Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

@EmilyHowardsWife
Maybe in the olden days, when this was all fields and cross dressers were just part timers who liked to relax in lingerie after a hard day managing a bank, the Beaumont Society line was more accurate.

On the other hand a society run (presumably) by cross dressers on behalf of cross dressers would always have had a vested interest in issuing propaganda designed to keep partners compliant.

It's a different world now though.

And the thing that terrified me during my days of looking at the WOBS Yahoo group to find support (about 5 years ago) was even then it was full of stories of women who felt trapped in abusive relationships with men who I now understand were autogynophiles.

It seems as if there is a grooming process whereby the autogynephile prepares his spouse so she will accept and facilitate his expression of his sexual orientation
It also seems as if she is used as a stepping stone along his journey into full blown autogynephilia, the marriage being a kind of chrysalis stage, he pupates and then emerges a gaudy Primadonna of a butterfly.

From the accounts that I'm reading the autogynephile looks for a woman with whom he can have a marriage and children, presumably because this makes it harder for her to leave, her presence being in some way essential to his transformation process?

I really hope you don’t mind me gatecrashing your thread - I just happened upon it but this describes my dad (and parents relationship) so accurately, it is incredible. I’m the adult daughter of a secret cross dresser and it’s interesting (and sad) to see the perspective of you as “widows”.
I believe there’s a massive mental health element to this “condition”.

Apologies for deliberate vagueness but similarities include:

• light cross dressing started soon after marriage

-very intelligent and academic but poor social skills (too old to be in IT but similar profile with successful career )

• mother (my grandmother) always wanted a girl, and apparently rejected my father after he was born
• family history of mental health issues, close relative had break down and now lives as trans woman
• problem escalated in last decade or so to involve more “extreme”

private cross dressing and subtle less private signs (eg hair removal)

• this all came to a head a few years ago when my mum found out he had got into a lot of debt despite having a good income
• has been critical of my mums appearance, I recall him being really unsympathetic when her appearance temporarily changed due to a medical condition. Also issues over control particularly financial (he hates that she has inherited some assets despite giving her peanuts as housekeeping for years)

My siblings and I have always disliked overly feminine styles of clothing and I’ve only Just realised that this may be why.

Obviously I can’t comment on the sexual side of things but I always got the sense this is a very very strong impulse and something that somehow helped him cope with life. What riles me is that my parents have always had a very traditional relationship and my mum picked up all of the “women’s work”... he doesn’t want to be like a woman that much!

I don’t think she would do anything about this unless he took it further and made it more public. It’s really interesting to read about your experiences and I wish you all the best & hope you find the happiness and self worth your partners are not able to give.

@peachpearplum01 It's not gate crashing! It's really interesting to hear your perspective. Particularly as most of us have children.

I'm curious as to how you found about about your Father's cross dressing. Did one of your parents tell you or did you find out some other way?

Thanks TinselAngel, I’ve never talked to anyone in real life apart from my sisters. I always knew about the mild cross dressing as it was done at home openly within our immediate family only. I knew I didn’t like it (as did my sibling) but didn’t think it was anything particularly harmful or a big deal.
My mum told my sibling about the more extreme cross dressing and debt (the sibling was really upset when they found out so told me but I wasn’t really surprised).
I’d subsequently talked to my mum about the debt situation and said I’d support her if she wanted to end the marriage, this was a few years back though.
I would say i haven’t been too affected by the cross dressing situation - my main concern is how my mum has been treated over the years and whether things will get worse for her.

Yes @peachpearplum01 it's never really the cross dressing per se, it the lying, recklessness, and continual erosion of boundaries that go with it.

My ex got us into terrible debt, only solved when we split up and sold the marital home. He had a sense of entitlement that he "deserved" things even if we couldn't afford them. I wonder if this is a common characteristic too?

Yes my ex has cut back on child maintenance and things he agreed to pay for to fund his new lifestyle. What's swimming lessons and school shoes when you have fake fannies to purchase?!

Yes absolutely - self entitlement and complete self absorption. No sense of responsibility for people they have actual responsibility for!
Sorry to hear about both your financial issues. I hope you are both happier and no doubt better off without your exes.

Well I certainly am!

Me too! Despite his pathetic attempts to cut off financial support. Basic child maintenance through the CMS is worth it for freedom!

