavior is unacceptable and people that behave like this can and will be challenged. If you go to police, hopefully the case comes to the attention to someone with the will and determination to at least make the man very uncomfortable. Could be an offence under public order section 5, I'm not legally qualified, just saying don't feel it's too minor a thing to report:

The offence is created by section 5 of the Public Order Act 1986. Section 5(1) provides:
"(1) A person is guilty of an offence if he/she: (a) uses threatening [or abusive] words or behaviour, or disorderly behaviour, or(b) displays any writing, sign or other visible representation which is threatening [or abusive],within the hearing or sight of a person likely to be caused harassment, alarm or distress thereby."

Flippetydip · 23/04/2018 12:35

I would at least report it to the police. They probably won't prosecute but even a knock on his door would put the fear of God into him. I reported someone for flicking the bird at me whilst I had the kids in the car. I expected nothing to be done but the police paid him a visit.]

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

KatherinaMinola · 23/04/2018 12:50

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I would report it to the police, and I am also surprised that the garden centre didn't undertake to report it themselves.