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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

"spunkbucket"

53 replies

nobodyknows0 · 29/05/2015 09:37

i thought of you guys last night, and i come here slightly.. ashamed I'm not sure if that's the right word but i have dismissed you lot before and thought i would never seek consolidation here but here I am because last night i spent a long time crying and desperately hurt and upset and one of the only things that made me feel better was that maybe you guys would be this upset as well.

I have two dc, 5yrs and 6 weeks old, my dp works full time we're not on benefits but i am at home being a full time mum atm, currently with both as it's half term.

Yesterday i was checking my fb quickly when i saw my DP had shared a post, it was in meme style (that old pic of willy wonka guy) it said something along the lines of "So you consider yourself a full time yummymummy? more like a spunkbucket on the dole you ugly cunt." which of course had thousands of comments with people finding it hilarious. It hit me like a kick in the stomach.

DP insisted he didn't mean to share it and although he initially did find it funny when he saw i was upset he removed it and posted an apology and apologised but I admit this really hit me hard i know it's because of my own issues as well with self esteem and self worth atm but i found this so disgusting that people (men and women) could describe a mum like this and laugh about it.. it really hurts Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
nobodyknows0 · 29/05/2015 11:04

thank you JFR, I don't though but it's ok.

OP posts:
uglyswan · 29/05/2015 11:10

OP -I'm so sorry, this is completely unacceptable. "Spunkbucket" and "ugly cunt" are absolutely disgusting misogynist terms and you are completely right, if I was dating someone who used them, I would be out of their life so fast, their head would swivel around 360 degrees before they realised what was happening.

"Some women are like that though (as in do just have kids for the money)" = lazy-minded and hateful bollocks. Single parent families (only 9% of which are single father families) are twice as likely to be affected by poverty than couple parent families. 63,4% of these families work. I accessed these statistics from the ONS in the time it takes to click "share this steaming pile of wordshit and show your friends what kind of misogynist shitbird you really are".

So: his facebook post was simply beyond the pale. His claims are completely unfounded. And when you point this out he laughs at you and tells you to grow up. I'm sorry, I wouldn't want to share breathing space with this man. Other people, wiser and more diplomatic than I am, will no doubt be on here to give you some advice on how to move on from here. I'm just here to share your rage and disgust - both of which are absolutely warranted. Sad

BurntPizza · 29/05/2015 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

uglyswan · 29/05/2015 11:13

Massive cross post. I'm sorry OP, please try and look after yourself. Can you ring up a friend for a chat?

Mide - nope. I guaranfuckingtee you that no healthy respectful discussion ever started with the word "spunkbucket". Not ever in the history of the world.

almondcakes · 29/05/2015 11:14

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I know what it is like to be in the situation of being a SAHM of young children, be unable to get out of that situation if anything happens, and then being dismissed and bullied for having young children.

I don't really understand the comment that it is not about you. Isn't it about SAHMs. Who else could it be about? Am I missing something here?

It is a bit like posting something really awful about nurses when your partner is a nurse. How is it not about nurses? I don't get it.

Mide7 · 29/05/2015 11:18

Bp- I don't think I said best way. What's the difference from saying something to get a rise out of someone and genuinely holding that opinion?
And I'll guarantee that to but like I said before, I wasn't defending the OP's DP. I think that's disgusting.

grimbletart · 29/05/2015 11:23

OP: your DP was being an arsehole. No wonder you were upset. But what is more concerning is that you say you have been supportive of him over a difficult time, have a 6 week old baby and secretly feel suicidal.

I think you need support yourself - someone to share your feelings with, a talk with your doctor or another health professional perhaps? Is there anyone - family or close friend - you can talk to?

almondcakes · 29/05/2015 11:33

OP, I really think you need to find someone, or more than one person to talk to. Is there anyone you could speak to about how you feel?

LassUnparalleled · 29/05/2015 11:43

It's vile and unacceptable. I would not want to associate with a person who thought it was funny or who could spend the time creating it and sharing it.

