Taking DH's surname after 8 years of marriage

[5by5]

I have been mulling over changing my name recently. I didn't change my name when I married for feminist reasons and for weirdness reasons - I found/find the idea of changing your name strange, it must be an odd process to go through.

However, there are a few reasons why I'm thinking of doing it now...

1. I am now NC with my parents and sometimes I don't like this tie I still have to them. I feel much more like DH's family are my family now.

2. We are moving overseas, a fresh start, seems like a good time to do it if I was to do it.

3. My name needs spelling out or people don't get it right. This is trivial.

4. DCs have DH's surname, though my name as a middle name. The more I refer to friends and family groups as 'the So-and-Sos' the more I'd like us to be 'the DHsurnames'. This is also trivial.

Reasons against would be:

1. Moving overseas will be a testing time for our relationship. I fully believe we are strong enough for it to be a great adventure for all of us, but I'd be a fool if I didn't consider the idea that it might all go wrong, and while changing my name back would be a minor point in what I'd be dealing with if it did, it seems like it would be salt in the wound.

2. Still feminist reasons.

What do you think? I haven't mentioned this to DH at all.

*So you didn't think about it deeply- you just went along with convention. Now that really is an anti feminist thing to do!

And before you say anything- please notice that I am not saying you're not a feminist. I'm just saying that on this occasion, as we all do sometimes, you made an anti feminist choice.*

No, I didnt go along with convention, I made a choice. I still made a feminist choice. That's the point. We are able to choose these days and that's what I chose. This isn't about who is the most feminist, that's a bit cringey.

"So I guess the feminist way of doing things would be to keep your name AND give your children your surname also?"

No- that would be very unfair. it seems to me that the feminist way would be for either both parents to keep their names and either hyphenate or create a new name for the children, or to create a new name for the whole family. I also know people who have one name for the girls and the other for the boys.

"No, I didnt go along with convention, I made a choice. I still made a feminist choice. That's the point. We are able to choose these days and that's what I chose."

So is any choice you make a feminist one? Whatever it is?

So is any choice you make a feminist one? Whatever it is?

Yes, because these days I can choose. Years and years ago you had to do this or that.

Hmm see I don't think there is anything anti-feminist with wanting a family unit to have the same name, for unity and purely for practical reasons!

You can't blanket tar people's choices about this as "anti feminist". There are myriad motivations behind what people choose to do. What about if I chose to take my husband's name as I wanted our family to have the same surname and I didn't particularly like my name or feel attached to it?

Many people attach as much importance to a family sharing a surname as you do about NOT sharing one!

Wow. So if you made a choice, for example, to pay a woman employee less than a man that would be a feminist choice? To help your son go to university but not your daughter because "she'll only get married- no point educating girls"? To insist that your dds do housework but not your dss? All feminist choices?

"Hmm see I don't think there is anything anti-feminist with wanting a family unit to have the same name, for unity and purely for practical reasons!"

Of course there isn't. But why the man's name?

Surely it depends on your motivation then? Like I said earlier, if I am happy with losing my surname because I don't like it then so what?

Of course there isn't. But why the man's name?

But when I suggested the family take the woman's name then you suggested that was unfair also?! And if you choose double barrelled names then someone down the line is going to have to compromise unless you want a quadruple barrelled surname, I guess it's just one of the many compromises you have to make in a marriage that you should agree on as a partnership.

Because all of these things perpetuate old fashioned attitudes to women- it really is up to us to challenge the patriarchal mindset. Otherwise it'll never change. While there is the assumption that in this area the man is the most important element of a family and therefore all must have his name then that keeps a little bit of that mindset propped up.

"Of course there isn't. But why the man's name?

But when I suggested the family take the woman's name then you suggested that was unfair also?! And if you choose double barrelled names then someone down the line is going to have to compromise unless you want a quadruple barrelled surname"

Well, I suppose if the man was happy for the family to take the woman's name then that would be OK, I suppose. I just meant that I didn't think the feminist choice would be to impose the woman's name on the man.

Hyphenated names? My children have them and I expect that they will make their own choices when they come to have children. What happens in cultures where this is normal is one element is dropped and another added.

