What's wrong with being a SAHM?

[Roseandlily]

I am not a feminist (I don't think). I currently earn more than my partner but when our baby is born I will be a stay at home mother. I love the idea of striving to be the best mother, home maker, having the tea on the table for when he gets home stuff. I love the idea of it all. But when I talk to people and they ask "oh what's your plan, how long to you plan to take off work?" And we both say I won't be going back and this will be me at home for say the next 10years give or take.

I would like to add that we would like to have 3 children so I will be at home until the last child starts school.

I don't care about amazing holidays we have done that :) or fancy cars, both had what we wanted and now have got sensible cheaper cars. We are married and have a lovely home.

What do feminists think is so wrong with this? And why do people make me feel weird about this?

It leaves most women very vulnerable. Becoming financially dependent on your husband (or anyone) renders most women 'trapped'. So you build a life, which someone else is paying for and that would be very scarey to exit, if you wanted to leave the relationship. So, lots of women remain in abusive or even just unsatisfactory relationships. If you have enough money behind you, then this isn't so much an issue.

Also, A lot of women intend to return to work when their children are older. This isn't as easy as it sounds if you have a professional job/career. So, women end up under-employed and years behind their male counterparts

Firstly, you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself with your ideal of what you'll be like as a SAHM. You may struggle with being the perfect parent, your home may be a shit heap and your DH might be lucky if there's a pizza in the freezer for his dinner. You might have PND, or a high-needs baby. That is a lot of people's reality when a baby rocks up. So I would stop thinking like that for a start.

I think that, from a feminism perspective, you're buying into a 1950s ideal of womanhood that it took a lot of work by feminists to break free from. It's a vision that no man will have for his journey as a parent, so whilst it's your decision to do this, it's not a feminist decision as it's not made in a sphere of equality, or free from patriarchy.

And a lot of women do not think its a great idea to be financially dependant on their partner (of course, you might have a lot of savings and other income). You're married, which protects you to an extent.

At the end of the day it's your decision, and as such people should butt out. But it isn't a feminist decision.

Depends on your personal feminist view.

If a woman CHOOSES to stay at home and makes that choice knowing that they are financially dependent on their partner and that they are unlikely to pick up their career in 10 years where they left off, then the logistics are for them to work out. Personally, I'd want to have savings on one side in case I ever needed them for a bit of security.

But then I think for SAHP to be a genuinely feminist decision, we'd need to see more men consider staying at home, part time working etc.

I doubt you will get any feminists on here saying you should go back to work. It's your choice. I'm a feminist and I wouldn't question your choice. Has anyone said you shouldn't do this?
And is it people that are making you feel weird about this? Other people don't 'make' me feel things. I might respond to what they say, but my thoughts and feelings are my own. I can reject what they say without any second thoughts or i might be more bothered, but then that would be because I might have doubts myself.
You can do what you want with your life. I am not a SAHM. I don't want to be, but I don't have a choice either.
Probably people are just asking you because they're just trying to make conversation.

I have managed this. I think.

I used to work in a high-stress, high-pay job, and invested my salary (more than double what my husband earned) in property in London, just before the prices went mental.

I quit my job after having my second child, and I draw an income from the rental on the property. My husband still works full time. I am not financially dependent on him, and in the (hopefully unlikely) event that we split up, I would still have my own source of income. However, I wouldn't be able to pick up my career where I left off, nor would I want to.

There are some days being an SAHM drives me mad. I hate soft play and don't have that many SAHM friends as I find we don't have much in common beyond the children.

I do still manage the properties (tenants, repairs, contracts etc) so I do do some work, but I don't need to leave the house. The big one does nursery three days a week. The little one is still at home with me 24/7 but will start nursery when she turns two.

My husband works full time at the minute, but took 6 months off when the youngest was born, and then another few months last summer. We flex his work depending on how much additional income we need.

It does feel like a feminist choice - I don't define myself as an SAHP, more as someone who's invested well (and been lucky - so far) and retired!

I have no regrets about doing this; like you I gave up a large salary and stayed at home and had 3 children. It was blissful and I definuteky think it suited my kids and they thrived because I was there.

However, I would strongly advise you to safeguard your own finances (not sure how, as I don't like the implications of a rainy day fund or having secret savings). When my DH left for another woman three years ago I had to get a job which suited a single parent of three children (hence I earn a pittance in a low paying term time admin role), and I never planned a future where we weren't together, so financially I faced a crisis. Fortunately my DH is doing the decent thing and still paying mortgage and bills (people tell me I'm very lucky; I appreciate I'm in a minority, but equally it's no more than he'd have had to do for his children had he still been living with us), so we get by, but giving up work with no financial plan for if it goes tits up (I hope it doesn't for you-it's not inevitable!) is risky.

