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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Things you are not supposed to do as a woman ...

149 replies

YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/10/2016 07:42

... but (still) do anyway (?)

A few random thoughts inspired this thread. Elsewhere on MN there is a thread about going into a pub / bar alone (as a woman) and I was surprised at the number of women who said that they didn't do this, either because of fear of harassment or because it's just not done for women to do this.

Nearly two decades ago I was meeting colleagues before a work dinner at Pub X. I assumed that meant IN Pub X. The first to turn up waited outside for the second to turn up and when both came in they were surprised to see me sitting there with a beer. Conversation ensued about;

  1. Women going into pubs alone
  2. Drinking alone (anywhere)

I learned that these were not acceptable for a woman. Oddly, these women were both academic feminists. They were my superiors, so I didn't say anything other than 'it was cold out and I wanted a seat'.

For a while, I felt a bit odd about going into pubs alone (and ordering a pint or two). But I gradually started doing it again and didn't think oddly of it again until I read that post.

Then I read the Grayson Perry post and the article in the Telegraph. I thought it good, but was also intrigued about how he monitored other men so that he knew what masculinity was. It struck me that I have simply never done this with women / femininity.

Thus, I've been told from time-to-time that I do things that are not expected of women, such as liking whisky, travelling alone, etc.

I was wondering what other women here have always done, but have been told that they should not, as a woman? Are there any interesting stories about how women found out they were breaking gender rules? Did anyone stop doing things because they were told it was unacceptable? Is there anything women want to do but are too inhibited to do for fear of breaking gender rules?

OP posts:
NeverEverAnythingEver · 22/10/2016 07:52

summer I'm the same with my name. I don't know how you keep track of using different names for different context, like some of my colleagues. It's bad enough having to remember your birth date and those of your children!

It's funny about the driving in the dark and all that, isn't it? You'd almost think that a woman is supposed to be helpless...

YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/10/2016 08:18

Thanks for all the replies - now I know many other things I have been doing wrong as a woman! Curtains should match cushions? Really!?

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/10/2016 08:20

... oh, and being a real ale fan, I'll sometimes order halves rather than full pints ... but I'll order two (different ones, obviously) at once (what is Wetherspoons for, I ask?). I guess that is not the done thing either :)

OP posts:
Beebeeeight · 22/10/2016 08:28

joining the men for a chat after dinner (whilst the women wash up)

Baby- I'd forgotten about this, every Christmas etc the women all end up in the kitchen for hours afterwards!

I refuse to. I'd rather stay on the couch and watch the tele.

The kissing thing I think is crying out for a new thread.
Ime women are more passive than men.

Boolovessulley · 22/10/2016 08:30

I was told by my ex that swearing didn't become me.
I replied something along the lines of what a fucking shame you don't know it's 2014 and women can bastard swear as much as they fucking want to.

I go into coffee shops and cafes alone regularly to enjoy the peace whilst dd is doing her hobby.

NeverEverAnythingEver · 22/10/2016 08:37

Boolovessulley Grin I learned from here that when people say it's "unladylike" you say ladies are women who know their place and I fucking don't fucking want to know my fucking place. Wink

NeverEverAnythingEver · 22/10/2016 08:37

Oh I so crave sitting in a cafe/pub/restuarant on my own ...

Kr1stina · 22/10/2016 08:47

I don't swear I'm RL. And I usually only swear on MN when men appear to lecture us on how unladylike it is . I particularly enjoyed " I hope you don't kiss you baby with that foul mouth of yours "

iremembericod · 22/10/2016 08:48

Drink in pubs alone
Run and walk wherever I want in dark
Cycle
Iift weighs
Don't want to get married
Don't own a single dress
Don't own a single skirt
Completely financially independent

But despite that list in many ways I'm very feminine....I have heels, wear make up, long girly hair.

Kr1stina · 22/10/2016 08:50

I have also discovered that it's unladylike to know more than a man about any subject ever. And if you do happen to know more, you must be sure not to mention it because that woudl be " showing off " .

Hmm Hmm

Bikermum82 · 22/10/2016 08:51

Riding motorbikes
Walking alone in the woods
Walking at night
Drinking pints (back when i drank)
Doing all the driving
Never wearing dresses
Not wearing makeup
Fixing things myself and not expecting dp to do it.
Saying no

Mittensonastring · 22/10/2016 08:52

Travelling alone
Pub and eating out alone
Video gaming
Whistling
Steak, have no idea how this is a man thing

Main thing is I will stand my ground with men. Over the years it has caused many ructions. On the other hand people like DH were attracted to me due to my hold my own attitude. He saw me get up in our old workplace in front of 200 people to put my opinion forward knowing it would be unpopular with our employers. It was and led to threats of legal action, but hey everyone loved me for daring to speak. I have balls, they are just metaphorical ones. He had seen me and had a physical attraction but hearing me speak out literally made him think that's the woman for me.

