Not sure whether I should be worried about my friend or not?!

[bigchanges]

My friend is a similar age to me (early 30s) and has been living with her boyfriend for a couple of years.

Recently though (last 6 months or so) she has been posting on facebook and talking about stuff like 1950s housewife manuals and books where it seems like the woman does all the domestic stuff and the men rule the roost.

I mean she has always been into crafts and home related stuff but the gender role stuff seems to have really picked up.

For example she was telling me about a 1950s housewife group she has joined and about the books she is reading. But she is stressing and anxious about all the housekeeping stuff and saying that she isn't getting enough done. They both work shifts and she is studying too so I tried to say that it isn't going to be perfectly clean as there aren't enough hours in the day.

But when I was round there the other day she had been at work from 6am and then was running about tidying up before her boyfriend got home. Saying that the washing up needed to be done before he got back.

I know it is her life and her relationship but I feel a bit worried. Maybe I am stepping over the line but it seems wrong to me that she spends all her time off doing cleaning and then beats herself up that it isn't good enough.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Excuseme, will you marry me? I've been looking for someone like you all my life.

[Datun]

Lass

First thing I do

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

Sounds like the beginning of a play

I agree having now looked at OP's posting history.

[ExcuseMeButtingIn]

I treat housework as a hobby. I wear a pinny and sometimes even a head scarf. I have plans and boards telling me what needs doing on certain days/weeks/months/seasons. For me it started as a way to control my own life (lacking the money/opportunities to control it in a more fundamental way) but I do enjoy it now. My partner thinks it's great (as he does very little) but that is because of my controlling rather than his lack of effort. I at any point I said 'fuck it I'm not doing it today' he'd do it.

I find it actually exhilarating to know that I have scrubbed and cleaned my house to within an inch of its life. I get excited in the cleaning aisles as much as I do in a book shop. My life is simpler and less stressful because of it. But this is MY choice. If my partner expected any of this he could fuck right off. We are a partnership. I don't do this because it's a 'womans' place - I do it because I genuinely enjoy it.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

It doesn't sound good. The only woman I've ever known who behaved like this was a very devout Christian (and not in a good way) and a full-time housewife. Other mums looked at her askance, particularly when her DS told school friends he was glad to be a boy because he'd be able to come home from work and read the paper while his wife did the work. She made two dinners every night. One simple one for the DC and another more formal meal for her DH.

Her DH once turned up when she was chatting in the street and ordered her home. She was 7 months pregnant.

I felt very sorry for her until I realised that she thought my cheerful chaos and egalitarian relationship with my DH were symptoms of child neglect and irresponsibility. Six months after my DH died she reported me to Social Services. They were cross to have had their time wasted but I will never forget the fear and distress she caused me at a time when my boys and I were deep in mourning.

Bit off topic, I know, but once I started typing it poured out. It happened over Christmas so I remember it more.

Ime, an obsession with housework can be connected to very unhealthy views about the role of women and an overwhelming preoccupation with order.

Or he may just be a controlling bully. One thing I'd think worth saying to your friend, OP. If she's being a 50s housewife just the way he likes, then why hasn't he asked her to marry him? No 50s woman - or man,for that matter - would expect a woman to be a good little housewife to a man who wasn't her husband. It just doesn't make sense. The two things go together.

[Datun]

Sounds like the beginning of a play.

[Beebeeeight]

It's waving red flags for abuse for me I'm afraid.

He sounds like a controlling nightmare.

She isn't a wife and she isn't home all day.

He should be doing his own bloody dusting!!

[bigchanges]

The books she mentioned to be were total woman and fascinating womanhood.

See I don't know what happens if she doesn't clean up before he gets home.

I don't know if it is OCD? She doesn't mention germs or anything mostly just puts herself down for not having everything done perfectly and says he likes things a certain way.

[Doobigetta]

But she gets so worked up over it - saying that she needs to get straight home from work to catch up on her jobs before he gets in.

Or what? What happens if the jobs aren't done before he gets home? That's the worrying part.

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

I cant think of anything worse than seeing housework as a hobby

I don't like housework and I pay someone else to do it. When I do have to do it, it can be quite satisfying. I just don't want to have to do it that often. Much as I don't like I can think of plenty of bona fide hobbies I'd hate far more.

