Depressed at weddings - AIBU?

[Grawp]

I work in the wedding/events industry. It seems that all weddings consist of a white dress (often with veil), the father giving the bride away (down the aisle as well as handing over during the ceremony), all male speeches and being announced as Mr & Mrs X. Also then a rush by the bride to change her name on Facebook?? In the 200+ I've done, I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard a woman speak at her wedding. Ditto the number of times it's been apparent the bride won't be changing her name. And that's before you even think about gendered favours and those "Mrs X" or "wife" stationery and signs etc. Or weddings where the groom doesn't even have a suit jacket on but the bride is groomed to within an inch of her life...

And these are not necessarily church weddings. Often people tell me they're having modern music and a modern venue and they're having a non-traditional wedding, but then it's all of the things above.

I just find it a bit depressing that people just seem to follow everything unquestioningly. I know some people say "look I know x and y aren't feminist, but it's just one day and I like the tradition and I'm a feminist the rest of the time" but I don't come across that very often.

But at the same time I benefit from people getting married (hough you could have what I do regardless of how traditional/modern your wedding is). I could try and get a different job but this one really fits well round DCs at the moment so I'm loathe to leave. So I'm a bit conflicted - I'm coming across as massively bitter I think!! I think I just need a rant.

I know everyone should be free to do what they want, but I just wonder how what they really want always seems to be what has always been done?

I know there are more important things to think about. Flame away...

I got married 3 weeks ago. Our children walked with me down the aisle, my dress was multicoloured, I gave a speech after my DH and I haven't changed my name.

I didn't do all these things to make a point. It was just what I wanted to do. No huge thought was put into it.

I was married before and it went the exact the way you mentioned in your OP.

The difference now? I'm older and wiser. Plus I've been on MN for 6+ years

An acquaintance of mine got married at the weekend. Within 24 hours she'd changed her name on FB. She had the big white dress and her dad walked her down the aisle. I'm quite judgy of that and sad. I try not to be, it's their life, but I'm always like really?!

At our reception I was greeted by a man who works with DH, the first thing he said was congratulations Mrs DHSurname. DH and I both said at the same time oh no, I'm/she's not Mrs... He looked awkward and never said anything. SO many people have been astonished. Then it's ALWAYS followed with but what's does DH think about that??

It's quite tedious and disheartening really.

I don't shout my opinions from the roof top but I really want to drum it into people!! I find it easier to talk to men about it tbh, I've found most women glaze over and nod in the right places.

Plus we stayed our house together the night before shock horror! Although I did get ready at my dad's but that was mainly to get peace from the kids

I got married a loooong time ago. My mother walked me down the aisle and made a speech. I did wear a white dress but I didn't change my name. I didn't wait around for a 'romantic' proposal, we both decided to get married, i picked my own ring and we paid for our wedding ourselves. I didn't make a speech and wouldn't if i had the opportunity to do it all again. There is so much bullshit around romantic proposals and magical wedding days, i mean people ultimately can do what they want but they should realise that they are not making these choices as freely as they think they are. I just don't understand why a woman would wait for a man to decide that they should marry, let him choose a ring that she expects to wear for the rest of her life, and then take his identity. Its hard to believe its 2017 sometimes.

'i mean people ultimately can do what they want but they should realise that they are not making these choices as freely as they think they are. I just don't understand why a woman would wait for a man to decide that they should marry, let him choose a ring that she expects to wear for the rest of her life, and then take his identity. Its hard to believe its 2017 sometimes.'

applauds

I'm a feminist who wears make up every day and removes a lot of my body hair. I don't pretend that those 'choices' aren't hugely influenced by living in a society that tells women that how we look is more important than what we say. Its no coincidence that I feel more confident and sexy when I am wearing make up and have freshly waxed legs. Own your choices, people, and don't pretend that you're making them in a vacuum. And seriously, lets all move away from waiting around for rings and proposals. If you wouldn't be happy to wait around for him to 'propose' where you go on your next holiday, or 'propose' which colour you should paint the kitchen, then don't wait around for him to 'propose' how you live the rest of your lives together.

Completely agree, OP. And hear hear to the comments above from deadringer and Lottapianos. I do plenty of things that I know are influenced by the patriarchal society we live in, but I don't try to pass them off as feminist.

Every now and then I reexamine my reasons for not wanting to get married (dp and I have been together for 25 years and have two kids), and I increasingly come to the conclusion that I just can't really be arsed . I'd want to change just about everything about a traditional wedding, and I'm just not bothered enough to spend the time thinking about it. We've always earned similar amounts and have made wills, so I'm not particularly worried about the financial or legal aspects of not being married. We'd probably consider a civil partnership if that was possible, though, just to make things as straightforward as possible.

Not started planning the wedding to DP yet. We're both feminists and both divorced so it would probably be me, him, the kids and our parents at the registry office - no white dress, we'd walk down the isle together. A nice meal out somewhere after with no speeches, then straight to the airport for a week of skiing and partying, just the two of us. Hassle free, cheap and none of the patriachry stuff.

Florence, its looking likely that civil partnerships will be a possibility in the next few years for opposite sex couples. There are a few comments up thread about the case that is going to the Supreme Court next year. The two tier system, where SS couples can choose marriage or CP (or neither!) but OS couples are restricted to marriage, cannot continue. There's a chance that the government may decide to scrap CPs altogether, but that would be ridiculously unfair for the couples who chose, and continue to choose, CP over marriage. So fingers crossed for good news next year!