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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

A man said the most vile thing to me today

201 replies

CircleSquareCircleSquare · 08/04/2018 16:56

I was getting the kids out of the car today at the garden centre. I was flustered and probably looked grumpy because I’d just mopped up vomit and as I was chucking tissues into the bin a guy walked up to me (he actually seemed to change his direction of travel to engage with me) and said “hey baby, smile”.

I ignored him and started to walk in the direction of my kids and the car when he half shouts “hey baby, HEY BABY, you’re beautiful when you’re angry, let me suck your clitty”.

A woman walking nearby toward her car was stopped in her tracks by how foul it was and turned around and said “what did you say?” but the idiot was off and running.

Why do they think they can say this stuff to us? Why did he think he could interrupt my day with his odious, aggressive expression of control?

I’m going to talk out every single time a man makes me feel like this. I will not allow men to feel comfortable living in a world where this happens. This is not fair.

No it’s not a physical assault but it will stay with me for weeks, I won’t feel safe in that car park, I’ll be on edge even more than usual for weeks, everywhere I go. WHY should I have to feel like that because of his pathetic controlling, sexualised nature?

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 09/04/2018 00:34

you're still doing it...

if you despise this section so much then maybe don't engage? Do you think your posts will be helping the OP?

mommy2018 · 09/04/2018 00:35

@thebewilderness How can I be punished for repeating the same comment my posts were deleted for, if the ptb don't let you know? I deliberately used language that was different eg As previously said, as repeating the stuff that was deleted is against the rules, when replying to a poster who asked me to "explain myself". The only thing I repeated was when i bought up the nastiness that seems to be allowed toward me and questioned why my comments had been deleted. But neither of those are against the rules so my comments weren't deleted for that.
I have had my original question answered now (i'll agree to disagree but then we cant all be the same) but I am still mightly confused as to why comments and pms to myself (which clearly break several rules) have been left to stand but mine have been deleted. It all seems very pick and choose to me.
Confused

TerranceandPhilip · 09/04/2018 00:38

Why would an alleged police officer spend six hours on a thread about women's experiences of offensive sexual comments, and not once encourage them to speak to a local police officer?

Yes because the internet doesn't exist on phones. You must be sat at a computer for the entire time you're on here. It's impossible to dip in and out!

AssassinatedBeauty · 09/04/2018 00:39

Have you reported them @mommy2018? At this time of night they won't be looked at until the morning. You can post in The Night Watch section if you want to get them looked at before then, but they can only hide posts not remove them completely.

Rather than repeatedly post on here about your confusion over deleted posts, it's probably better to email MNHQ and ask them.

thebewilderness · 09/04/2018 00:57

I repeat: Your dismissal of the OP's clearly stated experience and feelings was inexcusable, mommy2018.

Blackbirdblue30 · 09/04/2018 01:02

I've had this shit for over 20 years and I'm only 34. I've started finally to shout at them.
'Your mother- your sister- your wife and your daughter all have this from creatures like you- etc.' I followed one once to keep shouting at him (I don't look scary) and he got afraid.

mommy2018 · 09/04/2018 01:07

Thank u @assinated, I did not realise that it was a time of day thing (didn't know there was a night watch either). On the app so couldn't see an email.
I have reported 1 of the comments & the pm but I'm not 1 for reporting usually as I worry that I may have misunderstood (so easy to do when it's on the internet) as I know people have misunderstood me before which is why I want to know what I have done wrong so I can correct that moving forward as I don't mean to minimise, offend or humiliate any1 as it hurts (more so on the internet because people can't see the true hurt it causes).
Not a new poster but been away for a number of years so everything has changed so much lol I didn't even know what a troll hunter was until about 2 months ago lol

mommy2018 · 09/04/2018 01:29

@thebewilderness I'm unclear as to your intention in repeating yourself but in case u missed it, I apologised to the OP as I had somehow missed the post where she stated the man was being physically threatening through his body language.
I want to be perfectly clear (I thought I had been already) that I find ^ that behaviour abhorrent and was the exact opposite of what I am ok with (ie "catcalling"), and I believe IS a criminal offense in the form of "causing fear of violence without the use of a weapon" (possibly not the exact wording but u catch my drift).
I'm not going to keep repeating my problem with what has gone on here tonight (last night) on the thread as it is not fair but I feel u may be misunderstanding my point so will leave it at that.
Brew

SecretsRsecrets · 09/04/2018 03:32

Coming in late here after reading TFT, but just want to add my support.

I'm really sorry that happened to you *@CircleSquareCircleSquare * and hope that he can be tracked down and cautioned/charged.

It is scary when this happens because the creeps that behave this way seem to believe that they have the right to do this. They continually get away with verbally abusing women (some of them may even escalate to further abuse). They no longer see women as other people, but as objects that they can abuse. I agree with the OP and all the others, it is important to take this seriously!

