Depressed at weddings - AIBU?

[Grawp]

I work in the wedding/events industry. It seems that all weddings consist of a white dress (often with veil), the father giving the bride away (down the aisle as well as handing over during the ceremony), all male speeches and being announced as Mr & Mrs X. Also then a rush by the bride to change her name on Facebook?? In the 200+ I've done, I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard a woman speak at her wedding. Ditto the number of times it's been apparent the bride won't be changing her name. And that's before you even think about gendered favours and those "Mrs X" or "wife" stationery and signs etc. Or weddings where the groom doesn't even have a suit jacket on but the bride is groomed to within an inch of her life...

And these are not necessarily church weddings. Often people tell me they're having modern music and a modern venue and they're having a non-traditional wedding, but then it's all of the things above.

I just find it a bit depressing that people just seem to follow everything unquestioningly. I know some people say "look I know x and y aren't feminist, but it's just one day and I like the tradition and I'm a feminist the rest of the time" but I don't come across that very often.

But at the same time I benefit from people getting married (hough you could have what I do regardless of how traditional/modern your wedding is). I could try and get a different job but this one really fits well round DCs at the moment so I'm loathe to leave. So I'm a bit conflicted - I'm coming across as massively bitter I think!! I think I just need a rant.

I know everyone should be free to do what they want, but I just wonder how what they really want always seems to be what has always been done?

I know there are more important things to think about. Flame away...

And men always seem to like their surnames and have no trouble spelling them either.

Indeed. My brother and I were given the same surname at birth but according to the comments on these name threads my surname is more likely to be harder to spell and unattractive in general.

I'm also less likely to be attached to it or my dad than my brother.

Statistically speaking.

It's funny the hoops one goes through to pretend the patriarchy is not the patriarchy

Thinking about things a bit more, the big big thing for me was not getting married in a church. So having won that argument, I compromised on some other things. I am a staunch feminist, but an even stauncher atheist, so that was definitely the right thing for me.

I eloped, and I kept my surname. I don't know anyone in real life who kept their own name in marriage, and have had comments on how as I didn't have a real wedding and don't share a surname, it's like we're not really married.

I shouldn't care, but sometimes it gets to me.

Totally agree, OP. Utterly depressing state of affairs. I'm having to remind myself it's 2017 almost daily :(

My father walked me down the aisle
I wore blue
Our 10 year old sons were joint best men
I gave a speech
I changed my name

Around 80 guests, got married in a London hotel and it was amazing

Seems a bit snotty to judge women on their feminist credentials on their wedding day.

I wore a big fucking white ballgown at my wedding and loved it. I will not likely get the chance to do so again.

Also I like tradition and history, not to be a slave to convention but I like thinking about how my Dad walked my down the aisle like thousands of other fathers have done before and how family ties, births, deaths..etc are linked through cultural observation. The sources of our traditions may not be pure or socially acceptable bur that doesn't mean that they are worthless.

I didn't give a speech that day because I speak for a living and wanted a day off, it doesn't mean that I don't have a voice in my family.

SPARKS17, I've been following the civil partnership case too as I really don't want to get married but would love a legal partnership with DP. Their case is going to the Supreme Court next year, just so you know. I appreciate you probably won't want to cancel your wedding but thought I'd share anyway!

I can understand your sentiments OP. I agree with many of your points - I've commented on the name changing issue many times and it's been covered but there's clearly sexism in the name changing issue after marriage. If there wasn't, as many men would change their surnames to their wives in heterosexual marriages as vice versa. On the plus side, more women are now keeping their surnames at least and I've read on here of marriages where men have changed their surnames. The only reason I'd ever get married is for any future husband of mine to change his surname to mine.

Maybe the tide is turning?

Hopefully Bluerose27. I don't know any girls my age who'd ever consider changing their surnames if they marry - something I've discussed with plenty of them

My biggest problem with the wedding industry is how it encourages vast spending.

The mark ups can be huge, the relentless pushing of add-ons etc.

And yet the range of 'acceptable' options is quite small. I find weddings are quite homogenous (and therefore unmemorable) which is rather sad, given the expense and palaver that has gone in to it.

My wedding was quite trad, btw, but was small and fuss-free compared to today's industry model.

Polarbearpaddle This is how I feel too, about traditions and history, obviously as a feminist I want societal change but that doesn't mean we have to abandon all cultural traditions and sever our links to the past. We even got married in an ancient church that's been around since at least 1200s, I just loved the feeling that we were participating in an ancient rite on the same spot that hundreds of people have done over the centuries. I did not feel "disempowered" by wearing a gorgeous dress, promising to love and cherish eachother, or adopting the same surname as my spouse.

Sparks and Lotta - following the civil partnership debate too! It's what me and dp would prefer to do, we've no interest in a traditional marriage. We have dc who has a version of both our surnames merged together. I still have mine and dp still has his surname, but we're toying with changing them to.dc's name (although do like the fact she has her own unique name, like she's a part of both of us but very much her own person iyswim). I do find it strange how the traditions of marriage continue, especially with how many women give up their names. Whatever happens with me and dp in future (and whether we'll be able to have a civil partnership one day) I'll always be a Ms, not Mrs.

