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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Single sex birthday parties

234 replies

15thaugust · 28/02/2016 15:24

My daughter who is only 5 came home a bit upset as she hasn't been invited to one of her classmates parties 'because he's having a football party and has only invited boys' she likes him, likes football and also said to me 'I invited him to my party' so feels aggrieved. Another girl in her class is having only the girls for a craft party. I am furious with the lazy-brained parents who can't see anything wrong with this! I haven't said anything yet to either child's parents, but it's only a matter of time and opportunity!

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 28/02/2016 20:14

I would say YABU but a few months ago hosted a craft home build a bear kit party for my 7 year old DD who insisted on an all male invite list. She was adamant that the boys would enjoy it. I had hosted one before for older DD (all girl).

Put it this way I am still recovering from the ordeal.

starry0ne · 28/02/2016 20:21

My DS last party (7) had 12 children ... 11 were boys... I didn't make him pick another girl to make sure there were more girls...

We are now organising a party for age 9...Not a mention or thought of inviting a girl..

Lweji · 28/02/2016 20:23

Sadly my boy has only ever had two girls at his birthday since he was 5.
His cousin and his godmother's daughter. Who happens to be a class mate too. But wouldn't have been invited if I didn't insist.

Before 5 there was one girl in his class he liked (or rather she chased him) and another I was friends with the mother, plus female cousins.

He is not the type of child that makes friends with girls. He doesn't even make male friends that easily.

He also excludes boys he doesn't like. And the invitations have nothing to do with the type of party, although they tend to be football related or paintball or something like that.
Oh, well.
Should I exclude some of his friends to include girls he hardly interacts with? I don't think so.

DrSeussRevived · 28/02/2016 20:24

It's generally agreed on MN that you shouldn't leave out one or two children of one sex in a class, so 13 out of 15 boys and two girls would risk the two boys feeling left out.

LogicalThinking · 28/02/2016 23:18

if she's frustrated and disappointed that her DD is being affected by the gender stereotyping by other parents then why shouldn't she?
But she doesn't know that her DD is being affected by gender stereotyping, it's more likely that she affected by the boy's friendship group not including her or simple management of numbers.
Sure, she can go and challenge the parents, but it would be bloody rude!

PrettyBrightFireflies · 28/02/2016 23:33

I read the OP as the DD expressing the opinion that she'd been left out because it was a football party and that was why only boys were invited...

" she hasn't been invited to one of her classmates parties 'because he's having a football party and has only invited boys' "

Lweji · 29/02/2016 00:07

As evidence goes, it's hear say.

The daughter said it was because it was football and only for boys.
Who knows the real reasons?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/02/2016 00:21

Who knows the real reasons?

Who knows if the OP has got a DD at all? There seems little point in engaging on a thread if you place limitations on your belief of the OP Hmm

Lweji · 29/02/2016 01:00

I believe the OP.
But I am cautious about a 5 year old version of things. :)

Sanchar · 29/02/2016 01:13

5yo DD would only invite girls. She is going through the 'I hate boys' phase.

8yo DS has only invited girls to his party.

If a parent gave me a lecture over who was invited to my children's party I would be very 😕

Rubygillis · 29/02/2016 02:45

I am normally keen to agree with the feminist pov but I have two boys and when it was time for my son's 5th party he wanted to invite pretty much everyone from pre school (22 children) and we already had about 10 coming from elsewhere. So I said boys only as a way of cutting numbers in half, and because in two years at pre school I had never heard or seen him EVER play with a girl (despite one of his closest old friends being a girl)

So in this case I would assume it was purely through practicality rather than deliberately excluding on the basis of an activity.

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/02/2016 03:37

The OP can be as persuasive as she likes, but if it's 'boys only' for a reason other than lazy-brained gender stereotyping, then she's in danger of making a total arse of herself. Her risk to take, I guess.

I'm as anti-gender stereotyping as the next person, but the OP can't reasonably say anything, and come out of it without looking foolish.

There is more than likely a combination of reasons as to why it's a football party and boys only. It could be backward gender stereotyping, but it could as easily be something far more benign.

To go and have words with the birthday Mum would be a guaranteed way of marking you out as completely socially inept, and to be avoided. It's also great fodder for anyone who even vaguely likes to have a snigger at people behind their backs.

Honestly, if you want to get your kid an invitation to future parties, this is not the way to do it.

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 06:57

I imagine if there's any gender stereotyping it's quite likely on the part of the child.

