Single sex birthday parties

[15thaugust]

My daughter who is only 5 came home a bit upset as she hasn't been invited to one of her classmates parties 'because he's having a football party and has only invited boys' she likes him, likes football and also said to me 'I invited him to my party' so feels aggrieved. Another girl in her class is having only the girls for a craft party. I am furious with the lazy-brained parents who can't see anything wrong with this! I haven't said anything yet to either child's parents, but it's only a matter of time and opportunity!

I think this is a bit unreasonable. I think children should pretty much be able to ask who they like to their own party. My five year old son hasnt invited the whole class - we can't afford it, and 80% are boys, just because that's mainly who he plays with. I think most parties at our school at this age are either boys or girls without loads of mixing, my son rarely gets invited to the parties of girls. But basically nobody takes offence at any party invitations, there is no point.
If you "spoke to me" about not inviting your daughter to my son's party, I would probably laugh in shock, then tell you to mind your own business (sorry!)

My 7 year old daughter had a birthday party the other week and she only invited 3 boys and 20 girls, I'm not gonna force her to invite people she doesn't want to invite it's her birthday

I think there is overthinking going on. I've an elder DD who is a very balanced mix of stetotypical male/female traits and spends equal time with boys and girls.
At 5 my DS was v. boys only/ girls stink.. never played with them. I did think of making him invite girls to his 5th birthday party to meet my feminist credentials - but then I decided that would be bonkers. He's coming up to his 6th now and its easier to talk to him about why it might be unfair to exclude people on gender esp. as he's been to a couple of girl's parties. So this time there will be girls as well.

Op - you sound like a real pain in the arse. Lighten up or your kids probably won't have to worry about parties.

The only time I would step in is if only 1 or 2 children were intentionally excluded. I wouldn't let them invite all the class apart from 1 or 2, but 20/30 would be fine. I probably wouldn't have let them choose 14/15 boys. I think that's a bit mean.

I did think of making him invite girls to his 5th birthday party to meet my feminist credentials - but then I decided that would be bonkers.

Indeed, it would have been. The girls would have been miserable ... that, or you would have had to provide them with extra cake and games to make up for your son's behaviour.

Not a good idea to invite children to a party where the supervising adult is the only one who wants them there.

@LogicalThinking: ... why?

There's about two reasons to exclude one or two people of a large group: a) those people are nasty bulllies or b) the rest of the class bullies them and your child avoids them to not become a target.

Case a) means you'd force your child to have nasty bullies at their birthday party, case b) means you'd force those poor kids to spend time with a group of people who hates them even outside school.

Maybe that's just because I have always be sort of a loner, but I'd rather not be at a party where everyone hates me. Maybe there are people who'd rather be there and miserable than miss it, but ... I don't really see how that could be, except maybe when there's delicious chocolate cake at the party.

Off you go and have a word with the Mum then, OP.

You know you're in the right, and that she'll appreciate the little education you're about to give her - knowing, as you do, her exact reason for hosting the party this way.

I'd tread very lightly, if the parents are having financial issues they shouldn't have to tell you. You could always just speak to them and ask whether your child can come, perhaps offer to pay and you should be ae to tell what is behind it from there.

As harsh as this may sound and I do not believe in gender stereotyping there may be the boy wanted all boys and you need to explain to your daughter that this may very well happen again. Also explain it could be the opposite. If you go in all guns blazing about gender and it's not, you're going to have to explain it to her anyway. If she can't go that day, organise a kick around the park with her and some of her friends so she knew girls can play too.

So lets say I am the birthday child's parent, after a year (or less) at school you don't know me or my situation. I would like to give my son a party but there is no way I can afford a whole class one. So I make it single sex ( and even then we are pushing it). This is not about YOU and YOUR child this is about MY child and his birthday.

You have many many years of birthdays throughout school. Should I have felt snubbed that once the girls get to 7/8 they only want girls and not stinky smelly boys?

I think its a bit unreasonable to expect every parent to do a whole class party, I would never assume that my child should be invited to any party. Neither would I expect my child to be invited to someones party just because they were invited to our party.

The only people that get to have a say in who's invited are the birthday child and the person who's paying for the party - the reasoning behind any of those decisions is private and interrogating either of them about it is only going to get you marked down as one of 'those' mums.

The 'boys only' reason came from a child, not the parent. I wouldn't expect anything more tactful than that reason from a small child either, he is not gender stereotyping or being sexist; he is a child. Kids are tactless and they simplify things. If the parent has set a limit to numbers, and that boy has chosen all his close friends, which just happen to be boys there really is no reason to get upset. They're kids, they choose their friends not us. As much as we'd love our kids to come home with a even mix of friends reality is often different.

Kids will bring us years of awkward social situations, they will upset each other on a daily basis, as parents we just need to rise above it all and not get involved or it will drive us mad (and make us the mums that other parents cross the playground to avoid).

"Lazy brained" is such a good phrase for it! I once did an all-girls party for DD when she was YR - massively regretted it after the invites had gone, she loved playing with boys I don't know what on earth I was thinking!
Since then she's been to all kinds of parties - superhero, football, miniature golf, karaoke, bowling, pizza-making, driving, jewellery-making etc. I haven't noticed any single-sex ones. I suppose it's different if they genuinely only have friends of one sex but if the parents had decided to segregate by gender I'd be a bit I wouldn't talk to them about it though, some things you can't raise easily without it turning into a fight.

