Taking DH's surname after 8 years of marriage

[5by5]

I have been mulling over changing my name recently. I didn't change my name when I married for feminist reasons and for weirdness reasons - I found/find the idea of changing your name strange, it must be an odd process to go through.

However, there are a few reasons why I'm thinking of doing it now...

1. I am now NC with my parents and sometimes I don't like this tie I still have to them. I feel much more like DH's family are my family now.
   
   
2. We are moving overseas, a fresh start, seems like a good time to do it if I was to do it.
   
   
3. My name needs spelling out or people don't get it right. This is trivial.
   
   
4. DCs have DH's surname, though my name as a middle name. The more I refer to friends and family groups as 'the So-and-Sos' the more I'd like us to be 'the DHsurnames'. This is also trivial.
   
   Reasons against would be:
   
   
5. Moving overseas will be a testing time for our relationship. I fully believe we are strong enough for it to be a great adventure for all of us, but I'd be a fool if I didn't consider the idea that it might all go wrong, and while changing my name back would be a minor point in what I'd be dealing with if it did, it seems like it would be salt in the wound.
   
   
6. Still feminist reasons.
   
   
   What do you think? I haven't mentioned this to DH at all.

[AmeliaNeedsHelp]

I'm getting married soon and I'm changing my name. I'm well aware it's not a feminist choice, but I'm certainly not doing it "because that's the way things are".

And our wedding is definitely about me and DP - my mum hasn't even hinted that it's her 'big day'. She's already had her wedding and this one is all about me and DP.

Then again, this idea that women want daughters because of dresses etc seems nonsense to me. My mum never particularly wanted me (or my sisters) to be in dresses and is at least as close to my brother as she is to me and my sisters. What an odd idea that only daughters would be 'friends for life' with their mums.

[RobinsonsSquash]

Amelia, how do you know you're not doing it because that's the way things are? That's a genuine question.

If there weren't a long-standing tradition of women changing their names, would it occur to anyone to do so? Why would it?

Is it possible to make a wholly independent choice on this issue and others like it? I'm not sure it is.

[Mehitabel6]

I didn't think BR said anything unpleasant- it is no different to what she a,ways posts.
I can't see that mentioning my experience of militant feminists not sorting their own DHs out is unpleasant. I just resent being told what to do by a woman who can't buy a cheap dress in a sale without asking her DHs permission- or being surprised that I should tell a man he is being silly! She needs to get her own life sorted first.

I haven't a girl but certainly I wouldn't expect a 'best friend for life' or be thinking of her wedding day! I was merely pointing out that that is what happens on MN when women are deeply disappointed not to have a girl.
Since it is going to be 50/50 I think it is mad to even assume a preference.

However I am not going to be mean and difficult 5by5 - if the bride's mother wants 'her' day I am quite happy to say 'that's the way things are'- it doesn't bother me.

I really don't get the calling Amy, Clara post.
People decide on their name and you call them by it. You don't argue about it or get them to justify it.

If I kept my first surname I expect people to use it, if I changed it I expect people to use it.
It is only online that people go around telling you what you should do. No one has ever broached it in RL.

[Mehitabel6]

I agree that it is a very strange way to think about DDs Mrsjayy - it would never have occurred to me - it is where MN educated me to what so many women actually think. Threads every few months about gender disappointment where someone wanted a girl and didn't get one- joined by many who think the same and just a few posters who refuse to stereotype.

[thatstoast]

It is only online that people go around telling you what you should do. No one has ever broached it in RL.

Do you mean nobody in real life has said you should have kept your name? Quite a few people have commented that I should have changed mine to my husband's. Quite a few people call me by my husband's name anyway. I haven't been invited to a wedding since I got married but I like to gatecrash and take up Mrs DHname's spot.

[Mehitabel6]

No - I expect they think, like me, that it is personal choice and none of their business.
I would think it very rude to comment either way.

( However I accept, having read MN, that some people come across rude people all the time who ask why they have no children, why they don't send their children to school etc etc- maybe I am just lucky).

[Mehitabel6]

I know plenty who haven't changed, some who have kept exDH name when married to new DH, some who insist on Ms, some who go back to first name after divorce, even some who just go back to first name after some years and a rethink, those who double barrel it, and even a couple who invented a new one.Also several who completely changed their first name because they hated their parent's choice. I just 'go with the flow' - it is completely up to them- a personal decision.