Taking DH's surname after 8 years of marriage

[5by5]

I have been mulling over changing my name recently. I didn't change my name when I married for feminist reasons and for weirdness reasons - I found/find the idea of changing your name strange, it must be an odd process to go through.

However, there are a few reasons why I'm thinking of doing it now...

1. I am now NC with my parents and sometimes I don't like this tie I still have to them. I feel much more like DH's family are my family now.

2. We are moving overseas, a fresh start, seems like a good time to do it if I was to do it.

3. My name needs spelling out or people don't get it right. This is trivial.

4. DCs have DH's surname, though my name as a middle name. The more I refer to friends and family groups as 'the So-and-Sos' the more I'd like us to be 'the DHsurnames'. This is also trivial.

Reasons against would be:

1. Moving overseas will be a testing time for our relationship. I fully believe we are strong enough for it to be a great adventure for all of us, but I'd be a fool if I didn't consider the idea that it might all go wrong, and while changing my name back would be a minor point in what I'd be dealing with if it did, it seems like it would be salt in the wound.

2. Still feminist reasons.

What do you think? I haven't mentioned this to DH at all.

How can it possibly be a feminist choice to give up your own name and take a man's? Could you explain to me?

Because for me the point of feminism is being able to choose what you want to do with your name.

I understand that. But how does a feminist explain why she gives up her name and takes a man's name on marriage?

I did it because I wanted to, and these days I can thankfully choose to keep my name or take my husbands. Thankfully we can do that now. Your opinion may differ or you may not understand, but that doesn't mean I am wrong. You may believe it's surrender or ownership or whatever you think. I don't think about it that deeply, I just think it's a choice situation and these days we can choose. Which is great. There isn't one size fits all when it comes to feminism, for me. Then again, I don't see it as a negative thing to want to have my husbands name. It was one of the things I was really looking forward to when I got married. I still like seeing Mrs Husbandsname now.

So you didn't think about it deeply- you just went along with convention. Now that really is an anti feminist thing to do!

And before you say anything- please notice that I am not saying you're not a feminist. I'm just saying that on this occasion, as we all do sometimes, you made an anti feminist choice.

But its a given name its your fathers or mothers name it was given to you, and married women can chose to take their husbands name, a womans identity isnt stolen from her because she is mrshusband. What would you think of future daughter in laws if they changed their name to your sons ? Would you think they were not truly feminist

Its not convention these days its tradition imo

" What would you think of future daughter in laws if they changed their name to your sons ? Would you think they were not truly feminist"

I would think that they were making a non feminist choice and I would be disappointed.

Wow really thats harsh poor non existing yet dil.

Feminism isn't only about having a choice. Obviously having the choice is a good thing, which has come about because of feminism, but that doesn't mean that all choices are necessarily feminist.

A person can choose to do whatever they want, but if they choose to go along with the existing patriarchal traditions, that's fine, but it's not a feminist choice.

Women now empowered by everything a woman does

"Wow really thats harsh poor non existing yet dil."

Harsh? To be disappointed?

I sort of see what Bertrand is saying - I don't think it's a feminist act to take your husband's name on marriage. The fact that we can choose whether or not to do so is indeed a triumph of feminism, and I don't think taking the man's name makes you a bad or lesser feminist, but I see it as a bit like shaving my legs (which I do, regularly) or spending more than my husband on clothes and grooming. These things don't make me not a feminist, but they are not feminist acts, despite the fact that I, a feminist, am doing them.

FWIW I kept my name primarily because I'm a lazy sod and couldn't be faffed with changing it on things. Also because I'm the last of my line, so it dies with me and I got a bit romancey about that, despite it being my asshole dad's name anyway. Basically DGAF what anyone does, though I do draw the line at 'Mr and Mrs Husbands-first-name Husbands-second-name' and think less of anyone who pulls that crap on me.

I'm a feminist. DH is a feminist. We got married and I chose to change my name. Because I can. I don't think that's anti-feminist.

Funnily enough my married name is v similar to my grandmothers name so I'd always been a 1/4 'Newname' anyway. I do think that prob contributed to me changing to it, because it reminds me of her.

