Taking DH's surname after 8 years of marriage

[5by5]

I have been mulling over changing my name recently. I didn't change my name when I married for feminist reasons and for weirdness reasons - I found/find the idea of changing your name strange, it must be an odd process to go through.

However, there are a few reasons why I'm thinking of doing it now...

1. I am now NC with my parents and sometimes I don't like this tie I still have to them. I feel much more like DH's family are my family now.

2. We are moving overseas, a fresh start, seems like a good time to do it if I was to do it.

3. My name needs spelling out or people don't get it right. This is trivial.

4. DCs have DH's surname, though my name as a middle name. The more I refer to friends and family groups as 'the So-and-Sos' the more I'd like us to be 'the DHsurnames'. This is also trivial.

Reasons against would be:

1. Moving overseas will be a testing time for our relationship. I fully believe we are strong enough for it to be a great adventure for all of us, but I'd be a fool if I didn't consider the idea that it might all go wrong, and while changing my name back would be a minor point in what I'd be dealing with if it did, it seems like it would be salt in the wound.

2. Still feminist reasons.

What do you think? I haven't mentioned this to DH at all.

"it is just the way things are."

Yes, things are the way things are, and don't anyone go thinking about anything too deeply now, you don't want to end up considering ways in which things might be different, or even, god forbid, better, than the way things are. You might have to deal with change...

It is just the way things are with the bride's mother . I am secure enough to not begrudge that and happy to take second place. You seem to have quoted me very selectively!

Since DS was left a baby with no father, no siblings, no cousins no pets I was pleased that he had a mother with the same name- and I got a dog. Luckily he acquired the rest eventually.

Everyone I know has changed their name on marriage. I did when I got married in my early twenties. I was so keen to do the whole thing 'properly'. This meant doing everything the way my large extended family would expect including big church wedding and becoming Mrs DHSurname. I was depressingly proud that someone wanted to marry me.

A (ahem) few years later I'm now divorced with one DC and an established career. I've become a feminist and when I started dating again took the revolutionary (to me!) step of thinking about what I would like in a partner rather than being grateful for any attention.

I'm getting married again next year and will not be changing my name. This is definitely causing some raised eyebrows from every single person I know. DP would like me to take his name. He hates that I'm keeping XH's name. Don't think he would object so much if it was my maiden name. But he knows it's not his decision and that his feelings on this are completely rooted in what other people would think and are therefore unreasonable.

I wish I never changed it in the first place (aside from anything else the hassle was unbelievable - never realised how many things had my name on until I wanted to change them).

Sorry, that was a bit epic

I know I quoted you selectively, but Yonic asked you to consider why the wedding is a bigger deal for the bride and her mother, and your response was 'it's just the way things are'. Anyone who can come out with that in response to a simple request to think, is going to be pretty resistant to other ideas that challenge their world view.

Not an epic Anne :) It has made me think actually. I mentioned earlier in the thread that I haven't achieved anything in my name so I'm not too attached in that respect, but I would like to achieve things in the future (a career, hopefully), and the idea that I would be doing that with DH's surname and then could struggle with exactly your problem is worrying.

But why can't the bride's mother have her 'big' day? Why change it?
It is a bit mean of me to change things because I am the groom's mother!
If I want to change them, I change them.
DIL has changed her name and she is in her 20s. It was a considered decision. She comes from a long line of strong women- as I do - so had nothing to prove. I really don't see that it has anything to do with me or anyone else what she decides, it was up to her.

What I think your case highlights is how noone really thinks a married woman's name is really her name. Fair enough, you're 'allowed' to keep your ex's name if you divorce, but if you remarry, it's considered some kind of insult to your new DH if you keep your exH's name - it's not your name, it's his.

I hope your DP comes round to it. It sounds like intellectually he understands, which is a start.

All the women on here who want girls generally want pretty dresses, someone to go shopping with, a best friend for life and a lovely mother of the bride day!
I always point out that having a girl doesn't guarantee any of that! However there will be another thread soon about 'gender disappointment' and you can be sure the disappointment was the boy!

An individual's decision has nothing to do with anyone, but that shouldn't - and won't - stop people questioning the practice as a whole.

