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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Hi, can anyone help me to define this sexual encounter please?

52 replies

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly · 26/01/2017 18:38

Two friends, male and female go out for a drink as they have done many times in the past.

Female gets drunk much more quickly than usual, due to medical issue.

Female says she needs to get the train home. Male pretends to phone national rail enquiries and says all trains cancelled so she'll have to stay at his house.

Female checks herself and trains are running, her friend lied about them being cancelled.

It is late and the journey home will take over an hour and she will be on her own. Male convinces female to have another drink and get the last train home. Female accepts of her own free will.

Male then spends some time convincing female to just come back to his house and sleep in his spare room.

Female, very drunk at this point and worried about long journey home agrees.

On way back to males house in taxi male kisses female. Female responds. Female has sex with male using a condom, she is enthusiastic and wants to do this.

Female then tries to go to sleep. Male wants to have sex again. Male says there are no condoms. Female doesn't want to have unprotected sex, no discussion takes place as male having sex with female before she realises what he is doing (bear in mind she is still very drunk).

Once this has finished female starts falling asleep. Male turns female over and when she asks what he's doing he replies: "going again" to which she responds with a clear no. Male leaves female alone.

Female falls asleep/passes out. What happens next is unknown.

Just wondered how others would define this situation?

OP posts:
thatshowasuperherolearnstofly · 26/01/2017 20:13

Thanks for taking the time to either name change or join MN to contribute that singlemother.

All trolls/sockpuppets/rape apologists/victim blamers are welcome to contribute anyway.

Because it helps me to see how I tucked it all away.

"No harm done" Yep, I would have used that to excuse it too.

OP posts:
BiBi8 · 26/01/2017 20:14

Sock puppet much singlemother

AssassinatedBeauty · 26/01/2017 20:16

OP, I'm so sorry your thread has attracted these idiotic victim blamers.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Have you been able to get any support or counselling?

RustyPaperclip · 26/01/2017 20:17

Singlemother how can you honestly say no harm was done? Even if you don't believe that it was rape (no offence meant OP) can you not understand that it could still cause great distress and worry?

Blue09 · 26/01/2017 20:18

I would definitely define this incident as being rape, it doesn't matter if you had consented 50 times before - that once incident I would class as rape.

I'm sorry for what you have been through and I hope you have loving friends or family round you who are able to listen and support you. Have you confided in anyone you know?

littleoysterslittleoysters · 26/01/2017 20:19

Thats a really shit thing to have happened OP. I hope you fine peace for yourself.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2017 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly · 26/01/2017 20:21

Yes I'm in counselling, I'm actually doing pretty well, all things considered!

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 26/01/2017 20:21

Fly, you are so strong. Your response to single and Isidora is magnificent. Star

RustyPaperclip · 26/01/2017 20:23

Echoing pickle Smile

Nicktynoo · 26/01/2017 20:27

Hi OP.

Firstly I think what you described is rape. I am so sorry you've had to cope with the sexual abuse as a child and also this as an adult.
I don't know where you are in the U.K. But i had amazing help from an organisation called 1in4

www.oneinfour.org.uk

They helped me so much. I believe there's a helpline aswell as face to face counselling.
I experienced both childhood and adult assaults which left me doubting it could all have happened. The help I recieved allowed me to grieve, get angry and take my life back.

I wish you the best of luck and fuck the pratts who have been leaving insults. Maybe they have been through something similar and aren't yet ready to face it so attack instead.

Much love ❤️

Lovemusic33 · 26/01/2017 20:50

Glad you are getting counselling, I have just started counselling, my ex partner raped me in a similar way though I hadn't been drinking, I was also abused when I was 15. I am pleased that I have been offered counselling. I did tell the police, the whole process was very stressful and eventually the police decided there was not enough evidence and chargers were dropped. I hope that me telling the police wasn't a complete waste of time, I hope if he does this to anyone else that they will report him too as my statement will still be logged.

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly · 26/01/2017 21:03

Thanks everyone.

Nickty thanks for the link to 1 in 4, I will look, it looks really helpful. Sorry you've been through this crap too, the additional self-doubt really adds an element of fun, doesn't it?! I've lost count of the days I've thought I'm losing my mind. I know I'm not, though.