Yep and I agree with you that there IS a presumption there, it would be great if in 20 years or so that choosing a surname for your family was just another decision you make as a couple like choosing a name for your first baby, something you both discuss and try and agree on without any pre-conceived ideas about the way things "should" be done.
And I guess by taking my husband's name I've not really helped to achieve this, I guess I just wasn't that bothered! but I don't think double barrelled names are the answer either.

And if your kids decide to drop your bit of their surname, will you consider that "anti feminist"?

I think men and women grow up with different perspectives on, and attachments to, their surname.

For men in the West, it's an inheritance, something fixed and unchangeable and weighty – a line that connects them back to generations of male Whatevers. They come to embody the House of Whatever, its class position, its ethnic composition, its glories and shames. Surnames have a particular authority for boys. Men, especially the most privileged and successful – public schoolboys, athletes, history makers – are known by their surname alone. Footballers have it written on their shirt. It's possible to leave school without knowing the first names of Gladstone or Gandhi, but not so for Nightingale or Stopes. To some extent, a boy's surname is his brand.

That's not so often the case for girls. We grow up more aware that we're the descendent of lots of different surnames. The role models we're presented with in the mainstream media are often known by their first name, or a nickname: Kylie, Twiggy, Sam Cam, Serena, Hillary. The given name is the part of our name that is sure to be permanent, and also the one that displays our femininity. Surnames are thoroughly coded as masculine, not just linguistically (think of all the Jameses and Johnsons, surnames linked to male labour, surnames ending in -man and -son, etc) but also culturally: if we overhear someone talking about "Smith" or "McTavish", we assume they're talking about men.

In that context, I don't think it follows that the feminist choice is always to keep one's birth name. My attachment to my surname is not significant. I have a hard time accepting that, because men are attached to theirs, so I should be to mine.

I do, however, think it's a feminist choice for men to take the surname of their wife-to-be. The question, in my eyes, should be: why are so few men prepared to do that?

When they get married/have kids I mean.

it seems to me that the feminist way would be for either both parents to keep their names and either hyphenate or create a new name for the children

So Ms Smith and Mr Jones have a child called Miss SmithJones
Miss SmithJones then has a child with Mr BakerWilson and he is called Mr SmithJonesBakerWilson

It all gets a bit ridiculous in an attempt to be fair and equal.
Optional traditions are not automatically anti-feminist, they can just be practical. There are far more important feminist issues that need addressing.

"And if your kids decide to drop your bit of their surname, will you consider that "anti feminist"?"

I suppose It would depend what they replaced it with.

It's unlikely though, because I had the foresight to make sure I am the one with the interesting but short and easy to spell name that does not become a rude word by changing one letter........Unlike the father on my children. Evil

Actually, we have made it clear to them all through their lives that if they want to drop either element of their names it's entirelay up to them and wouldn't be q problem at all. So far they haven't- except DS does only have one bit on particular sports kit because the whole thing is too long to yell.

The feminist thing: when I got married I changed my name from 'my dad's surname' to 'my husband's dad's surname' so didn't really see it as having any feminist point either way. (Although I suppose I changed something and DH didn't.)

The feminist thing = your birth name is yours, not your dad's.

Why are women's identities seen as such temporary things!

So Ms Smith and Mr Jones have a child called Miss SmithJones
Miss SmithJones then has a child with Mr BakerWilson and he is called Mr SmithJonesBakerWilson

Oddly illogical I'd say.

The child can be Smith Wilson, Smith Baker, Wilson Jones etc. etc.
The possibilities are endless. And fair.

You name your own children, I don't get the point of stressing about the names of future generations.

"So is any choice you make a feminist one? Whatever it is?

Yes, because these days I can choose. Years and years ago you had to do this or that."

I thought we'd covered this earlier in the thread, but this is just nonsense.

I'll post my link again. It's more about consumerism and advertising, but I think it has relevance here: Women now empowered by everything a woman does

I cant quote my tablet us playing up. But yes I think its harsh to be dissapointed at any future dils you may have if they used your sons name after marraige would you be dissapointed in your son for marrying a women who didnt hold your views or the woman for not holding your views?

This sums up how I feel.

My DCs have my surname. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Boys grow up with the expectation that they will have the same surname all their lives and their DCs will follow suit.

Why should girls expect any less from life than their male peers?

We wouldn't put up with such an inequality in any other context.

Feminism isn't about choice it's about equality.