@The Ducks @Lotta I would've loved to hold out for a Civil Partnership but sadly I'm in my mid 30s and I don't think my Ovaries could wait much longer! Really admire the couple who are going to such lengths to attempt to change the law, they have been doing this for what 4 years now?? I think its time an alternative to marriage was implemented to reflect those of us who want the legal and financial benefits of marriage but believe "partnership" is the way to go!

Absolutely SPARKS17, it's a no brainer. They very narrowly lost the case last time. All 3 judges agreed that CPs should be extended to opposite sex couples but 2 of them felt the government should be given more time to sort it out. So they're optimistic that they will be successful next year and I hope they are

My surname was my dad's, who I don't like very much which obviously affects how I feel about the name.

Dh's surname wasn't from his father, but from his mother as his parents were unmarried when he was born. Which in turn wasn't her father's name either for similar reasons.

I like that it was a name that had nothing to do with marriage for a couple of generations at least. It's also very generic, think Smith or Jones etc, which also made it more appealling to me.

My mum walked me down the aisle and did a speech. My dad was there but my mum brought me up by herself since I was three. It was never going to be any different and my dad knew that!

When you say you work in the wedding industry, what is it you do? Maybe there are lots of non traditional couples but they're not using your services (they have a friend doing photography / are not getting married in a country house / aren't having seat covers or what ever)

Personally I felt a little conflicted about the patriarchal aspects of our wedding but did have my DF give me away. It's nice to have the tradition. However I did make a speech!

Well, my sister went the whole hog, her DP called my father to ask for his blessing. He then proposed, she accepted and they announced their engagement. They had a traditional church wedding with the white dress, giving away of the bride etc. She's quite independent as a rule, but definitely went down the traditional route here (no 'obey' though).
DP and I (I'm older than my sister was, this is DP's second marriage) took a joint decision to get married. There was no proposal, no ring... We are having the legal bit where we live, with no-one else present and a nice meal for us. We are then having a symbolic (not religious, much to my parents' dismay) ceremony, outdoors, in France. I am torn about the aisle thing, because I am not really inclined to do it. DP and I will already have been married for some time at that stage and I had thought we could walk in together (this often happens here for the church wedding). However, I think my father would be hurt by this, so I am in two minds, especially as there won't be any speeches, other than a thank you from us.
I think where we are coming from is that we are both independent adults (in our 40s and 50s) and want to have a wedding that reflects who we are. Our main priority is that people should spend a lovely day together.
I'm having the dress though as I absolutely adore posh frocks (even though I'm usually found working backstage in a theatre, wearing black clothes and safety boots).
I think it's a bit extreme to reject all tradition, even if it isn't feminist. I think traditions bring people together and that, to me, is what weddings are all about

Oh and woman don't take their husband's name here

It's nice to have the tradition.

What's "nice" about it?

I've found my people! I get depressed every time Mr and Mrs Husband's name is announced. I hope I don't let it show but it always makes me sad.

At my wedding with my ex dh I walked "down the aisle" (hotel) on my own. Didn't think anything of it and I don't think anyone thought . My father left when I was 2 so don't see why he should A) attend the wedding B) "give" me away.

With my current dp we have talked about getting married one day and after his stress about having to do a best man speech recently I said if we get married I will make a speech. He said that's great! Probably because he then doesn't have to but for me it is more like why the hell not! I would like to make a speech (maybe after a couple of g&ts ) because I am a modern woman! I would like his name though mainly because I hate my surname and he has a nice one!

I think you have a serious sample bias OP. I suspect a lot of feminists don't get married to their partners. Those who do may have weddings not involving whatever service you offer. I had a registrar, ceilidh band and caterer but nothing else "wedding-industry" for mine (green dress, no aisle, no name change, speeches from me and dh).

We're not married, the only reason we would get married is if we felt that we had no other legal route for protecting ourselves, which we are frustratingly close to so I wish the civil partnership case would hurry up and get sorted.

We're now the last of all the people we know not to get married. When it crops up in conversation I'm amazed how many women are shocked that I don't want the 'wedding' experience, the special dress and the big party and being centre of attention. It's like it's been instilled in so many women to want that 'big day' experience, even if they add their own twists to it.

As for changing your surname - personally I can't entirely get my head around it, whether it's the woman changing their name, the man changing their name, or creating a new one. Your name is your name and has been since you were both. It's your identity. Why would anyone - woman or man - want to change that simply because they had a party and made a public commitment of being together? I don't share a surname with my children and don't mind at all because their name is their own individual name, they don't share first or middle names with me either.

However I know I'm in a significant minority there

And in Scotland mothers are on wedding certificates with their occupation AND if they use their husbands name or not their "maiden" name is included too.
My mum is listed as
Jane Doe (ms) or Jones
(Occupation)
Where Doe is her maiden name and Jones her married name (my dads).
Dh's mum who is divorced and remarried is
Jane Doe (ms) or Smith or Jones
(Occupation).