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Original poster

Trigger warning

47 replies

NotAnotherFuckingNamechange · 31/01/2015 21:30

Hi all. Excuse me using a namechange.

I need some help, and I'm not going to be very good putting it onto words. But I know you'll all understand.

I love my parents, because you do, but all through my childhood they were physically abusive in what I suppose are minor ways. I went to social services in my teens, and they punished me for it by hitting me and telling me I'd been cruel to lie.

When I was 22, I was wearing a dressing gown, and my dad was very drunk, and he grabbed me and tried to pull it open, and groped me.

It is what it is. I am mentioning it because I am finding it harder and harder to get past it.

I really want to move on with my life. I am finding it hard. I am a pretty sorted person, and I cope fine, so I really need help for sorted people. I;d be grateful.

OP posts:
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 31/01/2015 23:26

Oh, bloody hell, that does sound useless. Maybe I am idealising counsellors.

Original poster
NotAnotherFuckingNamechange · 31/01/2015 23:28

And I think I also feel - and, accept that I am stating this, not fishing for sympathy, because I do understand precisely how it sounds - that if I didn't have my parents, no-one would like me. My mum used to tell me that no one liked me. And again, being married was respite from that. I am not gunning for sympathy, because I do get that the world is full of generous, lovely people. But, it is hard to get away from what they said early on.

OP posts:
PuffinsAreFictitious · 31/01/2015 23:29

Ummmm, what a crappy counselor!

I've reread my post, and I didn't mean for it to sound as prescriptive as it did, sorry Blush Thanks

Original poster
NotAnotherFuckingNamechange · 31/01/2015 23:29

countess - oh, no, this was the tame counsellor attached to the shite place I was in then. I'm sure many of them are wonderful. I am just scared of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAnotherFuckingNamechange · 31/01/2015 23:30

penguins, I so appreciated your post. Thanks Please, for goodness' sake, don't apologize.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAnotherFuckingNamechange · 31/01/2015 23:33

Argh. Sorry. puffins.

Blush

I did have the right 'bird' in my mind when I typed that.

OP posts:
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 31/01/2015 23:34

Aaargh. If only you knew - how MANY people like you and how MUCH they like you. I get that it is hard to move away from that early conditioning, but really -You are fabulous and have many friends.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 31/01/2015 23:38

I have to go to bed now (vomity child last night), can talk tomorrow if you like. Much love x

Original poster
NotAnotherFuckingNamechange · 31/01/2015 23:41

Thank you. Flowers

(And sorry about vomity child!)

OP posts:
JeanneDeMontbaston · 01/02/2015 01:15

Sorry, but I'm going to say: "A smack on the bottom isn't abusive, physical discipline where bones are broken or failing to properly care for an injured child is abuse."

I really disagree with this.
at;
Sorry. But I do.

Defining abuse as beginning when bones are broken is just so far wrong. I know that isn't what you meant, but ... that's so wrong. IMO.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 01/02/2015 05:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cailindana · 01/02/2015 06:33

I've had a shite counsellor too, it was really damaging and put me off having counselling, even though I needed it.

Others on the thread seem to 'know' you, I don't (though I may know you under another name).

In an ideal world what would now happen between you and your parents?

YonicScrewdriver · 01/02/2015 08:26

Another one saying that it doesn't sound like "minor" abuse. I'm so sorry. Flowers

And another one who likes you a lot Smile

Personally I would never go to a male counsellor. I know that counselors can't possibly experience everything they support on but I think the frame of reference for the lived experience is so different, I couldn't do it.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 01/02/2015 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LightningOnlyStrikesOnce · 01/02/2015 11:11

The thing that strikes me, sorry I'm not a counsellor so this may be the wrong thing to say (hopes) but... "you love your parents, because you do".

No.

There is no obligation to waste love on people like this. You would not like them if you met them in the street: you would be horrified if you heard of them treating your friends like this: you would be worse than horrified if this was your own child they were abusing.

Tha feeling that you should love you parents is I think the start and roots of the confusion you get from abuse. No, you have every right to be very very angry.

Incidentally how old (roughly) are you?

