Not sure whether I should be worried about my friend or not?!

[bigchanges]

My friend is a similar age to me (early 30s) and has been living with her boyfriend for a couple of years.

Recently though (last 6 months or so) she has been posting on facebook and talking about stuff like 1950s housewife manuals and books where it seems like the woman does all the domestic stuff and the men rule the roost.

I mean she has always been into crafts and home related stuff but the gender role stuff seems to have really picked up.

For example she was telling me about a 1950s housewife group she has joined and about the books she is reading. But she is stressing and anxious about all the housekeeping stuff and saying that she isn't getting enough done. They both work shifts and she is studying too so I tried to say that it isn't going to be perfectly clean as there aren't enough hours in the day.

But when I was round there the other day she had been at work from 6am and then was running about tidying up before her boyfriend got home. Saying that the washing up needed to be done before he got back.

I know it is her life and her relationship but I feel a bit worried. Maybe I am stepping over the line but it seems wrong to me that she spends all her time off doing cleaning and then beats herself up that it isn't good enough.

It's waving red flags for abuse for me I'm afraid.

He sounds like a controlling nightmare.

She isn't a wife and she isn't home all day.

He should be doing his own bloody dusting!!

Sounds like the beginning of a play.

It doesn't sound good. The only woman I've ever known who behaved like this was a very devout Christian (and not in a good way) and a full-time housewife. Other mums looked at her askance, particularly when her DS told school friends he was glad to be a boy because he'd be able to come home from work and read the paper while his wife did the work. She made two dinners every night. One simple one for the DC and another more formal meal for her DH.

Her DH once turned up when she was chatting in the street and ordered her home. She was 7 months pregnant.

I felt very sorry for her until I realised that she thought my cheerful chaos and egalitarian relationship with my DH were symptoms of child neglect and irresponsibility. Six months after my DH died she reported me to Social Services. They were cross to have had their time wasted but I will never forget the fear and distress she caused me at a time when my boys and I were deep in mourning.

Bit off topic, I know, but once I started typing it poured out. It happened over Christmas so I remember it more.

Ime, an obsession with housework can be connected to very unhealthy views about the role of women and an overwhelming preoccupation with order.

Or he may just be a controlling bully. One thing I'd think worth saying to your friend, OP. If she's being a 50s housewife just the way he likes, then why hasn't he asked her to marry him? No 50s woman - or man,for that matter - would expect a woman to be a good little housewife to a man who wasn't her husband. It just doesn't make sense. The two things go together.

I treat housework as a hobby. I wear a pinny and sometimes even a head scarf. I have plans and boards telling me what needs doing on certain days/weeks/months/seasons. For me it started as a way to control my own life (lacking the money/opportunities to control it in a more fundamental way) but I do enjoy it now. My partner thinks it's great (as he does very little) but that is because of my controlling rather than his lack of effort. I at any point I said 'fuck it I'm not doing it today' he'd do it.

I find it actually exhilarating to know that I have scrubbed and cleaned my house to within an inch of its life. I get excited in the cleaning aisles as much as I do in a book shop. My life is simpler and less stressful because of it. But this is MY choice. If my partner expected any of this he could fuck right off. We are a partnership. I don't do this because it's a 'womans' place - I do it because I genuinely enjoy it.

Sounds like the beginning of a play

I agree having now looked at OP's posting history.

Lass

First thing I do

Excuseme, will you marry me? I've been looking for someone like you all my life.