On a personal level, if you think it's what you'd like to do then I'm sure you won't regret it. I thoroughly enjoyed the baby and toddler years at home, and being able to get involved with the school etc. I know our lives would've been too stressful with 2 high pressure jobs in the family; the expectation shouldn't be on women all the time, but if there is someone who can pick up the slack whilst the other partner provides financially it makes the family run smoother. In our case it had to be me as I was determined to breastfeed for over a year each, and I wanted to do it, whereas my DH didn't.

There's nothing wrong with it. You are happy with your decision so it's the right thing to do. Yes I'm a feminist, but I also became a SAHP and have never had any regrets. I thoroughly enjoy it.

I don't have a problem with women choosing the SAHM route, if that's what they want. What I often find is that they are very judgemental about my decision to continue working full-time. I get really fed up of being questioned about my choice by other mothers. If you decide to be a SAHM, just remember that you need to respect other women's (different) choices & avoid making judgemental comments about them. Remember: its not so long since married women were expected to give up work and young women are still passed over for promotion because employers fear the disruption their fertility brings. We need some women to continue in their careers after children or we risk pulling the ladder up behind us & harming our daughters' progress. The freedom to choose and the choices we make are not neutral at a societal level.

june That sounds sensible.

Sometimes I read on here people saying 'I'll just take 5 years and then pick my career up' and it reads quite naive because that's not how it works most of the time.

Like sea said, most feminists on here won't tell the OP she has to go back to work. They'll say it's her choice but she needs to be aware of x y z before making that choice.

Do what you want but protect your future. That means getting married. You are exposed financially otherwise if you choose to be SAHM.

IMO, you shouldn't decide for the next 10 years. Take a year's maternity and review. Life and personal opinions and aspiration change so don't box yourself in

SAHM is not for everyone, what you have in your head is a bit more than that it is housewifery

It can work but your expectations are too high. I had a vison of a beautifully decorated home and children washed fed and in footsie pajamas when dh got in from work.

Sometimes it is!

Otjertimes he works from home or theres an inset day or a child or 3 gets a bug or i have a bad day.....

He comes in to Armageddon kids bickering, crap everywhere and a wife that is eyeing the gin bottle and burning pizza.
Those days id rather work

You will get judged but you will judge yourself more you will meed mum friends and a sense of humour. Good luck !

It sounds like you have a very idealised vision of life as a SAHM and (as River) says you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I had a wry smile at 'tea on the table'. Yesterday I struggled to get jacket potatoes and beans on the table, while wrangling a grumpy 4 year old and a very grumpy teething 1 year old. The reality of being at home can be very different to your image of it, even if you don't have particularly difficult babies/children. Honestly- don't make hasty decisions about how you're going to parent/whether you're going back to work/how many children you'll have until you've actually had a baby and tried being at home.

It leaves most women very vulnerable. Becoming financially dependent on your husband (or anyone) renders most women 'trapped'. So you build a life, which someone else is paying for and that would be very scarey to exit, if you wanted to leave the relationship. So, lots of women remain in abusive or even just unsatisfactory relationships

This ^

I don't care about amazing holidays we have done that smile or fancy cars, both had what we wanted and now have got sensible cheaper cars. We are married and have a lovely home

This isn't why I work. I work because I get my sense of self from my professional identity (to some degree). I am proud of my achievements and enjoy my chosen career. Just saying, because I wasn't sure if you were implying that this is why married women work (not that I'm married).

But then I think for SAHP to be a genuinely feminist decision, we'd need to see more men consider staying at home, part time working etc

This^ too.

But, I wouldn't make you 'feel weird'...what do you mean by that?

There is nothing inherently unfeminist about choosing to be a SAHP.

Mostly it is women who stay at home with children for a couple of main reasons: women are seen as being nurturing and motherly, so it "makes sense" for her to stay at home and men have far higher earning capacity in the general scheme of things, so it "makes sense" for the woman to give up her job/career.

Quite apart from the usual advice about keeping your hand in with whatever your chosen career path is in order to future proof it, or keeping savings to the side should the worst happen, what you are proposing to do is to take on a massive financial burden, while choosing to live on less than half of your income, while creating a 1950's idyll at a time of enormous economic uncertainty.

So, I don't think your friends are being "weird" about it at all. I would surmise that, because they are your friends, they are merely worried about perfectly sensible potential outcomes to your decisions.