It's also knucke draggingly stupid. It is possible to say outrageouly cruel and unfair things which no decent person could agree with but involve linguistic inventiveness.

shaska · 29/05/2015 11:47

If I was sharing 'funny' memes with 'think you're a regular guy but actually you're a disgusting rapist piece of shit' and my defence was 'but some men are though!' I don't think my male friends and partner would find that particularly acceptable or funny.

shaska · 29/05/2015 11:48

Oh - and my defence would, I suspect, be statistically stronger.

uglyswan · 29/05/2015 11:59

OP, could you please call the Samaritans? Please?

Original poster
nobodyknows0 · 29/05/2015 13:56

sorry i'm considering going to the gp but im worried about my dp finding out, it wouldn't go well. can't tell family and no friends i could speak to about it but it's ok i don't feel like it all the time just when i get worried/anxious and very upset but honestly i can handle it.. last night was just a particularly bad night Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
nobodyknows0 · 29/05/2015 13:58

almondcakes yes it makes you feel very vulnerable, and i don't understand either really i do believe him it was a mistake as thats why i was so shocked because its out of character but his reaction could have been better when i brought it to his attention.

OP posts:
almondcakes · 29/05/2015 16:44

Have you had a chance to speak to him about it since this morning? Do you think there is more you can say to him about it?

LassUnparalleled · 29/05/2015 16:59

i was ready to post that you were being unreasonable and its a word i use for a good looking man but in that context it is vile!

It's a vile word in any context.

OP you need to speak to someone.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 29/05/2015 17:07

Milde nobody ever had a healthy 2-way, respectful discussion that started out with someone bring deliberately provocative.

wasn't that socraties whole way of opening debate, saying something shocking?
It is a pretty damn common technique, on here we are often told to convert someones sexist comment into a racist comment just to show them how it really sounds.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 29/05/2015 17:17

I am not certain that saying you consider people in the same position as your partner to be ugly cunts and that they are sluts / prostitutes is a great way of "stimulating debate" especially when your partner is feeling vulnerable.

To pretend that this was the intent of this man is giving him a ludicrous, preposterous amount of leeway Confused

I mean seriously, people honestly think he posted that to provoke intelligent debate / challenge stereotypes? What about the more likely reason - he posted it because he found it "funny because it's true"?

OP why will it be bad if your partner finds out you have spoken to the GP? Many GP you can get to call you back these days, you could do that, or there are other helplines you could try. I'm not surprised you are very upset about what he did, you need to talk to someone though about the other stuff really, it's a terrible place to be and help is out there Smile

YonicScrewdriver · 29/05/2015 17:46

OP, the Samaritans will listen for as long as you need and as many times as you need. If it's too hard to go to your GP right now, they could be a starting point.

LassUnparalleled · 29/05/2015 18:16

I completely agree with Yonic and Whirlpool.
Re your GP why would he find out? And why would it be bad. If you don't want to tell him just say you were tired, thought you might be bit anaemic.

almondcakes · 29/05/2015 21:51

Nobodyknows, I hope you are doing okay.

CollatalieSisters · 30/05/2015 07:22

Hope you are ok this morning OP. It is so, so common to feel low when you have a little baby - and if your partner is stressed out too and saying stupid, thoughtless things with no consideration about how it might affect you... well, it must be doubly hard. It's concerning that he wouldn't be happy with you going to the gp (if i read that right). Please try to talk to someone in rl, and maybe try the relationships board here if there are wider things with your partner it might be helpful to reflect on or get a different perspective on.

ApocalypseThen · 30/05/2015 08:14

I was also very concerned for you re the GP, OP. Please call the Samaritans and get support.

Regarding what your partner said, I can understand why you're upset. I'd be extremely upset if I found out that my husband thought that kind of remark and language about any woman was even slightly amusing, particularly as we've a new baby daughter.

TheoriginalLEM · 30/05/2015 08:56

I wasn't going to respond on this thread again and have pmd you black rider. I just wanted to make it clear that actually my dp would never make misogynistic comments such as those mentioned in this thread. I am answering now because a few people have commented and i feel ive misrepresented my poor dp.

TheoriginalLEM · 30/05/2015 08:59

more importantly OP. Do please consider talking to your gp. I suffer from anxiety and have had suicidal thoughts in the past. The gp was great. im on medication and have had counselling. i just wanted to assure you that no way will your parenting be questioned or anything like that.