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 01/02/2015 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuffinsAreFictitious · 01/02/2015 12:05

Sorry, but I'm going to say: "A smack on the bottom isn't abusive, physical discipline where bones are broken or failing to properly care for an injured child is abuse."

Defining abuse as beginning when bones are broken is just so far wrong. I know that isn't what you meant, but ... that's so wrong. IMO.

I sort of agree. It's how I have contextualised my childhood though. Not useful for anyone else, so should have used a better analogy.

And I like you too. I think you're pretty bloody amazing actually.

LightningOnlyStrikesOnce · 01/02/2015 12:51

"if I didn't have my parents, no-one would like me. My mum used to tell me that no one liked me."

Yeah. It's complex. Children need unconditional love and at least an occasional bit of attention: if they don't get it from the one set of people who really ought to, they will grow up thinking that they are worthless and unworthy of attention from anyone else. Your mother then hammered that feeling down consciously. It isn't true though. You're as good as anyone, better in many respects.

You really did have a fucking shit time. Your brothers are perpetuating the abuse by telling you that you didn't. FWIW I walked out on my parental family for a lot less.

I asked how old you were because you really don't seem to have a lot of distance between you and those events. I know how they jump back out at you though. I really would strongly encourage you to back off from your family for a bit, all of them, especially the brothers you think you are close to, while you are thinking things through. They are abusers and enablers and will not help you. No need to go nc, they'll probably start up with emotional blackmail: just distance yourself a bit.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 01/02/2015 14:43

Jesus NAFNC, I am so sorry to read this.

I really don't know what to add that might be useful. I don't have experience in these things that others have (going through them, or supporting others), but I didn't want to read and run.

You are an amazing woman. I've read about your last year in awe as you've blazed a trail through so many hurdles and I read your articulate posts and often think how I'd love to be able to express feminist ideas that well. And I've read about your recent new adventures and thought 'fab'.

It is absolute bollocks that, if you didn't have your parents, no one would like you. I admit I've never had the chance to meet you, but I LIKE YOU.

Original poster
NotAnotherFuckingNamechange · 02/02/2015 20:32

Hi,

I went silent so I could take a day out to not think about things a bit. I hope that makes sense. I am very grateful for replies. It does help hugely. And, I do like you all so much. I really appreciate the way MN has an amazing community to it. I've posted on here for about 5/6 year and I do notice how it helps.

lightning - I should clarify. I said that, because, from what I read, it is often true. Not for everyone, I know. But I can't just flip a switch and not love them any more. I'm 30, FWIW.

penguins, that's so kind of you. I think you're wonderful to. I mean, I really do - that's why I feel very safe here, because I like people here.

buffy - Thanks. You too. I'm not good at expressing it, but you too.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 02/02/2015 21:54

Hi NotAnotherFuckingNameChange. I think I know who you are, apologies if I've got the wrong person though! I think I've met you and you are lovely. Please don't doubt yourself (easier said than done I know) x

From what you've written about your family on MN this doesn't come as a complete surprise and I'm so sorry you went through this as a child. And tbh you are still going through it Sad.

"Those are not the only healed fractures. They are the ones that I know raise comment. I am sure lots of people have lots of fractures - what I'm getting at is the odd responses to them." I found the description of your fractures horrifying (sorry). It is not normal for people (or children) to have lots of fractures. Not unless they are stunt people or downhill skiers or something like that. Even the clumsiest child is more often going to just have scrapes and bruises/stitches. Your brothers are in denial. Please don't doubt yourself on this score either x

LightningOnlyStrikesOnce · 03/02/2015 08:46

Oh good, I'm glad I didn't help to drive you off by coming across judgemental. As the others said, you have a perfect right to feel however you feel. Abuse by parents is the worst, you can get very tangled up.

it really is not normal to have lots of healed fractures. It is even less normal to have healed fractures caused by your own parents. And then to have your brothers denying that that is abuse is crazy. They certainly are in denial, and in denying it, are perpetuating and enablng it. Again I'd urge you to distance yourself at least for now. 30 is still very young with that sort of background.

Counselling sounds like a really good idea tbh. There is also a specific thread on relationships about survivors of dysfunctional families (your story is just about the worse of any on there), with lots of self-help links if you find that helpful. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2262683-But-we-took-you-to-stately-homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families?pg=24

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