Being wary of men because of your experience of male violence

[GoldenWonderwall]

I’ve namechanged for this as I usually post shite. Anyway...

I’ve been a victim of male sexual violence and violence on so many occasions. From being a little girl to a grown professional woman. Violence from strangers, partners, friends and colleagues. The only thing this lot had in common besides their criminality is that they are all men that I’ve had the misfortune to be in the vicinity of. I’m rarely around men I don’t trust now especially if I feel in any way vulnerable.

If you met me you might you might not believe someone as outwardly privileged and generally quite average as me had been through the experiences I have had. I’d be one of those white middle class feminists who needs to check my privilege.

So when people say namalt and you shouldn’t tar all men with the same brush, you shouldn’t be afraid of men etc which seems to happen so regularly on any discussion regarding male violence, at what point can those people say, oh well actually I can see where you’re coming from? You have a point? Your lived experience has numerous examples of sexual and sex based violence towards you from men and I take that on board? I recognise your experience and I’m not going to dismiss it with a namalt or glibly suggest you get counselling for your issues.

I’m ok that I’m wary of men in general because of my experiences. I’m ok if other women are wary of men too, who would I be to judge.

Does anyone understand what I’m trying to say? I’m sure someone more thoughtful could sum it up in a sentence!

for anyone effected by my post.

That must be awful OP

I've had some experience of harrassment and I get very annoyed with all the "NAMALT". There's clearly enough of it about for women to be wary and for facilities to be designed with it in mind.

the thing is, I was thinking the other day about male violence generally and how young men are often victims and generally concluded...men barely care about male violence in any form.

So I think it's totally reasonable to conclude that men are part of the same problem. I think some people get cross when I don't NAMALT because the reality is unbearable for them to think about.

I've been talking to DS2 about his late DF and what he did in his small ways to reduce male violence. Was touched to discover that DS already does that crossing the road thing so that a woman walking ahead knows he isn't following her. Told him the lay by story as a heads up.

Brilliant thread, some of the posts have been real light-bulb moments for me, thank you.

I am definitely wary of men - i think it's perfectly reasonable to be wary when you consider their violence and abuse of women. And it is sad how many women feel 'lucky' when they face low level abuse from men. It's completely fucked that women feel LUCKY to be treated as only slightly less than human.

We feel gratitude when men treat us like human beings ffs! I do the same so I'm not pointing fingers. Men really have done a number on us.

Prawn I would be horrified if a man tried to talk to me while my car was broken down.

last time it happened, I actually shouted out "oh AA just round the corner" to a couple of men who stopped. Because they're men I know nothing about.

then a woman stopped and offered to wait with me. I agreed to that.

I'd rather wait alone than have a man try to "reassure me".

same here golden

but whenever a boy is violent people just say "boys will be boys"

and whenever a man is violent people just say "not all men"

Sorry, should have explained more. It was before dawn in a very long layby. He pulled in a good 100 yards back, got out, and stood with his hands spread out in an open position. Just stood. Didn't approach. She got out, at which he said he wasn't going to come any closer but did she need help getting AA. She didn't have AA. Said he would stay to keep an eye. A little while later the police arrived to ask did she need help (yes) and if DH was a problem. She immediately said that no, he'd stopped to help and kept at a long distance, thereby not intimidating her. She praised him.

Prawn, that would totally freak me out.

is this the days before mobile phones? That's about the only circumstance in which I think it might help to shout out "I'll go and get help".

Yes, it was pre mobile phones. That's why it made sense. Because if some other man with bad intentions had pulled up he was there as a witness. There was no need for him to approach her. He just stayed until the police turned up.

ah right

I still half wonder if I'd rather just sit in my car till police came by, not sure.

For me it has only been low-level stuff.

But enough knowledge of what can happen to be very wary men.

I'm old enough now to admit how I feel. As a young woman I think I had not really put it together on my head.

My heart goes out to all womem and girls hurt by men and boys.