I always point out that having a girl doesn't guarantee any of that!

Yes. Exactly. So it's not 'just the way things are', is it?

Maybe the question we ought to be asking is whether we think that the personal is political.

It seems to me that one of the reasons that "the patriarchy" still seems to be going strong, despite legislative change is that our society still runs on convention and tradition. So yes, women can technically do or be anything they want to be- but there is the unspoken understanding that they will maintain their traditional role as well. As my brother put it, no woman in the history of the world has ever called dowwnstairs from the bedroom "Darling, have I got any clean pants?" (Extreme, I know- don't all pile in saying well my man doesn't do that. It's the principle).

And all the little things that maintain the status quo. Little "it's just the way it is" things. Like women's names being less important than men's. Like telling boys not to "run like a girl". Like "unisex" usually meaning "like a boy". And so on. Insert triviality of choice. You can find hundreds in AIBU- women tentatively questioning things Nd being told not to "overthink"

I'll back overthinking against underthinking any day!

I think with DP it stems from insecurity as well. He knows he has a big issue with this (mainly from upbringing) but his first instinct is to think I'm not taking his name because he's not good enough.

He's had counselling for this insecurity before we got together and does realise it's his problem and not something I should be expected to pander to.

Surprising how many share this view though. I get a lot of "well I was PROUD to be married to my husband and wanted to change my name". It's as though I'm basically telling him 'fuck you' because I don't want to change mine.

Try to point out that I think DP and I are both pretty great people and what I'm proud of is that we're committing to marry EACH OTHER. All of which is not improved or diminished by what names we have.

People in my life get very confrontational about this. I am called upon to defend it quite a bit by friends, family and colleagues.

"If you are an independent woman you don't have to concern yourself with trivialities. The most ardent feminists I know are 2 women I know who haven't got their own lives sorted- they need to assert themselves with their own DHs rather than get militant about women in general."

This from you, Mehitabel, is considerably more unpleasant than anything BR has posted.

And I did of course mean "root of" not "route if" above. Must not post before coffee!

And names aren't trivial. If I started deliberately calling you Amy when your real name is Clara, Mehitabel, that would be pretty aggressive of me.

'It's just the way it is' and 'you're overthinking' and phrases like it are usually shorthand for 'thinking about this makes me uncomfortable and I don't like being uncomfortable.'

"This from you, Mehitabel, is considerably more unpleasant than anything BR has posted"

Excuse me? Can you direct me to my "unpleasant" posts, please?

BR, as I explained above, I think calling this decision anti feminist is too "extreme" and is therefore a little unpleasant. Your mileage varies, obviously.

However, those taking umbrage with you on that should also do so to a greater extent with Mehitabel's language.

Oh, one of those "I don't agree with you" = "you are being unpleasant" situations. Fair enough.

Has anyone had any thoughts about the personal/political thing? It does seem to me to be increasingly important as the legislative bars to women's progress come down.

Well I think in the personal/political things have gone backward since the 1970s. In the 70s women were legally allowed to be paid less, but no-one commented when my boy cousins had "dolls" and pushed them in prams.
In the 90s I got a lot of comments when my DS had a doll in a buggy, but equal pay was supposed to be legislated for.

Lots of women when my DC went to school said how their DH would find it "difficult to have a female boss". Fortunately my DH had no such issue, and has had several despite working in a male dominated area.

I was shocked that of my nieces, who would all describe themselves as "feminist" only one kept her name on marriage, and at least one was urged to by her husband.

If you say so, BR.

I agree that the personal is political. Why is it a bigger deal to be the MOB than the MOG? For both mothers, the day symbolises their offspring committing to someone they love, someone that will help make then happy, maybe co parent with them if kids are on the cards etc. Both probably pick an outfit with care. Ultimately the day is about their children, not them. So why a perceived difference?

Has anyone had any thoughts about the personal/political thing?

Yes- I didn't mention it as it's so obvious! It's a text book example if you wanted to explain the concept.

I have girls i didnt want pretty dresses and shopping days and a friend for life they are my daughters not my friends and when dd1 gets married its her and her fiances day not mine what a strange way to think about mums and daughters.