Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Things you are not supposed to do as a woman ...

149 replies

YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/10/2016 07:42

... but (still) do anyway (?)

A few random thoughts inspired this thread. Elsewhere on MN there is a thread about going into a pub / bar alone (as a woman) and I was surprised at the number of women who said that they didn't do this, either because of fear of harassment or because it's just not done for women to do this.

Nearly two decades ago I was meeting colleagues before a work dinner at Pub X. I assumed that meant IN Pub X. The first to turn up waited outside for the second to turn up and when both came in they were surprised to see me sitting there with a beer. Conversation ensued about;

  1. Women going into pubs alone
  2. Drinking alone (anywhere)

I learned that these were not acceptable for a woman. Oddly, these women were both academic feminists. They were my superiors, so I didn't say anything other than 'it was cold out and I wanted a seat'.

For a while, I felt a bit odd about going into pubs alone (and ordering a pint or two). But I gradually started doing it again and didn't think oddly of it again until I read that post.

Then I read the Grayson Perry post and the article in the Telegraph. I thought it good, but was also intrigued about how he monitored other men so that he knew what masculinity was. It struck me that I have simply never done this with women / femininity.

Thus, I've been told from time-to-time that I do things that are not expected of women, such as liking whisky, travelling alone, etc.

I was wondering what other women here have always done, but have been told that they should not, as a woman? Are there any interesting stories about how women found out they were breaking gender rules? Did anyone stop doing things because they were told it was unacceptable? Is there anything women want to do but are too inhibited to do for fear of breaking gender rules?

OP posts:
n0ne · 21/10/2016 14:46

Oo, I forgot, tasting the wine before a meal! Both DH and I know bit about wine (we did a fairly intensive course a few years back) but he insists I have the better nose so likes me to taste. Every. Single. Time a waiter brings us wine in a restaurant, they pour it in his glass for him to taste. Which he then hands to me (cos he rocks). He always gets given the bill, too, even if I ask for it.

NeverEverAnythingEver · 21/10/2016 15:43

Joining in ...

I love going to eat or drink alone ... I think at the back of my mind I do register that in the olden days (Grin) you won't be expected to do so. But FFS it's the 21st century. Though looking round what's happening these days you might not think so...

AgeingArtemis · 21/10/2016 16:59

Personally I wouldn't go out to eat alone (unless I was on holiday or for whatever reason cooking for myself was impractical) as for me the company is equally as important as the food.

I often walk back from friends houses or pubs at night, alone, and everyone treats this as a much bigger deal than I think it is, making such a huge fuss EVERYTIME. Yes, in some situations walking alone at night is unwise and I would choose a taxi, but I have thought about the risks and decided that in this case that is what I want to do. It is a very short walk and I have never felt unsafe. It's my decision and I wish people would respect it. (It is nearly always the women who comment on it)

Equally I would never mention this to my mother- she freaks out if I dare to go for a walk or run alone (in daylight) in their very "naice" town. The only she "allows" (approves of) me being outside alone is the highstreet, when we have really nice parks and riverside walks.

SarahMOs · 21/10/2016 17:13

I didn't change my surname when I got married and still people INSIST that I am a 'Mrs'. The only useful response I now resort to is 'I got married and my name is exactly as it was when I was born, Miss Sarah XXXX'.

The next question I get is 'what will your children's surnames be?'. We have agreed they can be my husbands surname but I always joke that when we divorce (our silly little fun thing....saying 'when' rather than 'if') I'll change their name to mine 😂

Lessthanaballpark · 21/10/2016 17:37

Asking questions at the end of a public lecture the other day. The audience was roughly 50/50 but 9/10 of the questioners were men. I've berated myself for not putting my hand up but I didn't want to look stupid Blush grrr at myself!

Fantome · 21/10/2016 17:54

SarahMOs - great to hear of you keeping your name and it must be exasperating having people keeping referring to you as "Mrs" automatically. No way I'll ever be a Mrs, my name's mine, if any future husband wants to share a name if I get married he can change his. Can I ask why you've agreed children can have your husband's surname? You nurture them for 9 months and then give birth, they should have your surname not the man's! In my opinion.

SarahMOs · 21/10/2016 18:07

Haha I do agree Fantome! However he really wanted them to and because I get to have the honour of doing that (although still being sick at 15 weeks the word honour is hard to use hehe!) that I was happy they can have his surname. I think the fairest way is to have both mum and Dad surname but ours are too long and it sounds ridiculous! If we were Miss Smith & Mr Brown then I'd totally have 'Smith-Brown'!