Pre mobile phones I'd have felt safer knowing there was a bloke with enough common sense not to expect me to trust him but who was concerned enough not to leave me unprotected.

I think they both got back in their cars after he'd made contact. But he had to speak to her initially because if he hadn't explained his actions she would've been terrified. The police were naturally a bit sceptical about the 'white knight' but she was very positive about his intervention. He came home very chipper with himself.

In my teens I was threatened with violence by an ex. A friend who was there said he was no fighter and he couldn't stop the beating but he could be a witness. He just stayed put. It worked. I'll always be grateful for his courage. He was so scared but he stuck up for me.

Same sort of thing. Men being realistic about the fact that a lot of men can often be dangerous to women and being prepared to act on it. Too many men downplay male aggression.

If women refused to have sex with misogynists we could break the bastards in a couple of generations. Sadly it's a bit more complicated than that.

I started this thread a few months ago so it’s nice to see it persists.

It doesn’t matter how serious a sexual assault is - it’s a sexual assault. Having my breasts grabbed has had a massive effect on me, in some ways more and more immediate than more serious things. It shouldn’t happen at all. It’s ok not to minimise

Prawn your husband sounds very caring.

Sorry late husband.

I used to think I much preferred the company of men. In the past I've both tried to be more like a man and be liked more by men (be the cool girl etc). Now I can see that was all probably just survival tactics.

So much to agree with on this thread but this is exactly my experience.

Prawn, please don't take this personally, just thinking through that scenario. When I began driving, I didn't have a mobile phone either.

so at some point your husband had to speak to her to say what he was doing? couldn't he have just said "I'll go to a phone box and call for help"? Then he wouldn't have had to lurk there.

what makes him any more safe than another strange man? What could have happened if she had just waited there and not opened the door to a strange man?

what she really needed, in a pre mobile age, was someone to call the police from a phone box surely?

and you say "he came home very chipper". Men only get to be heroes because men are violent to women. It's all totally awful. What's to be "chipper" about in that scenario?

i'm sorry if I'm missing something but it sounds like "I, a man, will keep an eye on you in case a man decides to attack you".

Now if another random man would be coming along to attack her - was she in the car or outside of it - how would she know he wouldn't sit there for an hour as power play and then do it himself?

*or call the AA

I don't know what happened back then if you didn't have cover.

I was made aware of how violent females can be from what my brother told us after his divorce.
His ex was very controlling and would regularly pull a knife on him, and if he tried to leave the house to get away she would threaten to kill the children.
He was scared to inform the police as he didn't think they would believe him.
She caused a lot of bad things in our family, but as she was a woman she got away with it.

Vicky1990 That sounds awful. It's a shame he didn't tell the police because I am sure they are aware women can commit offenses too. I guess a few years back it was less well known but there are some awful women out there too.

Interesting how it’s turned into namalt and women do it too. It’s like an automatic, conditioned response that people can’t see past.

I do get hints of, if we don’t placate the nice men then they’d turn on us too. I’d really like to think my dh is not a simper away from turning into a rapist or abuser and neither are any of the nice men people are wont to defend on these kinds of threads. What does that say about men and women if it is true?

to the posters who understand and who have been there.

I've just been told on another thread that Vicky is a known MRA.

those response are the ones where I think "use your virtual ignore button". I was on a forum before we actually had an ignore button which was handy

About 13/4 being forced to put my hand down a boys trousers at school.Once one did it more followed suit. Almost raped by an older boy who was 'a friend' when 15. Mum happened to come looking for me oe he'd have suceeded. As a young women in 20s groped and sexually harrassed at work numerous times. I worked at bbc and we all know by now about the culture of misogny there. Many more but its making me angry just thinking about it and im trying to make my anger useful these days

Because of past experiences, one or two with ex h and being physically assaulted by ex p who then tried to gain access to my home, where my children also were, I will never have a relationship again.