What's wrong with being a SAHM?

[Roseandlily]

I am not a feminist (I don't think). I currently earn more than my partner but when our baby is born I will be a stay at home mother. I love the idea of striving to be the best mother, home maker, having the tea on the table for when he gets home stuff. I love the idea of it all. But when I talk to people and they ask "oh what's your plan, how long to you plan to take off work?" And we both say I won't be going back and this will be me at home for say the next 10years give or take.

I would like to add that we would like to have 3 children so I will be at home until the last child starts school.

I don't care about amazing holidays we have done that :) or fancy cars, both had what we wanted and now have got sensible cheaper cars. We are married and have a lovely home.

What do feminists think is so wrong with this? And why do people make me feel weird about this?

I'm a feminist and have been a SAHM for 10 yrs. the two are not incompatible.

The key (In my situation) has been that DH and I are on an equal footing in all ways. We have one joint account, all the money that he earns is family money. All our assets are jointly owned. We have equal access to money and we are totally open about money etc. And at home, we share the load. DH has a time consuming, stressful job - yet he still picked up the baby and got on with bath time when he got in, when the children were younger. Yes, getting dinner on the table falls under my job description - but playing with children and clearing up after is part of his. Working FT does not excuse him from sharing the load at home - which is a FT job in itself.

Being a SAHM and a feminist are not mutually exclusive. But a lot of women find themselves in relationships that become horribly unequal especially after they have children.

Apologies to anyone I offended. I spoke from experience. I worked full time in a demanding job in the aim that I could equal my h load and pay. My career would take a big hit if I stepped out for a while. I openly said at interviews I wanted a job to further my abilities so that I can show my dd that it's ok to work and be a mum. When dd started a private school nursery that expected homework etc I was doing the school run then starting my hour commute then getting home late and dd wasn't getting any homework done etc so I quit my job as I didn't have to work financially I just didn't want to fall behind in my career but i also didn't want that to be at my dd expense either.
When I stayed at home I got up later. I didn't look after myself as well as i did when I was at work. I took on more housework than I wanted to and found myself nominated as sahm before I'd really decided that was what I wanted. I also started applying for work again and was told my gap had affected things and when I finally got a part time job I found my confidence was quite low from spending days at home without communicating with adults and my brain just felt stupid after only a few months off. Ok I'm not saying everyone has this but I speak from personal experience and other mothers saying to me they never even wanted to apply for a job after a year or two off as they felt incapable of even managing an interview by that point.
My advice remains to try to work in some capacity as many women do lose confidence and get used to getting up late not meeting deadlines etc and when their children don't need them women are often left with not much to show for it.
I also went to divorce my h and my solicitor told me it was 50:50 of assets but of course I would get no spousal maintenance these days and I would be expected to get at least a part time job, which had I left a big gap would be on considerably lower pay than had I remained in work the whole time. So the law doesn't agree with sahm either apparently which again is why I say women it's always a risk to be a sahm.
Again ime I wasted a lot of time being a sahm. Once I'd cleaned and done all dc things I'd still have a lot of time on my hands. Boredom set in for me. I don't speak for everyone but I know many women feel how I feel and feel trapped after long periods as a sahm. I felt trapped and bored and every minute I was with dd was lovely but she's at school 8:30-3:30. It doesn't take that long to uphold household duties. Even to have time to yourself that still leaves a lot. I was speaking from my own experience and not meaning to offend but I think my experience does sum up what many women have happen when they become a sahm. Fwiw my mum was sahm and I never felt it was overly useful expect when I'd phone her to bring stuff I'd forgotten. She always says she loved it but loving it is not what is being asked here. I loved my career but it always had to come second to raising dc. Same as choosing to be a sahm because you love it should. Ime it's a big risk for women. Not doubting there's still many things that could improve this situation though.

SAHM to one school age child is totally different to SAHM to multiple pre-school age children. So I think perhaps we were talking at cross purposes there.

I have to confess I don't understand why anyone would become a SAHM for a single school age child without engaging in some outside-the-home activity, whether that be work, volunteering, or something else.

My dc are all at school now. As a pp said, it was easy to continue work when I only had one child - I was back at work within a couple of months. It is harder to work when you have more dc.
My youngst is at school now. I find that the schools seem to want a level of parental involvement that would be difficult to manage if working. My older ones come home with stacks of homework they want help with.
When they were little, I kind of assumed they would need me less as they got older, but it's just that they need me differently.
I know plenty of women do all this and work, but my old job was pretty full on and I don't want to do it all.
I'm not bored. I never needed my job to stop me from being bored or to keep my mind active. I enjoy having days when the kids are at school and I can do whatever I want. Having put in all the hard work when they were small (I used to child mind when the older dc started school. Stopped when having youngest), this is my reward

Maybe sah is more suited to people who don't get lonely or crave constant contact with other adults.

It may be your reward but you may pay for giving yourself that reward of things don't go to plan i.e. Husband leaves you unexpectedly.
Definitely right about two dc and working mums needing constant adult interaction! I definitely can't take too much dc babble. Maybe that might change when dd is older (now 4) I got very bored and enjoy adult interaction a lot. I originally planned to be a sahm and feel lucky I am in a position to keep working as not everyone has a choice.

People always talk about the husband leaving but, for many of us, even 2 jobs make us interdependent - if I leave, he is just as fucked as I am if he leaves. The issue only applies to those who could survive on one income in the first place, surely? So, it's not so much a feminist issue as a money/class issue.

On the off chance that this is real, and FWIW I lost confidence right at the post about your SAHD, don't do it unless you're married. I'd also think hard about whether you want to SAH with a partner who's apparently that useless with money. Even if he does let you control the finances completely, you don't necessarily have any way of enforcing that. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with SAHing (the arguments about the societal context and implications are correct and relevant but you should still do what's best for you). And even if there were, blaming the women who do it rather than the society around us would be misogyny. But you need to get some ducks in a row first.

Yawn.

Interesting topic. Most problems seem to arise from the fact of what happens if one of the two wants to end, or does end, the relationship.

With regards to the money, I don't understand anyway why people don't share. You chose someone to share your life with. Except money? And if you do split up, for sure the other should pay for the parent that stayed home. It was hopefully a join decision to have kids, and for one to stay home, the loss in career progression from that simply has to be recognized. Might be a good idea to write contracts upon having kids. Even if neither stays home and you pay for a nanny, the mother will lose out I would guess up to a year, in terms of sick days, actual labor, recovery, and whatnot. That should also needs to be recognized imo.

Roseandlily.
I don't want to read and run.
Congratulations on your baby, please just enjoy being a mum and take things as they come, we never know what till happen in this life, and may you and your DH enjoy your babies and your life together.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be the perfect mum, and enjoy the first few months of motherhood, then see what seems right for all 3 of you.
No 2 families have the same needs and wants, so always be open to change and so long as you talk to your DH about all the things that go on in your little family, you stand of having a strong relationship.
Don't forget this will be a massive change for him as well, so budgets are important to sort so you both don't feel controlled by the other person.

But more than anything else share the love.