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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Depressed at weddings - AIBU?

108 replies

Grawp · 23/08/2017 16:25

I work in the wedding/events industry. It seems that all weddings consist of a white dress (often with veil), the father giving the bride away (down the aisle as well as handing over during the ceremony), all male speeches and being announced as Mr & Mrs X. Also then a rush by the bride to change her name on Facebook?? In the 200+ I've done, I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard a woman speak at her wedding. Ditto the number of times it's been apparent the bride won't be changing her name. And that's before you even think about gendered favours and those "Mrs X" or "wife" stationery and signs etc. Or weddings where the groom doesn't even have a suit jacket on but the bride is groomed to within an inch of her life...

And these are not necessarily church weddings. Often people tell me they're having modern music and a modern venue and they're having a non-traditional wedding, but then it's all of the things above.

I just find it a bit depressing that people just seem to follow everything unquestioningly. I know some people say "look I know x and y aren't feminist, but it's just one day and I like the tradition and I'm a feminist the rest of the time" but I don't come across that very often.

But at the same time I benefit from people getting married (hough you could have what I do regardless of how traditional/modern your wedding is). I could try and get a different job but this one really fits well round DCs at the moment so I'm loathe to leave. So I'm a bit conflicted - I'm coming across as massively bitter I think!! I think I just need a rant.

I know everyone should be free to do what they want, but I just wonder how what they really want always seems to be what has always been done?

I know there are more important things to think about. Flame away...

OP posts:
MiaowTheCat · 24/08/2017 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackThumb · 24/08/2017 13:27

I do think it depends on who's wedding you are looking at. I have a largely liberal feminist circle of friends who the majority of have spoken at wedding, not changed their names etc. But I appreciate that is not the norm necessarily.

I try to think of feminism in terms of "having the choice" as one of 'it's core values, along with equality of course. So if women want to choose to incorporate some traditional elements I think that's fine.

It does however make me sad when people don't recognise the affect of the patriarchy.

BlackThumb · 24/08/2017 13:28

Arg affect, effect? Can never get that one right...

BlackThumb · 24/08/2017 13:30

Having said all that the mothers name not on wedding certificate drives batty. Why on earth is it not??!

Also would have both parents walk me down be aisle.

nuttyknitter · 24/08/2017 13:37

Some things are just traditions. I consider myself a feminist but I enjoy the traditional wedding trimmings. I'm also an atheist but I enjoy celebrating Christmas - it doesn't mean anything to me but it's fun!

Lottapianos · 24/08/2017 13:55

Totally with you Thurlow, on all of it. The 'big day' stuff gives me the icks - I'm a private, introverted person and the thought of being looked at all day just horrifies me. I would be mortified. DP feels the same.

I remember a colleague talking about how much she was dreading the public aspect of her wedding day - being on show and having to walk in to the ceremony with everyone staring at her etc. She actually said that she wanted to get most of the day over and done with, and wouldn't be able to relax until the evening bit with the disco and all that Confused This was only about 2 weeks away from the wedding so I didn't feel it was the best time to ask her just why on earth she was putting herself through all this torture for the sake of 'tradition'

My last name is a pain in the ass which people always say and spell wrong but its still my name, that people have known me by all my life. Apparently no men have boring or difficult or hard to pronounce names, only women who are just dying to change them......

LittleWingSoul · 24/08/2017 17:23

I am also one of these women with a difficult to spell double barrel surname, had the option to change it to DH's very generic English surname (think Smith, Jones etc as a pp has said). No way in hell!

MorrisZapp · 25/08/2017 09:25

My name is foreign and so difficult to spell that my mil still can't do it after fifteen years of acquaintance. My whole family have countless anecdotes about the nonsense it causes.

But I wouldn't consider changing it and nor would my brother.

('Hey, foreign people! Got an annoying name that normal folks struggle to spell or pronounce? Anglicise it! Problem solved!' is er, somewhat problematic as the young people say).

newtlover · 25/08/2017 09:38

there is a feminist solution to getting married (for the financial protection etc) which is to do it VERY quietly , change nothing afterwards and tell few p eople.
As for the OP I too would feel very depressed working inthat industry and I think the only solution is to get out. There may be a market for non traditional/humanist wedding planners but I guess it would be small, and dispersed. Also people like that are more likely to want to do things for themselves.

Lottapianos · 25/08/2017 16:17

Newt, if DP and I ever got married, that's how I would like to do it. Two witnesses, a wonderful meal for the two of us and a night in a fabulous hotel. Tell almost no one and carry on with life

Missymoo100 · 25/08/2017 20:45

What I find depressing, is criticising other people's choices because they don't match your perspective. Making out people are just following things "without questioning" you are implyong people are like mindless sheep- that they're not doing it the. "Right way". It's one of the happiest days of someone's life and I feel the ops comments sneer at people for choosing a traditional wedding as though they are lesser people. Why do people have to sap the joy out of everything by constant moaning about everything possible. Everyone should do what makes them happy on their wedding day.

eurochick · 25/08/2017 20:58

Our wedding was very equal, like our marriage.