I get the point of it if you're not also having to work outside the home and if it includes cooking and baking. I really enjoy baking and I can see there would be pleasure to be had out of say properly starched linen and sparkling glass and silverware.

I would not want to live my life like the women in the link below - I could not stand not being financially independent but if it is their genuine choice it's not for me to tell them they can't.

Having said that the OP's friend seems to be getting the worst of both worlds. The women in the link below all seem to be financially comfortable, claim to be enjoying it and are appreciated.

I Want to Be Like a 50's Housewife | Group with Personal Stories, Forums and Chat
www.experienceproject.com/groups/Want-To-Be-Like-A-50s-Housewife/14995

[TeiTetua]

she was telling me about a 1950s housewife group she has joined

Tell me this is a joke. Oh please please do.

But hey, I can see it now, a feminist sub-group forms and subverts the larger group. Social dissent breaks out, there are demonstrations and consciousness-raising sessions, even separatist tendencies. Before you know it, there'll be 1970s women's liberation groups too. Which sounds like a lot more fun actually.

[DramaInPyjamas]

"But she is stressing and anxious about all the housekeeping stuff and saying that she isn't getting enough done."
*
"the washing up needed to be done before he got back."
*
"she spends all her time off doing cleaning and then beats herself up that it isn't good enough."


it doesn't sound like she's doing it for fun or its something she is entirely happy with doing tbh

[DramaInPyjamas]

Is is just housework? Does he control other things like what she wears/spends?
Is one of the books she has mentioned reading recently called The Surrendered Wife?

It does sound like he's sort of brainwashing her into thinking this is what she wants and needs to do to keep him happy, especially if she's stressing about the cleaning, yet continues to do it.

[GettingitwrongHauntingatnight]

I cant think of anything worse than seeing housework as a hobby.

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

Quite crayfish but in my friends case it keeps her happy. Personally I avoid it

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

I think you can help by pointing out that the super housewives on YouTube are nearly all actual housewives and don't fit cleaning in amongst working as well. It may help her to see that she's holding herself to an unachievable standard (seriously these women do things like changing the bedding every day, it is in no way compatible with a full time job never mind studying on top)

As a side note, I'd wonder whether the focus on cleaning may be caused by anxiety as well as being a cause of it - my Aunt has obsessive tendencies and has had phases of being extremely religious, obsessively clean, fastidiously vegan etc etc because in her anxious phases she's attracted to strict rules that give her life structure. Does this sound like your friend?

[crayfish]

odd not off.

[crayfish]

God, housework as a hobby. That makes me sad.

It is a bit off tbf. My ex husband used to be a bit like this though, not trying to be a 1950s housewife obvs, but obsessed with getting the place tidying and keeping on top of his 'chores'. He did have OCD though, it certainly wasn't imposed byt me, nor would I have given him cleaning supplies as a gift. Can you ask her (gently) why the sudden interest in all things housewifey?

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

It'll always be Jif to me too 0phelia

My friend does this a hobby but I can see why you're worried if it's been creeping in since she got with her partner. It's not healthy if she's obsessing over it either.

I get excited over cleaning products but don't buy many as I try not to use chemicals & because I'm cheap.

[bigchanges]

I have tried to gently ask about it a couple of times. She said one time that he likes things the way he likes them and another said that she was disappointed in herself for not being able to keep on top of the housework. Mostly she focuses on how she should be doing better with it or that it should be easy to keep everything tidy.

[SpeakNoWords]

Can you ask her why she's recently become worried about things like this? Would she be able to answer you?

[bigchanges]

It was a set of duster things?!

I don't think I would worry but it seems to have taken over her life - following housewives on youtube, reading books on cleaning and perfect housewives and seeming to spend all her time cleaning - but it seems to be making her anxious. I popped round and she was stressing because she needed to hoover everywhere and there was a mark on the carpet that she couldn't get out.

[0phelia]

Lass lol must say I'd accept anything from the Vitamin E range by The Bodyshop. My standards are ovbs not so high!

[0phelia]

*It's Cif now isn't it. Showing my age.

[0phelia]

Christ.
Could she have OCD?

If a friend of mine started doing all like that and got overjoyed by Jif or whatever as a gift... Yeah I'd worry!