Single sex birthday parties

[15thaugust]

My daughter who is only 5 came home a bit upset as she hasn't been invited to one of her classmates parties 'because he's having a football party and has only invited boys' she likes him, likes football and also said to me 'I invited him to my party' so feels aggrieved. Another girl in her class is having only the girls for a craft party. I am furious with the lazy-brained parents who can't see anything wrong with this! I haven't said anything yet to either child's parents, but it's only a matter of time and opportunity!

As for how to solve the problem, your DD has every right not to invite that boy again. That's what I do when I am not invited to a party.
(Alternatively, she could go on and curse his firstborn child, but that'd be a bit over the top )

Pretty, try explaining to a mother that her dear little boy is not invited because he'd not focus on the crafting and instead play football with your sofa cushions and you don't want that.

Much easier to just say "no boys". Even though, nowadays, some mothers would probably argue that their boy is a girl inside ... but it used to be a factual statement that prevents arguing.

I'm not sure how much of it is lazy brained parents.

I've recently organised my dds 5th birthday. Asking a nearly 5 year old who should attend is a bloody nightmare. I either got not info at all or the name of every girl she's ever met.
There was no way I could cope with a whole class party so I invited all the girls plus a handful of boys (she had been to their parties).

Planning a kids birthday party is a pain in the arse. If any parents challenged me on my choice of invites I would have first felt embarrassed then angry.

Lots of kids at that age choose same sex playmates.

I have done single sex parties twice - it was for cost reasons quite simply. It was upper primary age kids and the activities could have been done by either sex, but it cost more than soft play or something for smaller children.
I said to DD she would need to split the class in some way or other, and that is what she chose to do.

try explaining to a mother that her dear little boy is not invited because he'd not focus on the crafting and instead play football with your sofa cushions and you don't want that.

Much easier to just say "no boys".

Which does somewhat imply laziness. Why not use a different characteristic to exclude the DCs you don't want there? Hair colour? Age? Postcode?

As you say, excluding on the basis of gender/sex is easy.

I know its sexist but can be an easy usually relatively uncontroversial way of excluding kids in a way that doesn't hurt feelings as its not personal. I know in an ideal world we would all invite the whole class to everything but in reality thats often not possible. So easier to say "just girls" if your child mostly plays with girls and its not unkind to any boys personally as they ware all excluded.

Fortunately DD1 is clique-y and has a friendship group of 6 job done. DD2 is wafty and plays with most of the kids in the class which is a headache for party planning.

Mine have been single sex since the age of 7? I think.

I accept that they are just as susceptible to social conditioning as I was at that age. I have faith that they'll turn out fine. Like I turned out fine. Like, gender critical, feminist, independent kinda fine.

I'd think you very odd, if you challenged me on it.

pretty

I said the boys are "made to" do arts and crafts at school, not that they enjoy it. And at school they have to do it, because it's school and there's no choice. We're talking about a birthday party here.

Pretty, it would make no sense for the decision to made based on hair colour, because hair colour doesn't make any difference to the likelihood of the child enjoying the party and focusing on the activity.
If the boys in that class are more likely to be kicking the cushions around the hall than they are making glittery crafts, then it's a reasonable decision to say no boys.

Good thing you don't live in Denmark! Here it is standard that parents 'agree' every year that parties are either all the girls, or all the boys (or, rarely, all the class). From kindergarten! I am horrified that this is an agreement everyone agrees to and upholds. No one can see my issue with it. They keep on saying I want to 'leave children out'...

And not wishing to be sexist my elder daughters make a bear all girl party was a roaring success. My younger daughters all male one was, only just, not a disaster. They weren't interested. They had spent all day at school and just wanted to run around the garden (throwing the bears as high in the air as they could). Fair enough.

I only have girls so minimal experience of this. Thankfully have a decent sized garden, it wasn't raining and a trampoline so they played on that rather than the carefully plotted party games that our female party guests have all enjoyed at previous parties over the years. A learning experience for me!

sushi But you did say that some of the boys enjoy it;

They are all made to do arts and crafts at school, as well as gym and dance. Some of them enjoy all of it but in the main they have preferences.

logical Making the assumption that the boys are more likely to kick the cushions around than the girls is gender stereotyping and no different to saying that the redheads, or DCs with older siblings, are more likely to.

When my second dd started school it became obvious all her friends were boys. I was a little wary of play dates, in case the boys were only coming because their parents said they had to, and they didn't actually want to play with a girl. But every parent assured me that their sons really did like dd. She was frequently the only girl at (gender-stereotypical) boys parties. In short, OP, I agree with all the previous posts who have said if the birthday boy had really wanted your dd there, she would have been invited.