So, insure your husband against redundancy and anything else that could stick a cog in the works and recreate your own Martha Stewart world, but never forget that Martha Stewart is also an astute businesswoman who has made a lot of money out of selling a lifestyle dream.

There's nothing wrong with it but it can leave you very vulnerable financially. I agree it's rather naive to think you can pick up a a career after a decade out. I'd go back part time if I were you.

And you might not be the best mother when you're crawling the walls with boredom and tiredness .

being a sahp is not a feminist decision. Whether more men stay at home, or not. It's just a decision. And you are a lucky person in this world, if you have a choice in the matter. There are women all over the globe raising their children AND working. I wish people would quit gurning about decisions they are making. You don't need everyone to approve of your decisions all the time

I'm a SAHM, and I adore it! I was previously a Teacher, and had no idea if I'd like being a sahm, but now the thought of doing any paid employment fills me with dread (apart from the money).

I hate the assumptions and expectations in society nowadays that women should go back to work as soon as possible. Surely women should do what is best/necessary for them and their families.

I think it's important that women have the choice to work or be a sahm.

Do you think you should have a choice in whether you work or be a SAHM? Do you think your daughter should be able to do any job your son does and get paid the same? Then you are a feminist.

I am a sahp. To counter what husky said a little bit, you will also encounter people who think you should be back at work and that sah isn't demonstrating good work ethic/setting the right example to your dc.
The default setting is for families to have 2 working parents, I think.

So whatever you do (woh or sah), be aware that some nosy bastard will have an opinion on it and try to make you feel in the wrong, whether you've asked to hear their pov or not!

Weigh up the pros and cons - these are not always the same for everyone, but understand you could be up shit creek if the marriage goes pear shaped. Be aware of pension details and all your financial situation - ensure your name is on all the bsnk accounts/mortgages/investments. The women who get screwed by sah are the ones who know FA about their family money and trust their dh's to do it all.

Incidentally, if you believe in having equality of opportunity wrt education, employment, healthcare, legal representation etc, thrn you are a feminist. It has nothing to do with whether you choose to sah or not, except in that sah is not something men usually choose snd as said upthread, you won't be making that choice from a truly equal starting point to your husband.

OP why do you want the views of others on your completely hypothetical lifestyle?

Particularly why do you want the views of a group to which you don't align yourself and plainly don't understand?

Isn't that the equivalent of a self obsessed teen telling people about their dreams ?

I've managed to be a feminist and be a SAHM

There is nothing wrong with it at all. It's great to be able to look after your children every day.

The reality of it can be very dull though. Its really hard to get back in to work and you do become the main parent.
Personally I've found working at least one day a week the best for us as a family.

Having a quiet chuckle at the nosy bastards they are everywhere.

My favourite is 'but what will you do when they are all at school'
My answer, whatever i bloody well want it will be heaven!

I'm lucky enough to have got part time hours now. I work three days a week in a demanding job. I enjoy it and I like my days 'off' when I can get housework done and spend time with the kids.
But if I was at home every day I would go round the bend. Groundhog Day. It's dull wiping crumbs of floors and having conversations about potty training.
But, like many women I know, I have to work to keep a roof over our heads.

There is nothing wrong with it. However the reality for a lot of women is very different to the fantasy, it's not all rice crispie cakes and sing alongs, often it's screaming kids, mess, housework and abject loneliness to the extent a toddler group becomes a life saver.

In addition being out of the workplace for a long time can impact on ability to get back in, as well as dent confidence. If something goes wrong, from illness of a partner or divorce it leaves you horribly vulnerable, no one ever dreams these things will happen to them.

In addition no matter how supportive a partner is at the beginning or how important the role is stated as, often many women start to feel less, less than their wage earning partner or their wage earning friends, because they earn the money and the stay at home mum often feels they don't have as many rights to the major say.

Couple that with after a few years out, many women get used to it. Then they find their partner wants them to go back but they don't want to and lack the confidence. They don't want to go into a lower role and it starts to damage the marriage and resentment creeps in on both sides.

I met so many stay at home mums when my daughter was at school ( privately educated) and they all wanted to tell me what they " used to do" like in some way it kind of validated them, even though I hadn't asked. They raised it.

I worked throughout, and yes at times it was hard. But I never considered quitting and looking back now it was the right decision for our family. My career took off, financially we are much more comfortable than we would be and my 20 year old daughter asks me for career advice and she takes my feedback seriously, because I didn't do it twenty years ago, I did it throughout and I'm still doing it.

So where as you haven't asked the benefits, I think on the downside, it does have some negatives, that very many women have come to regret.