Feminist Pub XVIII, in which the Bluestocking greets the first signs of spring with a glass of something soothing

[PuffinsAreFictitious]

Just starting this one as the last is nearly full

I know the school yes, I know her name as it was displayed in the convo, but not the name of the boy involved, he wasn't part of the conversation I saw and his name wasn't mentioned, I was going to ask for her number but then don't wt her to feel uncomfortable either, having a total stranger phone her, but then she might want some support and have no one. I'd be ok with ringing the school, the only reason I haven't is I worried it would make it worse for her if they pulled her aside? I could keep her name out if it and say I saw something alarming on one of their pupils phones, I actually want to name the people calling her names but again would that make it worse for her?

I would hope the school would deal with the perpetrators directly (i.e. bullies/name callers) rather than expecting her to step forward.

Or maybe the police if you are not confident the school will deal with this (which is after all rape) sensitively/correctly?

Is your relative mature enough to understand why you might be doing this? To keep quiet about it if you tell him you are going to approach school or police?

A colleague asked me to proofread a fairly lengthy document, it's an interesting topic so I was happy to oblige (I am officially an author though my main input was very early on).

I'm v happy to see she's got the "hypothetical person participating in X activity" as She not He.

I generally tend to go for They but it's just nice (though a bit depressing that it's surprising).

I was reading something the other day, where they had a generic "she" - but it was a negative context - can't remember quite what, just that it made me sigh.

Arse, double arse, fuck and buggery! The people we were buying our house from have pulled out and taken it off the market!!

Oh no!!! That's the pits. They shoud be penalized for that. I'm guessing that apart from the disappointment, you will be losing money

Oh no!

Bastards!

I've had 14 moves in 30 years (not all buying, some rented) & have had to put up with buggery like this.

But, I've always then got a house I liked more.

Have a virtual with me - and we can weep into our dregs.

XXXXX

Oh, no!

Sorry, that's rotten.

I'm so sorry sera

I don't think you can contact the school unless you keep her name out of it which may make it pointless.

You cannot contact her. No matter how well intentioned since as far as she is concerned this is just gossiping. You cannot contact the police. You have no idea where that would lead.

The best thing is to keep on at your relative. Emphasise how she must be feeling, this is bullying - lay it on thick. People in her situation can be driven to suicide - does he want that on his conscience?

Does his mother know? If this were my son he'd bear my full wrath.

I am in a quandary.

I shall have to be a bit vague as it is about DD and friendships, and I don't like giving out details of kids at school, so sorry if it doesn't make sense.

DD has been good friends with someone for a long time but now has fallen out with them. There is good reason and she doesn't want to be friends with them ever again. They are not letting go and alternate between bugging her to speak to them or getting angry and upsetting her. They are pretty obsessive and can go out of their way to obviously give her the evil eye and/or follow her around at lunch time.

So I'm a bit confused on what advice to give her. She needs to stop obsessing about whether they are obsessing over her (did that make sense?) and to relax so that she can enjoy herself with her friends. But I don't think she should forgive and forget. The other kid has been very controlling of her (and their mum thinks this is because the kid cares so much for DD so it excuses their behavior).

So what is the middle line? I think she's made the right decision to break off the friendship, but she also needs to move on so that this doesn't keep building into some big hate thing.

School knows and teachers are intervening when necessary, but what can I say to DD as her mother to help her manage how she feels and responds?

I'd contact the school, Inicked, they should have a robust policy on cyberbullying, and this would fit into their remit, ask to speak to the cyberbullying lead teacher, or whoever is in charge of pastoral care.

kickass I have no experience with this I'm afraid, so cannot advise. But I have done my fair share of obsessing (over something entirely different) and telling myself to stop. But until I actually confront what I was obsessing about and allowing myself to be angry I couldn't move on. Perhaps that's what she needs? (Sorry - may be talking nonsense... )

Kickass, I understand what you mean, like your dd worries about the other girl watching her, and wondering if she's been watched and having funny looks from her or followed by her type thing? She's aware that she could be watching her so can't really relax? I can't give any practical advice, but it must be draining for your dd and for you to see her anxious.

I worry that dd is at the start of something like this, dd has had a close friendship for three years now, and I've noticed the last year a bit of possessiveness, her friend makes dd feel guilty for doing things with other friends, and changes her opinions, clothes, hair and behaviour to mimmick dds. Dd sometimes feels stifled but she loves her friends very much, so I'm just keeping an eye on things. They will be going to seperate schools next year so chances are they will grow apart maybe.

Is it easy for them to avoid each other at school? Do they share mutual friends? The only thing I can think to say, is to ignore her, but the that's not easy if the other girl is actively bugging her. I hope someone can give you better advise than me.

Inicked - yes, that's exactly it. The thing is that the other child IS doing the staring/ evil eye type thing, but DD needs to learn to ignore it and just get on with her day. What bothers me most is the attitude of "they're being controlling/obsessive because they care" which the other parent is saying. No way am I saying that to DD - plenty of ways to care about someone without the controlling/obsessive behaviours.

btw - I think the idea of raising the issue of cyber bullying with the school is a good one (although you've obviously done more fo the girl than any of her friends). You could just let the school know that you're only distantly connected with the school, but still you know that there are students who think that FB shaming/comments/bullying is happening, and that the students don't get what they're doing Perhaps the school could raise this as obviously there are large numbers of students sending hurtful messages who think that it's OK to do this. It's really hard, but some kids just don't get that 'talking about someone' is the same as 'gossiping' which is the same as 'bitching and bullying'. You have to make those connections for them.

