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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Ms, Mrs,Miss

520 replies

LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 22:05

Apologies in advance, as I'm sure it has been done to death. But today I realised the truth of why I refer to myself as Mrs even though I'm divorced. My mum is divorced and told me as a child in response to me asking why she is still Mrs that it is so nobody judges her and she looks respectable (not her actual words, but that's what I got from the convo at the age of about ten)

Even as a highly educated professional, I still wanted to hold on to the title post-divorce and I feel pretty... I don't know... angry? Upset? Ashamed? I really don't know. All I know is I don't feel good, and I shall be Ms from now on.

Any thoughts? Is there something else I should be doing?

OP posts:

SylvanianCaracal · 10/08/2015 14:27

I think "Ma'am" is much more common in the US.

ChunkyPickle · 10/08/2015 14:50

And Juliet Bravo (but that shows my age)

SenecaFalls · 10/08/2015 15:30

Uh, oh. I just googled Juliet Bravo. I love police procedurals, especially British police procedurals featuring women. And they are all on Youtube.

NotdeadyetBOING · 10/08/2015 15:34

Why can't all grown up women just be Mrs? Like all grown up men are Mr…. Wouldn't it make life easier??????

VampyreQueen · 10/08/2015 16:11

I will be getting married in two years time. I will be taking Dps name - mainly because I strongly dislike the link between my own surname and my biological father. I will be sticking with Ms as a title because it's no one else's business if I am married or not.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2015 16:23

"My point was that I hated the pronunciation of Ms- and that was from the ones who had been told how to say it."

I do, I have to say, find it baffling that someone can feel so strongly as to use the word "hate" about the sound of "Ms" but be perfectly fine about the sound of "Mrs"...............

YonicScrewdriver · 10/08/2015 17:03

"I also don't understand how the British convention of addressing male teachers as "Sir," but female teachers as "Miss" came about. Surely that is gender discrimination at its finest: the men get an honorific that denotes respect, but the women don't."

I think Miss as used in school does denote respect.

Out of interest, if you need to catch a woman's attention on the street (she's dropped her purse or something) - what do you use?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/08/2015 17:05

Because in years gone buy you had to leave teaching when you married.....

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/08/2015 17:06

I would call a woman "Madam" to attract attention

I have been Mrs for 28 years and proud of it. Not changing now.

YonicScrewdriver · 10/08/2015 17:08

"Because in years gone buy you had to leave teaching when you married....."

That makes sense.

SenecaFalls · 10/08/2015 17:23

Out of interest, if you need to catch a woman's attention on the street (she's dropped her purse or something) - what do you use?

I say "ma'am," but I am American and in the South.

AmeliaNeedsHelp · 10/08/2015 17:55

I'm a teacher and I find that the kids (teenagers actually) seem to consider 'miss' and 'sir' to be equivalent. I'd far rather they were able to call me by my first name tho - using titles and surnames may seem more 'respectful', but it's very superficial.

Mehitabel6 · 10/08/2015 17:58

When I started teaching in 1970s primary school we were all called 'ma'am' in my first job. That seemed really weird as a 21yr old.

YonicScrewdriver · 10/08/2015 18:05

I think they are equivalent in a school because the pupils have been taught them as such (unless the school uses Mr Jones etc instead)
I don't think pupils should use teacher's first names, personally.

grimbletart · 10/08/2015 18:30

Anotherspace: may I ask why you are proud of being Mrs? I have been Mrs too (for 49 years now) but I have never been proud of it, any more than I would be proud of being Ms or Miss? Can't see what there is to be proud of in any of them. They are only letters strung together after all.

BeaufortBelle · 10/08/2015 20:46

Do you know grimbletart, I'm proud of being Mrs. I'm proud that I'm my DH's wife. I love being a married woman 25 years on still. I am still in awe that my DH married me and that we love each other more as each day passes. I still feel amazing when I'm out with him and people appreciate I'm his wife.

I'm also his equal; he feels the same about me. I have my own life, friends, money and a career. We share our home(s), our children and our love.

Really sorry but I think a successful union shouldn't be minimalized. Also I'm not a Ms. I didn't need to be Ms when I was single until I was 32. I was a Miss, because I wasn't married. When I married I became a Mrs because I was married. Two statements of fact. Ms is a preference. Preferences are easily respected but they are vague and they hide reality.

Why are women afraid of realities. That's what I think it boils down to. It isn't an issue to be single; why hide it if it isn't a matter of concern? Serious question.

Nolim · 10/08/2015 20:55

It isn't an issue to be single; why hide it if it isn't a matter of concern? Serious question.

To be single or married or divorced or widowed is not a matter of concern, it is nobodys business. There should be no need to hide it nor highlight it either. Thats why i think that a neutral female title such as ms is ideal. I just dont feel the need to advertise my marital status.

YonicScrewdriver · 10/08/2015 20:58

Beaufort, do you think I am minimising my marriage by calling myself Ms?

YonicScrewdriver · 10/08/2015 21:00

"Preferences are easily respected but they are vague and they hide reality. "

Assuming your husband is Mr, is he hiding reality?

JeanneDeMontbaston · 10/08/2015 21:40

beau, I used to feel proud I'd managed a successful union. It was a lot of work, hard work.

Then I got divorced, because I realised you probably shouldn't have to feel a healthy relationship is that much hard work.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2015 21:46

I am always Ms.

I am in an ongoing, committed, monogamous relationship that has been absolutely solid since 1976.

No I'm not proud of that. There are things I'm proud of. Being lucky enough to find someone I want to spend my life with isn't one of them!

Amethyst24 · 10/08/2015 22:18

I don't think being proud/happy/validated to have found a person you want to commit to is a bad thing. I do think it's a bad thing that women alter their identity to reflect that and men don't.

TooOldForGlitter · 11/08/2015 04:05

I'm divorced and I reverted back to my family surname after divorce so my daughter and I have different surnames. People assume I just wasn't married to her dad and gave her his name. I was but...meh. I'm MS though. Always have been. Its not asda or nexts business if I'm married or not. The very idea that men can just be....but women must identify as Miss (still owned by father) or Mrs (now owned by husband) is vomit inducing!

TooOldForGlitter · 11/08/2015 04:24

A big part old my job is sending out our standard forms to new clients. I usually get an email with, Sue Smith, phone number blah blah on. When I first started I addressed every letter to women with Ms. I got bollocked. Lots of women rang up complaining that they were Mrs Jones and not Ms Smith. My mind still boggles at this.

TooOldForGlitter · 11/08/2015 04:24

*of not old..

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