I went to school (a program related to police work) with and became friends with a number of officers, and none of them would minimize this.

Hope you are having a good night CircleFlowersWine

mamahanji · 09/04/2018 09:59

It makes me depressed knowing my girls are going to grow up to face these vile comments from random pond scum.

My worst was standing outside a shop waiting for my brother, and a dirty old lech came over to me told me I had 'cracking tits' and asked if I like it in the ass.Luckily my brother heard him and is a 6ft 3 RAF vet and scared the shit out of him. What's more disgusting is I was very heavily pregnant at the time.

It was horrible when I was pregnant be first time. I had all sorts of horrible unwanted attention from men when in town. My partner actually hated us going to town because the reactions I got were really creepy. At first I thought I was imagining it because who on earth would try and come on to an obviously pregnant woman, but even other people noticed.

Made me feel really vulnerable and uneasy. I usually respond to inappropriate attention with verbal put downs, but when I was pregnant it just made me feel awful and scared.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/04/2018 10:07

I'm so sorry this happened to you op

It deeply saddens me how used to this crap we are that it's so normalized and shrugged off.

I am so scared for my two Dds.

Flowers
safeseat · 09/04/2018 10:17

TerranceandPhilip You seem like more of a Tumblr anti-feminist type than a police officer.

Timefortea99 · 09/04/2018 11:50

There should be zero tolerance for this sort of behaviour. Zero tolerance from everybody including other women who say it is not harmful. It is. Anything that stops you carrying out your normal activities without either the fear of someone saying something obscene or going on to touch you, is harmful. There are no positives to be taken from this type of behaviour. I used to go out of my way to avoid building sites from early teens due to the fear of receiving vile comments. If other women smile when somebody shouts about your chest are making it worse for other women. It is perpetuating and rewarding the bad behaviour.

Original poster
CircleSquareCircleSquare · 09/04/2018 14:22

Just wanted to update and let you all know I phoned the garden centre earlier and the owner was disgusted by what she heard. She said CCTV covers that part of the car park so she would review the images and asked for my number plate and what time I had been there so she could zoom in if necessary. She was really kind and so upset about what had happened and said she would stand for it.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 09/04/2018 14:27

good news circle thanks for letting us know-hope he gets caught

sparklepops123 · 09/04/2018 14:58

Good for you op Smile

TomRavenscroft · 09/04/2018 15:15

Good! Well done, OP.

Slowlygettingthehangofthings · 09/04/2018 15:18

Sorry to derail slightly but just wanted to add that I'm glad other people have shared that they experienced an increase in sexual harassment when they were heavily pregnant. It isn't just me then! I thought it was so odd but honestly I couldn't believe the wolf whistles and lewd comments that I would get as I was waddling along. Is this a thing?

Slowlygettingthehangofthings · 09/04/2018 15:20

Plus well done to you OP for taking this up with the garden center manager. Hopefully this creep will get caught.

Original poster
CircleSquareCircleSquare · 09/04/2018 15:25

*wouldn’t stand for it

Thanks everyone.

Also re the pregnancy thing, I’ve had that too! The first time was when I was 19 and around 27-8 weeks and at my placement with uni when a patient - in front of nurses, doctors, consultants, medical students and other patients (no shame) - said “I wouldn’t have minded lending you a helping hand to get in that state”.
I’ve had it in subsequent pregnancies too.

OP posts:
mamahanji · 09/04/2018 15:25

Slowlygetting

I was shocked too and convinced myself that I was misreading it as who would possibly be like that with a heavily pregnant woman. Until my dp and other people also commented on it and the comments because unmistakenly lewd and sexual.

Catcalling and unwanted attentions is horrible at the best of times, but when I was pregnant I felt like I was covered in slime and ashamed.

Slowlygettingthehangofthings · 09/04/2018 15:33

I felt so vulnerable. Where I work I have to walk down a secluded back lane to get to my office. I don't like it at the best of times but being less mobile made me feel especially vulnerable. Could that be part of the kick, perhaps? Picking on a heavily pregnant woman or one with children because it's even more violating and intimidating.
Thanks for starting this thread OP. I feel better to hear other people say the same thing has happened to them! (Although I'm sorry you had a shitty experience in the first place 💐)

Slowlygettingthehangofthings · 09/04/2018 15:34

mamahanji
When you're pregnant you expect a degree of protection from this as sort of thing, don't you! Not for it to be ramped up!

Bumblebzz · 09/04/2018 15:52

Well done OP for reporting this - I agree that nothing less than zero tolerance is good enough.

mummybear701 · 09/04/2018 16:38

I wonder how many cases like these get away as the victim doesn't complain when it would help police see how often this happens. Don't have time, scared police won't take it seriously, he'll say its my fault for......

terrence what dross. Even a knock on the door on this man would give him enough of a fright (hopefully) even if it wouldn't come to court.