Oh hai! Soft drink please, running training is nearly finished!

Sorry about the house sera, will you get any of your money back?

INicked just by confronting your family member and explaining it, you haven't failed her. Will you be contacting the school? Being a teenager now is terrifying.

Had to stand up for myself at work today, and I'm still being a bit ill now. Someone missed a deadline I had given them (by over a week) and as such I had to organise something myself, and she doesn't like what I've done and is demanding I change it. I stood my ground though, and even managed to keep from apologising. I hate any kind of confrontation and she was quite aggressive, so I'm unreasonable proud of myself for not just rolling over. (Tiny bit glad I'm not in work tomorrow though, for when the shit meets the fan). Baby steps.

Can I just say huge thanks to the person that linked the downloadable copies of Dworkin's books. I'm poor at the minute and have had a lot of my wish list for a while. I'm ploughing through them (in order) on my commute and loving it.

"they're being controlling/obsessive because they care"

If it was a context other than schoolfriends there would be a name for that, wouldn't there?

Why did none of you warn me off Maya Angelou? This means I have to read her entire oeuvre, doesn't it?

I'm reading Singin' & Swingin' & Gettin' Merry Like Christmas and it had me hooked from the first few sentences. Her writing has had me sighing for joy more times in one volume than many writers do in an entire career.

Well done hoppy. I'm not brilliant at confrontation either but have learnt to manage quite well recently to not back down. Only this week I had to have a couple of days off due to car problems, so alerted the agency so they could arrange cover. Monday was fine, Tuesday was not. First they blamed my locum, then they blamed me, saying I'd not informed them in time. I told the client they knew by 2pm Monday I wouldn't be in Tuesday which left plenty of time. I also got on to the agency and told them I didn't appreciate them trying to drop me in the shit. Of course this means I won't get another placement when this one ends, but hey ho.

I've not read any Maya Angelou ... I am currently indulging in a VI Warshawski story. I do like her.

*"they're being controlling/obsessive because they care"

If it was a context other than schoolfriends there would be a name for that, wouldn't there?*

That's exactly my conundrum. If this were RL, or an ex-boyfriend, I would be telling her to get a restraining order.

BUT at the same time, she does need to be able to move on from this, and we all have to learn coping strategies. I don't want to ignore how much it upsets her, but she can't keep on thinking about it, she needs to clear her head.

Dr. - I only read Angelou as a teen at school, and I prob need to go back and actually read her. Amazing how reading something for school can completely kill it!

I had a text from my family member last night asking if I could ring him, which I did, he said he had been thinking about what I'd said last weekend, and feels awful that he upset me and his friend, he spoke to her yesterday and has apologised to her for his part in the name calling, saying that he didn't think about the impact his words were having, he said he mentioned what I had said about consent and she had told him that the only person who has been nice to her is the boy in question, he's the only one who hasn't joined in the name calling and the only one who has asked her if she is ok, she told her best friend the next morning and wanted help with getting emergency contraceptive, her friend then went and told everyone in their friendship group.
The girl thanked my family member for saying sorry but the friendship is over, she said she couldn't ever trust any of them again, she has told him she wants to get on with her exams and be left alone, he's asked me what he can do to change her mind and I've told him he can't, that he must respect her decision and not bug her to speak to him. That it's good he apologised to her, but he can't expect her to just carry on like before, that he and his friends were twats, and they might be able to forget it and carry on as normal, she can't.
He said the name calling has died down, but that could be just because he's not involved in the group convos anymore as he has distanced himself from them a bit. It sounds like the groups has split further, with her best friend still namecalling with one or two verbally at least, but with a couple of the others stepping away after my "outburst" the only one the girl still speaks to is the boy, but she said that that isn't the same anymore either as it's awkward.
I phoned the school, (before I'd spoke to my family member) but haven't told anyone in real life that I have done so, I spoke to the head of his year, I said I'd seen some nasty bullying of one of their pupils by other pupils over social media, that I wasn't a parent of any pupils and didn't feel comfortable giving names in case it caused the victim more stress but that I wanted to let them know what was going on, which I know isn't much use, they thanked me for my call and making them aware, if I wanted to contact again with any concerns to do so. I know it was probably a waste of time, I wasn't bothered about getting the bullies in trouble, I was worried that the girl might not want teachers to know, and naming the bullies might make them name her?
I've told him I love him very much and it made me sad to see him acting in such a way, not sad for me, but sad for the girl who thought she has friends and got shit on by them all when she needed them, I think he is genuinely sorry, but if that's came about due to genuine guilt or fear of getting into trouble I don't know. Maybe a bit of both.

Doctor She's wonderful. I love reading her work. I love it even more because when I do read it I 'hear' it in her fabulous voice.

Inicked - that sounds pretty positive. As a teacher I would want to know that info, as they are probably aware that there's been some kind of upset, but not sure who.why, so now they have something to go on.

I could write more but I am meant o be teaching in 3 minutes.