Pestilence13610 · 22/10/2016 08:53

DIY
Changing tyres
Instructing builders
DH is 6 ft 3 and built like the proverbial brick shit house. He has a hernia and has to be careful about straining himself. We got a puncture, I changed it. Got to the tyre place, I start taking flat tyre off back of car and three men rush to help me. DH cracks up laughing as the previous time he had done it and nobody helped him. I wasn't objecting, landrover wheels are fecking heavy.
I am tall and fit, also worked many years on building sites, yet when it comes to physical tasks people expect DH to either do it or organise someone else to do it.
I think it has got worse, I see less women on building sites now than in the late 80s

BadToTheBone · 22/10/2016 09:16

I've been going into pubs alone, either meeting mates or when travelling, for over 30 years now, only once has anyone commented on it and that was this summer, apparently I'd have looked like a prostitute waiting for business. No one uttered a word to me in the 80's but come 2016 someone said that, it floored me. I'd ran there to meet my husband who was going to swing by on his journey home from work to have a drink and then drive me home. So I was sweaty, hair up, in a country pub with a glass of lemonade and a pint sitting on the other side of the table. The very epitome of hooker, lol.

I just laughed at him and told him he was talking out of his arse.

BadToTheBone · 22/10/2016 09:28

I never leave anything for a man to do, I'll do anything and everything for myself or if need be, I'll hire a professional when a trained skill set is needed.

THAT was always commented on in the 80's but not so much now. I made the decision to be independent when I had a blow out on an American highway at 2am, I managed to change my wheel by trial and error, I never wanted to be that unprepared ever again and the feeling of pride that I'd managed to sort it out, gave me strength.

tigerdriverII · 22/10/2016 09:44

Gosh, I'm surprised and saddened by this thread. We haven't woken up to find its 1956? I'm in my fifties and so have the menopausal cloak of invisibility but I've done lots of things others have referred to all my adult life without comment or hassle.

I also go to football matches on my own, if DS can't make it: I've been to a few 'interesting' away grounds and never felt out of place.

I love fast cars and have had many over the years. Interestingly the only time I've had hassle as a woman driver was when I drove a souped up hot hatch: found giving them the finger and zooming off was fairly satisfying.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/10/2016 14:13

Tigerdriver - I'm actually really heartened by the thread. I've learned that I'm not the only one who breaks gender rules and so many women who posted have talked about doing amazing things!

OP posts:
NeverEverAnythingEver · 22/10/2016 17:45

"I hope you don't kiss you baby with that foul mouth of yours"

Grin

People do like telling women what they can or can't say, don't they?

KickAssAngel · 22/10/2016 20:14

I live in the US.

I'm now desperate for a proper British pint!

Speaking up in meetings. TBH when I'm at work I'm really focused on the work and it doesn't occur to me that I should act a certain way because I'm female. Most of us are fairly forceful though, male or female. We're teachers, so used to being in control.

Kr1stina · 22/10/2016 20:29

Indeed NeverEver

Particularly pleasing to me as I don't even say shit in RL

I did enjoy telling him to FOTTFSOFO etc

FrancesHaHa · 22/10/2016 20:32

Quite happily dine out/ travel/ go to the pub alone etc.

But for me perhaps some of these things are place/time specific. For example, never would have dreamt of drinking a pint until I went to uni and the penny dropped that this was what everyone was doing - never looked back.

Also, pubs have changed a lot over the last 25 years, with many deliberately becoming more women friendly. There's plenty I would have been hesitant to go into alone in my home town 25 years ago as they were so male, but a lot of these pubs have now died out.

Living in London it wouldn't occur to me not to go out alone/ go running late at night, but everywhere is busy. Not sure I'd feel the same in the countryside though. Also, not abnormal amongst friends not to be married, child has my surname etc but it would be much more unusual in some places I imagine

bluetongue · 23/10/2016 02:22

I've done quite a few ski trips solo which is apparently okay for men but a bit strange for a woman. Interestingly I met quite a few women travelling solo from various European countries and it seemed a prett normal thing for them to do.

Walk by myself in the dark all the time. Without a dog even! Do keep aware of my surroundings but only in a way that I imagine most men would do. Always findit a bit strange when people say get a taxi at night. Because taxi drivers are never dodgy obviously....

Fantome · 23/10/2016 03:15

I was told at a party today that "girls don't fart". To which I said that was funny because if that's the case then I should get my room exhumed as something definitely smells regularly in there.

I am immature, even for my age. But he started it.

NeverEverAnythingEver · 23/10/2016 10:57

"Girls don't fart". Grin Girls must have a different digestive system then.

Actually the way people go on about this they must think women and girls are a different (inferior) species.

I was told that "girls don't tell fart jokes". This is a clear case of confirmation bias...

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