Much love to you also :)

Lovemusic. I'm sorry to hear of what you've been through, too. I'm glad you have counselling in place.

I have a great therapist, been seeing him for a year now.

I'm seeing him in the morning and intend to discuss this incident with him. I know he'll tell me that the guilt and shame isn't mine to own. It's just easy to believe that when others are so quick to tell you that it is.

OP posts:
Poppyred85 · 26/01/2017 21:07

Superhero I've deliberately chosen that bit of your username because I suspect you may be one. Not with special powers or the ability to fly but with something more: the ability to face the shit things life has dealt you; to not be dragged down and consumed by it but to keep moving forwards. And I think that's pretty amazing. Flowers
To answer the questions you asked: the first encounter is a tricky one, possibly consented, possibly rape (only you know whether you knowingly consented, or were too drunk to be able to truly consent). The second time, I sadly would agree with those who say it was rape.

Datun · 26/01/2017 21:35

thatshow

I think the first one was an opportunist being a prick, a liar and morally wrong. In the second two he was all the above and a rapist too.

You sound as though you may be coming to terms with things and turning the negativity around. Bloody well done. Flowers

Viviene · 26/01/2017 22:09

At first I was thinking the first one was consensual sex and second and next rape / attempted rape.
However, thinking about it, the first intercourse could be premeditated (I'll get her drunk and take her home) in which case while technically not a rape, it would still be abuse in my books.
Hope you're ok.

SweetGrapes · 26/01/2017 22:21

The first one sounds at least pre-medidated and manipulative if not out right rape. The later ones are def rape.
Flowers to you op. I hope you get the support you need.

VestalVirgin · 27/01/2017 11:08

Therefore interested in other people opinions as to how they would file it away.

Rape. I would feel horribly traumatized by this.

And I would, in retrospect, wonder how consensual the first sexual encounter that night was. The brain can do weird things to protect us from harm - such as telling us that we enjoy something because we have no choice, anyway.

Obviously, "female" did not plan to have sex with "male" that night. The other way round, on the other hand ...

And then there is the question of how consensual it really is if you have sex with a lying liar and rapist while believing him to be your friend and a decent person. If you would not consent knowing all the facts, then how valid is the consent you gave really?

Flowers I'm glad you have a good therapist.

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly · 27/01/2017 19:05

Thanks vestal.

Thinking more on it, we usually met in a City between both of our locations, but for some reason that night he suggested that I come all the way out to him (so no journey home for him but long journey home for me).

It seemed reasonable at the time..

OP posts:
thatshowasuperherolearnstofly · 27/01/2017 19:08

Sorry, didn't see there were earlier replies too. Thank you poppyred, datun, viviene and sweetgrapes.

OP posts:
barkinginessex · 27/01/2017 19:18

Your 'friend' sounds like a predatory scumbag and took full advantage of you being drunk. I hope you are okay Flowers.

Datun · 27/01/2017 19:21

The brain can do weird things to protect us from harm - such as telling us that we enjoy something because we have no choice, anyway.

Yup.

Butterymuffin · 27/01/2017 19:23

Whatever you call it (and the later parts of it would be rape for me) those were the actions of a disgusting and unethical person. Someone not worthy of your friendship.

Hateloggingin · 27/01/2017 19:28

Op, rape sorry :(

please ignore the twat posters, they get a thrill from saying disgusting things to a rape victim... They need to have a long think about why that is and what it says about them.

UntilTheCowsComeHome · 27/01/2017 19:42

I just wanted to add to this thread because I'm dealing with similar thoughts at the moment.

In the last couple of months I've had a real wake up call about past sexual experiences and how many of them were actually grooming, assault and abuse.

It came like a smack in the face from nowhere and I'm full of so much hate, doubt, and anxiety that I got to 36 years old before I fully realised all that has happened to me.

I've shut myself off sexually from DH, I don't want anyone to touch me. Too many men have touched me before.

It's such a head fuck.

Op, I'm so pleased to hear you're having therapy. It's something I'm considering myself. I really wish you all the best and hope you can get some closure. Flowers

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