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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Single sex birthday parties

234 replies

15thaugust · 28/02/2016 15:24

My daughter who is only 5 came home a bit upset as she hasn't been invited to one of her classmates parties 'because he's having a football party and has only invited boys' she likes him, likes football and also said to me 'I invited him to my party' so feels aggrieved. Another girl in her class is having only the girls for a craft party. I am furious with the lazy-brained parents who can't see anything wrong with this! I haven't said anything yet to either child's parents, but it's only a matter of time and opportunity!

OP posts:
Quietwhenreading · 28/02/2016 15:25

My DS had a football party. Just under half the attendees were girls.

Everyone had a super time.

Quietwhenreading · 28/02/2016 15:27

To be fair though - the football thing might be an excuse, he might just not want her there.

Birthday party invitations are standalone, not reciprocal.

SevenSeconds · 28/02/2016 15:27

The thing is, if you want to have an 'inclusive' party (ie not leaving anyone out and hurting their feelings) but need it to be smaller than the whole class, then this is an easy way to do it. I'm not saying it's right but I can see why it happens.

PatriciaHolm · 28/02/2016 15:30

What are you hoping to achieve by talking to them?

It really is up to them, and to the birthday child.

usual · 28/02/2016 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 28/02/2016 15:50

5 seems quite young for only wanting to have his male friends. Aren't children usually a bit older when they get tribal about sex segregation?

I vaguely recall my son going to football parties. I can't remember at what age. All the parties I organised for him were all class

lunar1 · 28/02/2016 15:53

It's a very easy way to halve the numbers, you are overthinking it.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 28/02/2016 15:59

If limiting size is the deciding factor doing it by sex is easier than singling out non-invitees of either sex.

A craft party sounds grim (although not as grim as a football party) Ours were always in leisure centres with the ball pits, slides, tunnels, trampolines and bouncy castles type of equipment.

If your daughter thinks a craft party isn't for her, then decline the invitation. It's not up to you however to dictate what sort of parties other children should have.

Chrysanthemum5 · 28/02/2016 16:04

I understand your frustration at the gender stereotyping but generally most parents do boy or girl parties as a way to reduce numbers. It's a kinder way than leaving out a few boys or girls

NotCitrus · 28/02/2016 16:06

Depends how well the other parents know your child. If they know them well then it seems a bit sad not to invite one that would enjoy the activity, but if they don't then splitting the class in half by sex makes sense.

I suspect dd may be in this situation soon as all her nursery friends are boys (plus two girls from elsewhere). She is 4 and very into declaring all sorts of things as 'boy things' and 'girl things' but so far with no obvious relationship to typical stereotypes.

scallopsrgreat · 28/02/2016 16:08

No 5 isn't too tough about getting tribal about sex segregation. Pre-school is where it happens round here. It's great Hmm

scallopsrgreat · 28/02/2016 16:09

*young not tough

DrSeussRevived · 28/02/2016 16:57

Agree it's easy to split the class.

At a slightly older age, I had to prompt DS to ask some girls. I think calling other parents lazy brained is kinda harsh.

mudandmayhem01 · 28/02/2016 17:07

My DD and ds are 10 and 12 get on fine with each other and children of family friends who are of the opposite sex, but neither of them have close friends of the opposite sex. DD is very sporty and ds is into art and crafts but they seem to chose to do these things with like minded children of their own sex. I have neither discouraged or encouraged this. Personally I spend most of my free time with my female friends who enjoy fell running and biking. I am a feminist as is my DD, my ds even notes sexism on TV but still hangs out with boys in the main.

BeyondBootcampsAgain · 28/02/2016 17:39

Its crap. My eldest was so upset last year when he wasnt invited to his friends "pamper party" as it was girls only. They were four.

LogicalThinking · 28/02/2016 17:53

Lazy brained parents? How incredibly rude.
Maybe the boy didn't want to invite her, maybe it was a way of managing numbers, maybe it's absolutely none of your business!

PrettyBrightFireflies · 28/02/2016 18:08

maybe it's absolutely none of your business!

Gender stereotyping at such a young age is everyone's business.

If he (or the parents) wants a boy-only party, then fine, but a young child attributing the need for gender segregation to the activity taking place is frustrating and disappointing.

LogicalThinking · 28/02/2016 18:27

If he (or the parents) wants a boy-only party, then fine, but a young child attributing the need for gender segregation to the activity taking place is frustrating and disappointing.
But still none of the OP's business.
She has no place in talking to the parents about it. It is their decision.
I am sure if the child particularly wanted the OP's daughter to come to his party, then he would have invited her. There was a girl at my son's school who went to every football party because she played football all the time. She was often the only girl. The birthday boy was probably thinking about all his football friends. She wasn't one of them.

SueTrinder · 28/02/2016 18:28

DD1 has a lovely friend who wanted a football party, his Mum was going to only invite the boys but he insisted DD1 was invited 'because she loves football' he told his Mum. So his Mum invited DD1 and a couple of other sporty girls and they had a great time. Having said that DD1 insisted on a girl only party this time (she's now 8) even though I tried to encourage her to invite some of the boys she plays with. I think the social pressure at school to have segregated parties is quite strong, even if it's not a gendered theme, e.g. she was at a climbing party recently that was all girls, I bet all the boys would have loved it too and knowing the parents the gender split would have been the child's choice not theirs.

Sofiria · 28/02/2016 19:28

When I was in primary school, the boys would often have football parties and invite the whole class, girls included. I didn't otherwise play football - I'm not sporty and my family saw football as 'for boys' anyway, so these parties were probably the only times I played it.

I really, really enjoyed those parties. It makes me feel sad that parents are increasingly choosing to segregate children's parties by sex (when I was a child it was either the whole class invited or a few close friends, depending on the size of the party) from a very young age.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 28/02/2016 19:59

She has no place in talking to the parents about it. It is their decision.

It's entirely the OPs decision whether she chooses to share her opinion with the parents or not - if she's frustrated and disappointed that her DD is being affected by the gender stereotyping by other parents then why shouldn't she?

Of course, the other parents can decide whether to listen or not; and will form an opinion of the OP based on how persuasive her argument is.

Some parents will feel as you do, that it's none of the OPs business. Others may just think a bit more carefully about the language they use and lessons they are teaching their DCs. Even if one parent changes their behaviour, it is worth it, IMO.

Jitterybug · 28/02/2016 20:04

It's quite popular to do single sex parties here as a fair way of splitting the class without making people feel left out.

Doesn't necessarily make it right, but I can understand why it's the route many choose to take.

treaclesoda · 28/02/2016 20:09

I've never done whole class parties, and neither have any of the other children who are in my DDs class at school. She has never invited a boy to her birthday party, simply because she didn't want to. She has been a guest at some of the boys' parties though.

treaclesoda · 28/02/2016 20:11

What I meant to say was that I didn't see it as segregation by gender, just segregation by close friends. I'd guess if I asked DD to put her entire class in order of preference (not that I ever would!) she would list every single girl above any of the boys, even though she likes the boys too.

bluespiral · 28/02/2016 20:14

An easy way to cut down on numbers, surely.

Also if I asked DD4 to pick 15 children to come to a hypothetical party I would bet that most/all would be girls. I hear all about her girlfriends at school but rarely about the boys - I think they do segregate themselves at a young age.