"What do you want to do for your party?"
"A football party!"
"Ok, you can have 15 people. Bob? Sue? Roger?"
"Oh, girls never play football in the playground, or on the Telly, they don't like it. I'll have Bob and Roger."

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 06:59

Or even "Bob and Roger love football, I'll ask them!" Or "Bob and Roger are always playing football with me, I'll ask them."

Did you ask the whole class, OP? If not, did you intervene in DD's guest list and was it 50:50?

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 29/02/2016 06:59

It's bollocks isn't it. Ds had a sport themed party last year and invited his friends, 3 of whom are girls. It didn't occur to either me or him to make it boys only.

exLtEveDallas · 29/02/2016 07:02

DD is having a girls only party. It's not numbers - she could invite the whole class if she wanted. It's that 1) She doesn't play with any of the boys at break times. 2) There are 3 boys in class that she full on despises. 3) If she invited the boys then 2 of the girls wouldn't/couldn't come.

Her choice.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 29/02/2016 07:02

Why would you cut down on numbers by inviting all the boys or girls when your child won't play with half of them, when there will be kids of the opposite sex that your child actually likes? That makes no sense. Give them a number and let them choose the invitees...?

treaclesoda · 29/02/2016 07:12

But some children don't really have friends of the opposite sex. Why would you want to force them to, any more than you would want to force them not to iykwim?

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 07:49

Vince, in this case there's no evidence that the parents didn't do that and the boy didn't just pick boys.

Otherwise, most kids tend to bias towards friends of their own sex at this age. If you will end up asking 13 boys and 2 girls, you may get criticism for leaving out two boys.

JasperDamerel · 29/02/2016 08:00

I hate these. Most of DD's good friends are girls, so he has quite often been excluded from parties that the rest of his friendship group has attended because he is the only boy :-(

LogicalThinking · 29/02/2016 09:12

Mum: You've only invited boys to your party
Son: You said I can only invite 10 people, they are my 10 football friends
Mum: But that's gender stereotyping, you have to invite some girls to prove to the other parents that I'm raising you as a feminist.

I am sure that if this boy and girl were that close as friends, she would have been invited. I bet the mum didn't tell him that he can't invite any girls.

VestalVirgin · 29/02/2016 09:23

When I was a kid, I had single sex parties ... oh wait, I still have. It's not my fault that the boys in my class never invested in a friendship with me ... and the adult men I know today aren't interested in being "just" friends, either.

Considering how many the boys my age were bullying little shits when I was in primary school, I really see nothing wrong with girls only birthday parties.

This "invite the whole class" thing seems alien to me. IF the sex segregation is by default, and not because the child's friends happen to be the same sex, then I see your point.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/02/2016 09:30

I bet the mum didn't tell him that he can't invite any girls.

The OP won't know unless she asks, will she?

If we can't take the 5 years old testimony as accurate, then I don't think speculation about what the mum may, or may not, have done is reasonable grounds for decision making!

SushiAndTheBanshees · 29/02/2016 09:53

I've just this week sent out birthday party invitations to the 9 girls in DD's class (they're 4yo). None to the boys. It's a craft party, with glittery crap. It never once crossed my mind to say to DD that no she can't have a princess craft party because the boys wouldn't like it and she should pick something the boys would like to do too. Why on earth does she have to prove a point that she's not even aware exists at this stage? If she'd wanted a trampolining party I'd have asked all 20 kids. The boys in her class simply won't enjoy princess crafty shite; three or four would sit there and do it, desultorily, the rest would just be running around doing their own stuff. They are all made to do arts and crafts at school, as well as gym and dance. Some of them enjoy all of it but in the main they have preferences.

This is a birthday party though, not school. DD can do what she likes (within reason).

This isn't a feminist issue for us. It's an issue of letting DD have what she reasonably wants, and cost.

Btw we live overseas in a city with plenty of diversity. I'm not worried for her future feminist credentials. It's all about female empowerment here, which includes the right to be into princessy crap (FYI the complete opposite of me, being of the very generation and upbringing that reviles this stuff).

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/02/2016 09:57

The boys in her class simply won't enjoy princess crafty shite; three or four would sit there and do it, desultorily, the rest would just be running around doing their own stuff. They are all made to do arts and crafts at school, as well as gym and dance. Some of them enjoy all of it but in the main they have preferences.

This is contradictory! You say that some of the boys enjoy art and craft at school but have excluded any boys from your DDs party because you say they wouldn't enjoy it!