We always feel like we should have known better than be taken in by a con artist, which is what these abusive men are.
I am so sorry they are doing these cruel things to you.

Great to see this thread, we all know women are not speaking out enough about the abuse and trauma, they are or have been through because there are no dedicated support groups and no research going on, women like us have have no platform to put our views and needs across. We need practical advise, legal support about our rights which are about to be lost if new trans legislation is not properly researched and takes into account the effect anyone just changing gender has on others who have married them.
There is abuse and bullying going on and the negative effects of transition on spouses and families and children is not being acknowledged or researched. It currently seems our transx's have the upper hand, when it comes to playing the system they know how to win, something we could learn from. It's not ok so many wives and kids are suffering in isolation. Numbers are growing, this thread seems to highlights this. I bet its already infiltrated as speaking out actually gives a very different perspective on this kind of abuse. But I really hope a real group does come out of it as we can sit here discussing or we can pressure those in power to take action to make sure real support is on place and is afforded by those medical practitioners who enable this to happen. I think we should all be writing to our MPs at the moment. This blog has been a useful resource on understanding the wider implications 4thwavenow.com/ and the madness of whats going on.

This article was posted in another thread (in AIBU - Brian from Hull becomes Katie from Nottingham or something along those lines) and thought you transwidows may be interested: autogynephiliatruth.wordpress.com/2015/05/16/this-is-how-autogynephiles-kill-women-2/

Terrifying 😱

Just came on here to give all of you that are going through this some support.

When will all of the bleeding hearts enabling these wolves in sheep's clothing to behave so selfishly and appallingly, realise that they are being conned?

Being a woman is not a fucking hobby, and the rights of a few autogynephiles should not override the rights of 50% of the population and their children. It should be seen for what it is, abuse and entitlement.

Sorry for the rant ladies, but I get so angry that you are all having to deal with this bullshit, and at this point, we're all too impotent to do anything about it.

The thread linked to above ( Brian from Hull becomes Katie ) is hilarious - the level of delusion from the guy to think that real women would want to get their pants off and become freaky in front of him - in his pretty pink head, this is just the kind of thing that women would do and give him a wad of cash too - no men though (even if they say they are women). I've noticed this a lot with AGPs they are the only true women - my husband cannot stand any masculinity - has to be lesbian - even on himself. In his delusion "I'm a woman/gender neutral person - but all the men and the ugly women are not" and therefore don't exist or are to be ignored.
I'm moving slowly through the pink fog - asked what my husband wanted for Xmas - answer: strap on dildo for me to take him from behind (just like a real lesbian couple!!!!!).
Here I was thinking he would like a political history book or the special cognac he likes - I half want to buy the dildo and give it to him at present opening time in front of our families - that would liven things up - although I might kill off my poor old aunt - or she just wouldn't get what it is :)
Read the "this is how AGP kills women" blog - sobering - I'm vowing to give up drinking - Im going to be healthy and strong next year.

Oh @EmilyHowardsWife. That bit about Christmas is so sad. You're not even allowed a break from it at Christmas.

I've got tears in my eyes thinking how miserable you must be.

I spent the last Christmas with my ex looking every half an hour to see if rooms at the nearest Premier Inn were still available, so strong was my desire to break out of the snare.

Solidarity sister x

Thinking of you Emily. Lots of women sending you love and solidarity.

I wish there was a transwidow fund we could all chip in to to help women escape from these tyrannical men

Emily . What a selfish prick your husband is - essentially he is saying that he wants you complicit in his fantasy in a role that he chooses for you, knowing that this is not your desire at all. So typical of so many men. It's the panting man on V-day with the sexy underwear and sex toys as a present (the kind that he bought because it would turn him on) a billion times stronger.

Oh Emily, you are worth so much more than what he is putting you through

For you all!

This is the most harrowing thread I've ever read on MN, I hope you will all find the strength and courage to leave these abusive & manipulative people, and be able to live a life free from the deceit, shame and lies.

Good luck to you all, I cannot imagine being in this situation.

Hoping all of you still trapped in unhappy relationships have as peaceful a Christmas as possible x

Thinking of all of you wishing you strength and happiness

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/dec/29/life-in-sex-sixtysomething-transvestite

Another experience like ours in the Guardian today.

Yes, very 'me, me, me, me' and no thought for the other lives he fucked up - just an expectation that they'd facilitate his fantasies and desires. So, so typical.