But I'm really not wrapped up in people knowing my achievements etc. I don't have a phd and really my surname is nothing more than a postcode type of function. I still smell as sweet

Oh, yes, what 5by5 said, but more succintly than me!

"I'm a feminist. DH is a feminist. We got married and I chose to change my name. Because I can. I don't think that's anti-feminist"

Can you explain how it isn't an anti feminist act to give you your own name and take the name of the man you marry? I really don't understand.

I can't easily explain but fwiw here are some ramblings...

it wasn't anti-feminist because

I helped myself to a new name. My choice. I wasn't told/made to do it, I wasn't doing what a man said I should.

And maybe, although I have't thought this through:

Getting married gave us both equal legal/financial status. Having matching names indicates we are married and therefore indicates we are of equal status.

But also there is the fact that I did what I wanted to do and don't care what others do, or what they think about it.

I kept my name when I got married; DH wasn't happy at first, said he wanted us all to have the same name, but when I asked him how he would feel about changing his he went a bit pale and said, "But it's my NAME!" to which I responded, "Well, there you go then! This is MY name." (And it's not my Dad's either...it's mine)

He's now fairly vocal about name changing and whenever his freinds are getting married he advises the female half to keep her own name (I try telling him to shut up and mind his own business, but he means well.)

I know quite a few women who regret changing. I know a few who change when they didn't want to because their new husbands got arsey about it. I tihnk people should do what they want, but because they really want to and it's shouldn't be an unexamined choice.

I've never had the same name as my Mum; she never married my Dad and took my step-dad's later on. I don't have the same name as two of my siblings. It's never been an issue, I am utterly unbothered by it. DS know I have a different name and doesn't seem to to care much.

Why did I give DS his father's name and not mine? Well partly because I didn't really think about it at the time and partly because his is genuinely nicer. His first name is a traditional family name from my side, so I feel like I got my stake in there somewhere. I don't regret doing that, but I do regret not thinking about it properly first.

I didn't change my name when I married and the dc are hisname-myname. We're often, as a family, known by a portmanteau by friends, the first letter of his name and the last three of mine.

However, one thing I don't think anyone has asked, is how the OP's DH feels about the possibility of her changing her name? I know my DH would be worried that I was sickening for something if I wanted to drop my name and change to his. He'd wonder if the principles that in part loves me for were changing. Obviously it isn't his decision, but he is affected by it. OP: might be something to discuss with your DH?

There is nothing to stop you using both names at the same time. You can be both MsHusband and MsMaiden perfectly legally. You do need to decide which one you want to use for passport & driving license but you can have bank accounts and household bills in both. So you can switch back and forth very easily. As long as you don't use different names to attempt to defraud or mislead then there is no problem.

But if you are a feminist, why would you want to be?
By that logic, if you are a feminist you HAVE to keep your own name so it removes a woman's choice.
What surname should children be given then?
I don't think I am anti-feminist to want me, my DH and kids to all have the same surname - we are a family unit.

Children have to have someone's surname- I suppose it would be nicer if it was more socially acceptable for that name to be the mother's but essentially it has to be one or the other, (double barrelled surnames are naff imo).
I want the same name as my children, I wasn't that bothered about keeping my surname so I took my husband's for an easy life, but I can't deny that the act of taking his name is steeped in patriarchy and I really couldn't be arsed with all the raised eyebrows if I insisted on the kids taking mine.

Why are hyphenated names "naff"?

I just think they sound pretentious, and what happens to the next generation? Triple barrelled names?

"But if you are a feminist, why would you want to be?
By that logic, if you are a feminist you HAVE to keep your own name so it removes a woman's choice."

That's why it's too simplistic to say that feminism is just about choice. There are lots of choices a woman could make that would be profoundly anti feminist.

I'd have loved to create a portmanteau name for us all. Some friends of mine did that and it worked really well. However, one way round is ridiculous and the other way round is a rude word :) so it wasn't possible.

I'm not sure how DH would react. Part of me thinks he'd quite like the idea, which is why I don't want to mention it to him unless I was sure I wanted to do it.

I'm veering away from the idea now.

So I guess the feminist way of doing things would be to keep your name AND give your children your surname also?