In short, OP, I agree with all the previous posts who have said if the birthday boy had really wanted your dd there, she would have been invited.

Assuming that the parents of the birthday boy had allowed him free choice - and not said "oh, we'll only have the boys at your football party because the girls will cry/shriek/want to play with dolls".

Posters on this thread have said that is how they exclude the boys from craft parties!

DS (9) wasn't invited to his female best friend's last birthday party because it was an all girl, make-up and make-over party.
He wouldn't have been interested, but was still upset he couldn't go to his friend's party.

My sister has previously thrown a crafts party for her DS.
Boys are certainly ok with some of these.
As are girls with more sporty parties too.

I really wouldn't decide that a party would be only for girls or boys, and certainly not to avoid one or two of one gender being excluded.
I will always go with DS's preferences for guests. Apart from occasionally forcing some guests (such as one of his male cousins he was annoyed with, or his godmother's dd), rather than exclude based on sex or any other random reason.

Making the assumption that the boys are more likely to kick the cushions around than the girls is gender stereotyping and no different to saying that the redheads, or DCs with older siblings, are more likely to.

I thought like you, once.

Then, to my chargrin, I realized that boys and men stubbornly refused to live up to my expectations. They stubbornly insisted on remaining a bunch of bullies and rowdies, respectively on committing 90% of crime, despite all the feminist efforts to change their socialisation.

There are exceptions, but on the whole, boys and men are just too lazy to aspire to escaping gender stereotypes.

I don't see why we shouldn't treat them accordingly to the stereotypes if there is NO sign at all that those stereotypes don't apply.

Yes, stereotyping is lazy. Know what? I'm lazy. And in the face of the danger of having a dozen or so children run around my house and destroying my furniture, I'd become even more lazy. Sorry.

That said, I'd draw the line at a "Make-up and make-over party" for nine year olds. Not because the poor boys can't come, but because no one should tell nine year old girls that they're not beautiful enough as they are.

I think the debste here has been quite revealing. I am happy that it's not just me unhappy about this. It is absolutely gender stereotyping.
FYI DD invited the whole class, it was a traditional party, bouncy castle, party games, musical statues, treasure hunt etc. All the kids loved it. The parents all commented on how nice it was to have a traditional party, for a change. Perhaps hosting one is a dying art and I admit it is hard work, but it is the kind of party where all the kids can win something so they like it! They will be too old for it in a few years. It didn't cost much more in terms of numbers having the whole class, as the castle was the main cost. DD has a few boys that are friends and she & I wouldn't leave them out so will keep partying old school!!! Life is not segregated, you need the opposite sex around to have balance

I wouldn't want to be responsible for a whole class..Biggest party I have done is 20 people... I did it all myself..My Ds party this year ..He is having the minimum amount of children 10 because of cost..

This is my DS birthday..His 10 closest friends are boys... So only boys are invited... I don't chose his friends.. He has moaned to me about a couple of girls he sits by ..All they talk about is hair...so he finds his only sterotypes in girls

I never did whole class parties - they were too much for my kids and me to cope with! They were always mixed gender because I let my kids choose who they wanted. If they'd have just chosen boys, I would have let them. The boys were definitely the more active ones and I always did active parties.
I wouldn't have imposed my values on them on who I thought they should have invited.
And Pretty, I didn't say that boys are more likely to kick cushions, I said "If the boys in that class are more likely to be kicking the cushions"

Vestal I'm very sorry you haven't met better men.

None of the men in my family are bullies or lazy. In fact they are lovely, kind and hardworking.

I'm sorry you don't have that experience.

You're totally over reacting IMO! Not everyone can afford whole class parties and why should a child not have the party or guests they want just to cater to everyone? If you confront the parents you're going to look a bit crazy! Think of it as a money saver and get over it!

My daughter doesn't want to invite boys to her birthday party in a couple of months' time because she 'only plays with girls'. Nor does she want to go to her male classmate's party in a few weeks.

They will be 4

You don't invite kids to a party in the expectation of a reciprocal invitation.
You'll probably find your DD'S party invitations drying up completely if you start insisting that others subscribe to your view on gender politics for 5 year olds.

On the whole it should be up to the party child as to who they invite, usually with a little guidance from a parent.

Not everyone wants to do big whole class parties. Some prefer a select few.

I tend to thing that it should be the whole of one particular group o, else half or less of said group:

• all class, or half or less of class
• all girls, or half or less of the girls
• all boys, or half or less of the boys
• all of a really close friendship group, or half or less of said group