I walked up the aisle between both my parents and out with my new husband (I like the symbolism of moving from my "old" family to making a new one; I wouldn't have accepted being handed by my father to my husband -yuk).

We both gave short thank you speeches.

There was no laddish best man or decorative bridesmaids.

There were no gendered favours (in fact, no favours at all).

I didn't change my name; our daughter has both our names.

There is no reason to have a sexist wedding if you don't want one. Bizarrely, lots of women seem to.

PinkPuffin · 25/08/2017 21:07

Haven't RTFT but wanted to reply. Of all the things you mention, I only had a white dress (ivory really, and just below the knee, nothing too formal). No veil and definitely no stationery! DH and I walked down the non-existent aisle together, I kept my name, and both I and I my (female) best friend gave speeches. Not Mrs either! It rocks! Except for the fact my name is a PITA to spell and DH's would be much easier but hey ho

Bumdishcloths · 25/08/2017 21:13

I had a traditional, if slightly unconventional wedding, and if I'm honest I find it massively patronising when people shit on it 'because feminism'. We were married in church. My mother gave me away because my father died 3 years previously. I made a speech at the reception. I changed my name, and we were announced as Mr & Mrs X. I do not feel like I am my husband's property, or that being given away at the church was like selling a cow, or that any part of my being married denotes ownership of any kind, I don't feel oppressed, repressed or depressed.

Stop telling women how they should act. That's the least feminist thing, ever.

Writersblock2 · 25/08/2017 21:54

We atewloping in January - just the two of us (unlike "elopements with people" - I don't even...). I'm wearing a silver/grey beaded Art Deco dress and he will be in either blue or brown tweed. I have bright red hair and tattoos. We have cake because hello, cake, and a fish and chip supper. We are spending 90% of our money on our honeymoon.

I'm changing my name to his because I have detested mine since I was tiny and his is rather nice. Plus, I don't much care for my father and his side of the family.

scrabbler3 · 26/08/2017 13:06

I agree with posters who've said that the type of bride who wants the 12 hour marathon with all the trimmings in a big hotel, is the type of person who will do everything else in a traditional way too. Not always, but often.

However, this doesn't reflect on the bride's role within the marriage, later. My friends are very much the equals of their husbands and some of them had weddings such as you describe.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 26/08/2017 13:53

I don't want 'wife' on my CV. Case closed.

Ragwort · 26/08/2017 15:43

Surely no one puts their 'marital status' on a CV anymore ? Confused

TittyGolightly · 26/08/2017 16:06

They might - inadvertently - by using "Mrs" or "nee Previousname". I've seen both many times.

Ragwort · 26/08/2017 17:46

I still think it would be incredibly old fashioned to put Mrs (or Mr for that matter) or (nee X) - surely the people who use those sorts of titles are rather proud of the fact that they are a wife Grin.

TittyGolightly · 26/08/2017 17:50

Precisely.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 26/08/2017 19:52

It was a figure of speech ...

Piewraith · 26/08/2017 23:17

You have some good points OP but I think it comes down to this - for whatever reason humans seem to get satisfaction taking part in the traditions of their culture. Almost every culture worldwide and throughout history has had some type of partnership/marriage tradition, and this is ours.

Also there is something silly about people boasting about how unconventional and feminist they are because they did something "crazy" like walk the aisle by themselves or wear a red dress instead of white. It's just a short walk and some fabric, it's hardly crazy. I didn't change my name or ever consider doing so, but I can't boast about it.

EyesUnderARock · 26/08/2017 23:36

Weird, traditional, minimalist or OTT weddings and handfastings don't bother me in the slightest; I've been to dozens of different celebrations of friends joining together for life and the one thing they all had in common was the sheer joy of it all.
What depresses me is the number of women that choose to stay in shit relationships, that enable a partner who selects what he will participate in and how little he will do. Intelligent, feminist women who lose themselves.
Odd to work in a job where you have so little respect for the choices your customers make, unprincipled.

Kropotkinator · 28/08/2017 08:45

At our wedding my husband and I walked down the isle together after getting dressed together in the morning (not a church wedding), I wore blue and grey.

The reception was a bbq for 70 in my parents back garden. Neither my husband or I made a speech (I didn't want to) but he thanked everyone for coming.

Instead his mum made a speech and my brother read my dad's (my dad had done it without me asking and we specific said we didn't want speeches, and I was a bit miffed, but whatever - it was a really sexist speech lol!)

I never changed my name.

We got wasted in the garden. Put on a youtube playlist, and danced in the dining room.

Everyone said they had a great time, it was really relaxing, we had loads to eat and drink, it didn't cost much, it was all very equal (which was the message we wanted to get across).

Balls to traditional weddings. They are rubbish.