Fantome · 21/10/2016 18:31

I agree that is fairest! It's great you kept your surname and talked about children's surnames openly, from what I can tell some men assume they should have their surname, even when the woman keeps hers. If I have children, though, they're definitely having mine alone Grin

BabyGanoush · 21/10/2016 18:40

I am Scandi-Dutch so have not been brought up with the idea that there are certain (totally normal) things women don't do...

So when I moved to the UK some people teased DH about me:

  • drinking pints
  • buying rounds
  • joining the men for a chat after dinner (whilst the women wash up)
  • eating in restaurants alone/holidaying alone
  • not taking responsibility for In-laws birthday cards/presents

Small stuff. I am now more self conscious about these things, sadly

It's rubbing off on me 😱

Lorelei76 · 21/10/2016 18:44

Baby I was born and raised here and have not been in a situation where women wash up while men chat. I know mum has but she's 78.

BabyGanoush · 21/10/2016 18:48

You never met my in laws then Grin

TwentyCups · 21/10/2016 18:50

Oh so many.
I drink pints of ale which is always commented on, especially when I was a teenager. I go to pubs alone quite a lot, I like it but hate comments!

bottleofredplease · 21/10/2016 18:53

My DP is Irish and when we go there the women sit in one room and the men in the other. Men play cards, women chat Confused

Lorelei76 · 21/10/2016 18:58

Bottle....nooooooooooo.....

bottleofredplease · 21/10/2016 19:02

It's true, I remember the first time I went there to a farm house in the countryside. I didn't know any of his relatives but had to sit in a room with all the women whilst DP was off with the men.
Also had to drink tea, whilst they drank beer Confused.

bottleofredplease · 21/10/2016 19:02

Obviously not necessarily true of all the Irish folk!

timelytess · 21/10/2016 19:07

Last Friday night I spent alone in a bar in Dublin, drinking single malt and listening to live music. People (men) did seem to find it unusual - a small crowd at the bar were very concerned when I bought my drink (questioning the barman etc) and several men stood together and watched me (as I watched the musicians) and commented on anything I did or any attitude I displayed. The only person to give me a hard time was the headline act, who decided I hadn't shown his relative enough respect, and called me on it.

ClaudiaJean2016 · 21/10/2016 19:09

I don't mind going out for dinner alone. I tale some work or a book.

I do think it's a bit odd to go to the pub and drink alone if it's for a whole evening and you're getting drunk. Sounds a bit unhealthy. Going in and having a quick drink while waiting for someone is different.

HillaryFTW · 21/10/2016 20:35

I don't think anyone said they were alone getting drunk...

I go to e local for a glass of wine now and then to get out of the house and clear my head once the kids are asleep.

HeyBells · 21/10/2016 20:40

I kept my name when I married, 18 years ago and DP still goes on about it.Hmm I work in a primary school and the staff struggle with the concept of Ms, let alone the kids.

I used to drink pints years ago but would spend the evening running to the loo if I did that now!

Another one is not be interested in sparkly/glitter/nail polish/jewellery type conversations. Just doesn't do it for me.

garlicandsapphire · 21/10/2016 20:44

Never changed my name, ironed my husbands clothes, packed his suitcase, or bought presents for the in-laws or his family.

HardToDeal · 21/10/2016 20:49

I'm boggling about the kissing thing - do most women not kiss with tongues like that then? Shall have to have a straw poll of men I know to find out? No wonder men always think I'm a saucy wench (although I am) Wink

timelytess · 21/10/2016 22:15

Women don't kiss with tongues? I've never kissed a woman, so I didn't realise that. Men don't seem to mind...

garlicandsapphire · 21/10/2016 22:37

I can't quite imagine not walking home alone at night. How do people actually have a life?

summerofsixtynine · 22/10/2016 00:56

I didn't change my name when I got married - didn't even consider it. The children all have my husband's surname though. Not sure why I didn't argue for that one. The thing that gets me is that people (mostly older women/my mother) seem amazed that I drive alone after dark or drive on the motorway or put petrol in my own car! I do sit tight when it's time to buy a round or order in a cafe though but that's only because my husband is so stingy with money that I think he can fucking well pay for it Grin