Taking DH's surname after 8 years of marriage

[5by5]

I have been mulling over changing my name recently. I didn't change my name when I married for feminist reasons and for weirdness reasons - I found/find the idea of changing your name strange, it must be an odd process to go through.

However, there are a few reasons why I'm thinking of doing it now...

1. I am now NC with my parents and sometimes I don't like this tie I still have to them. I feel much more like DH's family are my family now.

2. We are moving overseas, a fresh start, seems like a good time to do it if I was to do it.

3. My name needs spelling out or people don't get it right. This is trivial.

4. DCs have DH's surname, though my name as a middle name. The more I refer to friends and family groups as 'the So-and-Sos' the more I'd like us to be 'the DHsurnames'. This is also trivial.

Reasons against would be:

1. Moving overseas will be a testing time for our relationship. I fully believe we are strong enough for it to be a great adventure for all of us, but I'd be a fool if I didn't consider the idea that it might all go wrong, and while changing my name back would be a minor point in what I'd be dealing with if it did, it seems like it would be salt in the wound.

2. Still feminist reasons.

What do you think? I haven't mentioned this to DH at all.

Actually my DH has a very simple (4 letter) surname but it sounds like a number of others, if you see what I mean. So I still have to spell that out every time so it doesn't get written down with the wrong first letter. Lots of people have to clarify their surnames - is it Cook or Cooke, is it Bartlet or Bartlett. That's just how it goes!

I dont get that either why are the children not mumsname ?

For me, it was because dc had to have a name, it was a straight choice between mine or DH's, I didn't feel either of us had a greater claim, and I either didn't care enough or didn't have enough fight in me to challenge patriarchal norms.

Fair enough was just wondering really.

You can still be a feminist and be mrshusband

Not on here you can't

30 years ago I kept my name. Not because I'm a feminist particularly, but it was MY name!

Children arrived several years later and took DH's name. We are collectively known as 'the J', as in DH's name. I don't get upset when people (School, Doctors etc.) call me Mrs. J, but I still use my own name for most things.

However, in your shoes, and your complete change in circumstances and family relationships, I would seriously consider changing, as it will give you a new start.

"You can still be a feminist and be mrshusband

You can. But if you are a feminist, why would you want to be?

Soo women who have their husbands surname are not really feminist are you only hardcore if you are ms surname, thats a bit silly

We both double barrelled as we knew we both wanted to have the same name as our children when we had them (we do now).

It's a shame it is viewed as tacky but it was a feminist issue for me. My husband is the only man I actually know who has added his wife's name though- in our social circles the woman seems to always drop her surname

My kids both started out with DP's name (DS1 because it alliterated, DS2 because I thought DS1 would feel left out if I gave DS2 my name). A year later I was having such regret that I spoke to DS1, who didn't care, and changed DS2's name to match mine (and now he alliterates too - if you mis-pronounce my name a bit)

We are the Chunky-Pickles if we need a family descriptor, most people are interested that we did it, and think it's cute (except for the immigration desk at Heathrow who clearly felt we were trouble-makers ;) )

Actually I don't mind to be collectively called the DHsurname. But it's still my name. It's not about whether children have my name at all. I have a PhD and published papers in my name. Another poster has already mentioned the digital trail (LinkedIn, email address etc). I don't want to put that in the past. Is it really that hard to see how a name is associated with an identity and achievement. I think that's the feminist issue of not changing. Because I'm still who I am after I married. It's not about passing on the surname. The children has to have a name and I don't really care they are mine or their daddies.

However since mine is a foreign name, it might be better for them to have their dad's common English name.

I do not see how surrendering your name to your husband's can ever be a feminist choice.

*"You can still be a feminist and be mrshusband

You can. But if you are a feminist, why would you want to be?*

Because that is what a feminist is all about, being able to have the freedom of choice to call yourself whatever you want. Correct me if I'm wrong? Which I am sure I will be as always according to you.

"Which I am sure I will be as always according to you."

Sorry- I have no idea what you mean.

Exactly HeadDreamer - if you've already got all this stuff trailing behind you, then changing names is a huge sacrifice.

"Because that is what a feminist is all about, being able to have the freedom of choice to call yourself whatever you want."

Among other things, yes. But my question was, why would a feminist choose to do something that was anti feminist? I'm not disputing that she could make that choice. It's the "why" we're talking about.

Couldn't you use both names? A friend of mine uses her own surname in her profession (more practical than feminist as she was establishing herself)and socially she uses husbands surname as that's the surname her children are known by

Personally, I am completely unburdened by any great achievements in life , and I'm not terribly keen on people I went to school with finding me on facebook.

I am fairly attached to my email address though...

I'd a friend years ago who was very close to her mother but her father was a weak flawed man who'd let her down repeatedly. her husband was a totally different kind of character. She didn't get married until her late thirties and she took her husband's name. She would probably be a feminist, but given that the system is stick with your father's name or take your husband's name (and they're both male) I think in your circumstances it makes sense.

But whatever you decide, it'll be fine. I have a different sur name from my children and it's never been a problem. It was the weirdest in the very early years when I was still with their father. Now I'm used to it.

bertrandrussell I can think of a reason. It's not always a theoretical ideology. My father is a much better man than my children's father and I have his name. But if it were the other way around, I could allow personal reasons to trump an ideology that I otherwise supported. Surely?

I could take my mother's name but that's still her father's

Under the current system in the UK everybody's name is their father's. It only seems to be significant when we're talking about women............

I Took dh name , am married 18 yrs & have 4 kids .

I've never liked my new name & am going to change it back on my passport & drivers licence this
yr (I turn 40) .I kept my own name on social media & bank.
People know me as both so It won't be a big deal.

My commitment to my family isn't less because I don't use their name.
My Dh likes my name & has no problem with it.

I'm also non contact with my dad but that doesn't stop me feeling more like me using his name.
I like the idea of using my mothers or grandmothers names but that's very complicated.....

Good luck with your choice ....

No. It's her name. Just as it was his name. This argument has already been addressed upthread.

Among other things, yes. But my question was, why would a feminist choose to do something that was anti feminist? I'm not disputing that she could make that choice. It's the "why" we're talking about.

It may be anti feminist for you but it isn't for me and others. I'm glad I can call myself whatever I want.