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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Argh "maiden" name

132 replies

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 08/09/2017 13:54

What can I use instead of the term "maiden name"?

"Unmarried name" does not sound right. "Previous name" ditto.

Never should have changed the bloody thing in the first place.

OP posts:
LittleWingSoul · 10/09/2017 23:50

@BeyondLimitsAndWhatever

"Deed poll is a much simpler process than you might thin"

You don't need a deed poll to revert to your birth name.

You do to change it to Consuela Bananahammock from Elizabeth Brown though

Alibobbob · 10/09/2017 23:54

Maybe you should have just created a new email account in your married name.

elQuintoConyo · 11/09/2017 23:10

Don't forget the Princess: Princess Consuela Bananahammock. She eventually married Crap Bag Grin

Original poster
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/09/2017 01:58

Changing my email address would be more of a pain than changing my name Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/09/2017 01:59

elQC Grin

OP posts:
hairymaryquitecontrary · 12/09/2017 02:14

You can use either or both interchangeably if you like, you are legally both names.
I do. I am Ms Original Name for lots of things, Ms or Mrs (don't really care what they call me) His Name for school and assorted kid related stuff. At work I am Ms MyName HisName.

NoLoveofMine · 12/09/2017 08:40

That men would never have this discussion or issue shows how sexist it is.

mrsvilliers2 · 12/09/2017 11:02

What did you do in the end OP? I am a mish mash of both of mine due to work and kids but I use the email address in my maiden name and just sign off with whatever name depending. It drives DH mad when I can't remember what name I've used Grin

Original poster
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/09/2017 13:34

mrsv I signed off on the email with my full married name and the teacher wrote back using my first name.

Haven't mentioned anything to DH (yet). I'm still not sure how I feel....

OP posts:
mrsvilliers2 · 12/09/2017 13:46

I love my maiden name, I wasn't going to change it and DH was ambivalent to be fair. But 2 kids and a dog later and I wanted the same name. Can't really explain it Hmm

Original poster
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/09/2017 14:12

DH wanted me to change and at the time I didn't really mind, so I did.

Now that we are back in my old hometown, which I left before I got married, I find myself having a little identity crisis. Like you Mrsv I do like having the same last name as my kids…

OP posts:
mrsvilliers2 · 12/09/2017 14:30

I was thinking 16 years is a long time not to have adjusted to different surname but now you're saying you're back in your home town it makes sense! It's a difficult one. How would you use it to now, to connect back with people?

mrsvilliers2 · 12/09/2017 14:31

Or just miss the person you were?

NoLoveofMine · 12/09/2017 17:59

I love my maiden name, I wasn't going to change it and DH was ambivalent to be fair. But 2 kids and a dog later and I wanted the same name. Can't really explain it

This seems to be the reason a lot of people give for changing their surnames - however these people appear to only ever be women. Why could men not change their surnames if having the same surname is important?

NoLoveofMine · 12/09/2017 18:00

DH wanted me to change

I think this is pretty insulting. What right does any man have to want a woman to change her name and lose her identity?

NoLoveofMine · 12/09/2017 18:01

Also, on children, the routine giving children of their father's surname is also entirely sexist. If I ever have children there's no chance they wouldn't have my surname.

Original poster
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/09/2017 04:39

NoLove. Good. Listen to yourself and always remember that.

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 13/09/2017 08:53

Thanks Hearts. I hope my post didn't seem rude but this issue is one which annoys me as I think there's so much sexism inherent in it, women's identities constantly considered unimportant, men often thinking they have any say over women's names, women being pressured into changing names or criticised for not and so on. There's no reason men can't change their surnames and any reason for a woman to change hers would equally apply to a man anyway. I'd only marry for any future husband to take my surname anyway!

Original poster
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/09/2017 13:19

Absolutely not rude at all.

I am embarrassed to admit this but my brother, my own DBro, threatened to not wear a wedding ring if his wife didn't change her name.

OP posts:
LittleWingSoul · 13/09/2017 14:19

Your poor SIL! Nothing wrong with choosing not to wear a ring, but not with that sentiment behind it! That's horrible.

I told my DH last night the child I am carrying will have my surname and only my surname. I've been robbed of that with the other two, I'm putting my foot down with this one!

NoLoveofMine · 13/09/2017 14:53

my brother, my own DBro, threatened to not wear a wedding ring if his wife didn't change her name.

That's horrible - how patriarchal and domineering. I think it's bad enough women are so often expected to change their surnames even today without being additionally pressured into it by men who think they're entitled to dictate or insist on it. Women's identities are regarded as meaning so little and such men think they have the right to insist on women changing their surnames. The sexism inherent in all this is infuriating.

NoLoveofMine · 13/09/2017 14:54

I told my DH last night the child I am carrying will have my surname and only my surname.

Quite right too LittleSoul. After all, it's you who carries it and gives birth to it, why on Earth should children get the father's surname it seems automatically most of the time?

NoLoveofMine · 13/09/2017 14:54

LittleWingSoul sorry!

LittleWingSoul · 13/09/2017 17:50

Actually the baby is tagged with the mother's surname at birth, it isn't until registration you make the decision what surname to give them. You can't blame most women for making this decision, it's pretty culturally engrained. Even on this thread there are lots of women saying they use their married name and 'maiden' name interchangeably... 'For the kids/school stuff'. But why? Schools genuinely do not get confused by different surnames. I feel - and I don't know - but this is proving some sort of ownership of the kids that people feel they can't have without matching surnames. Is it? Personally I know that when I split from DD's birth dad I balked at the fact she had his surname yet he had become an absent father. I hated she had a different surname than me for things like the doctors and school. But that was because he was an absent father (and a total douche bag) and his name represented that for me. It doesn't bother me that much that my DS (who was borne out of a loving relationship that I am still in) has my DH's surname, but since becoming a feminist, I want to claim the surname of no.3! But by giving them my surname! Not by changing mine to DH's! He said 'ok' last night but lets see how it really pans out when it comes to it. I can see my IL's faces already. I'd be emasculating him I'm sure Grin

LittleWingSoul · 13/09/2017 17:51

Ooh sorry no paragraphs at all in that ramble!