"lazy brained" or not it is surely up to the individual family ( parents or child) who goes to their birthday party. After all it is THEIR party. this expectation and entitlement to dictate what others do is just plain weird. If you don't think that way fine when it is time for your child's party then do it your way

If my kids wanted to only invite boys or only girls to their party then that is entirely up to them! My DD is having a sleepover party this weekend and we have only invited the girls, if a parent had anything to say about it I would tell them exactly where they could stick their advice!!!
It's all very well saying it doesn't cost much more inviting everyone but if you have 20+ in a class party bags alone can be another £30-50 the extra food adds to that, no one knows other peoples financial situation so don't judge people for having a smaller party. Also who you invite to your kids parties doesn't guarantee you an invite to theirs!

Bloody hell, just read some of the earlier responses! So many sexist stereotypes here. DD is far more boisterous than DS and much more likely to climb on furniture / shout / run around a garden. DNephew is the most likely in our family to sit nicely and make arts & crafts. No wonder kids pick up sexist views if parents are saying things like this.

My DD had a girls only party in reception. She wanted a soft play party with 9 of her friends, it was her choice who to invite and she didn't want a whole class party, she wanted a soft play and frankly it's not anyone's business who gets invited to my children's parties, I pay for them, no one else.

I agree

Maybe they can't afford to invite the whole class...

No wonder kids pick up sexist views if parents are saying things like this.

Exactly. And given the responses on this thread, I'm sure there are some parents who, when faced with their DS wanting to invite one girl to a football party, or their DD inviting one boy to a pamper party, will dissuade or even downright lie to their DS to avoid it happening.

I do wonder whether it partly depends on whether the birthday DC has an opposite sex sibling, though? If DCs in your own household don't conform to gender stereotypes (which is less likely if there are toys/activities targeted at both genders in the house) then you're more open to the idea that the girls in the class will be fine with a football party.

Having a boy now in year 7 I have found that the first few years in primary were mixed though not always then from the age of 8 or so it became very single sexed. I am told that will probably continue until the age of 14 or so. By 15 they become a bit more mixed again ( though more complicated I am sure :) )

DS has been to 5 parties since starting secondary and out of those 4 have been single sex and the other one was a whole year (200 11/12 year olds) and was raising money for a charity.

I suppose what I am saying is that when your DD is 9/10/11 etc and only wants the girls will it still be unfair then?

there was an interesting study when they dressed a boy baby as a girl and a girl as a boy and put them in two separate rooms. Men and women were told to play with them. Both reached for the cars and played with construction toys with the baby dressed as a boy. Babies were about 12 months old I think. Conditioning starts pretty young. I just think that parents should be aware that a lot of development is nurture.

A good friend of mine told me his seriously feminist mum had brought him up with girls toys in the house and took him and his brother to ballet and riding lessons, he became horse mad, rode at a competitive level, near Olympic standard etc. It ensured that as a teenager he had a really wide circle of female friends. When in contrast his football mad mates who had few or none! Mums and dads aren't really helping their boys by narrowing their friendship circles.

It's only us oddballs who make a difference.
Just believing in equality and having the occaisional moan won't change the world.

pretty

The overlap was amongst boys AND girls. And here's a conundrum for you. The one boy who enjoys crafty stuff more than any of the others (and even so not that much) is the son of .... two dads. Now what?

I think this is a false argument based on a false premise, namely that ALL children should be treated the same. That's just bollocks. It's an undeniable fact of life that many many boys prefer playing with guns and trucks and cars than dressing up as princesses and doing glittery crafts. And vice versa. Why is this such a difficult thing for people to accept? It's an undeniable fact of life that women have periods and wombs and can have babies, and that boys have more testosterone than girls and have penises and testicles. There's no better or worse in any of this. For cost and logistical reasons I have to draw the line somewhere, I can't cherry pick as (1) I don't have the time (2) it's such a minefield, I could well end up causing offence in other ways (see above mentioned boy) (3) it's just not that big a deal. All 20 kids spend more time with each other over he course of the week than I spend with my DD. they mix quite enough as it is. This is one 1.5hr birthday party per year (ok, x 10 if you count all the girls' parties). Do the sums. It's really not worth getting het up over.

Both my ds' have been the only boys at various parties - cake decorating, Good Kitty, princesses and pirates (ds1 was the only pirate), Pocahontas (ds2 went as spiderman). When parents have asked if they'll be OK I've said they'd far rather have the invitation and decide for themselves if they want to go than be left out. So far they've always gone and always had a good time. It's really hurtful if a good friend excludes you on the basis of gender.

" I just think that parents should be aware that a lot of development is nurture."

I expect a lot of parents are.

You seem to be saying that these parents should have had the same kind of party as you ie an all class bouncy castle.

A football party often involves one or two organisers and a venue hire, so it may well be charged by the child, unlike a bouncy castle. Round here, bowling parties are about £13 a head (including party food, shoe hire etc). A definite cost difference between 15 and 30 guests.