Trigger warning

[NotAnotherFuckingNamechange]

Hi all. Excuse me using a namechange.

I need some help, and I'm not going to be very good putting it onto words. But I know you'll all understand.

I love my parents, because you do, but all through my childhood they were physically abusive in what I suppose are minor ways. I went to social services in my teens, and they punished me for it by hitting me and telling me I'd been cruel to lie.

When I was 22, I was wearing a dressing gown, and my dad was very drunk, and he grabbed me and tried to pull it open, and groped me.

It is what it is. I am mentioning it because I am finding it harder and harder to get past it.

I really want to move on with my life. I am finding it hard. I am a pretty sorted person, and I cope fine, so I really need help for sorted people. I;d be grateful.

Hello, and I'm sorry for what your parents - and especially your dad - did to you when you were younger.

You aren't alone. As well as talking here, if you want to talk to someone who has training for this, and who won't minimise what happened to you, and may be able to help you get past it, you can try Rape Crisis - they are there for anyone who has endured sexual assault of any kind, not just rape. Their number is here: www.rapecrisis.org.uk/rapeampsexualviolence2.php

(Childhood stuff can stay with you a long, long time, and ambush you decades later in very odd ways. I know, as I've experienced it too.)

Thanks annie.

I know I'm not alone, and I appreciate it. I just feel comfortable here.

You put that so well - an 'ambush' later on - that's exactly it. I thought I was over it.

Thank you.

house - well, my boyfriend when I was 18 knew that things were going on that weren't right, and his wife is a good friend of mine these days (we were all at school together). I spoke to her about it, and it turns out he'd read into things and knew of the sexual dynamic before I quite did.

I've once posted about it on here before, too.

I'm sorry if this is inappropriate here. I did post here deliberately, but if people feel it's not right, I'll have it deleted. I don't want to post in relationships.

They can't hurt you anymore. Don't allow them that power over you.

I wish I had the words to help but I don't know how to help you process this and stop it flaring up. All I know is that I admire you immensely on here and hate that you've been hurt.

house - yes, that's exactly it.

FWIW, I posted here because you are my people, if you know what I mean?

blis - thank you. That is exceptionally kind. And of course, you know I feel the same way - you are someone I respect hugely, and I take hope from knowing what you've come through.

Sorry to hear this. fwiw it falls into place - I wish it surprised me more. I think Rape Crisis is not a bad idea - I get a feeling you might still be minimising how bad it was, if you feel you should be over it.

countess - sorry to be introspective (but, I'm afraid I have a feeling I need to be. If you think differently, tell me, but I think I've never worked this out). But, why does it fall into place? And how?

I don't exactly feel I should be over it.

It's that, now, I am surprised by how much it is coming up again.

I am familiar with the urge to minimise.

I have counselled people on this, and my feedback was that I was good - so this is not ignorance, but classic cognitive dissonance.

I am aware of it. It's just, I feel I can't about it. And I haven't. But now, I need to, or I think I am never going to get past it.

The very uncomfortable relationship with parents and - worried this is going to come out wrong - being needlessly apologetic sometimes.

No, it doesn't come out wrong at all. As you know, I am aware I do that.

house - it's triggered because I was in a minimally sexual relationship with my husband and I'm not now.

I've barely been able to talk to my siblings. I have talked to my younger brother - with whom I'm otherwise close - about the physical abuse - and he was shocked and angry that I saw it as abuse. I have a badly healed break in my spine near my neck and a healed fracture near my knee, which show up on xrays, plus a small scar on my face which should have been stitched, but which my brother caused when he was a baby and my mum didn't take me in for. My brother is horrified I consider any of what happened to be abusive.

(Those are not the only healed fractures. They are the ones that I know raise comment. I am sure lots of people have lots of fractures - what I'm getting at is the odd responses to them.)

Is it also triggered because your husband was a barrier between you and them at some level and now you don't have that?

Yes, absolutely.

I had been with him for a couple of months, and we went to my parents for Christmas. He took me away and pointed out they were upsetting me, and told me we never had to do that again.

And you still don't have to.
The fractures.... well, some people don't have any at all. Do you fracture easily easily?! But I agree iit's the reaction that's most odd - I think your instincts are sound.

Sorry, am on phone and it keeps repeating words! I think siblings are either going to see it or not and often they won't, and in those cases they will naturally be resistant to the idea.

A smack on the bottom isn't abusive, physical discipline where bones are broken or failing to properly care for an injured child is abuse. Do you think your brother has minimised what happened to him? Or were you singled out, do you think?

I have no advice, I'm afraid, I still have no idea how to deal with similar issues myself. However, I used to be a pretty good counselor, and in that capacity, I would suggest that you might be best off talking to a and I'm loathe to use the phrase survivors counselor.

Your first post did seem to minimise the physical abuse, when compared to the level of injury caused, and I care about you far too much to be less than honest about that. It may seem like small fry to you, but it probably really isn't iyswim?

I have no idea whether or not I fracture easily. I don't think so. I've never broken anything in my adult life, but apparently I have a lot of healed childhood fractures. Admittedly, I was quite active and some of them will be from that. But apparently some of them are classic 'this didn't happen by accident' fractures, as is the face scar. It's tiny, but I understand that it would be unusual not to get it stitched, because facial wounds bleed a lot.

Sorry, I cross posted.

puffins, I honestly have no idea. I have only one memory of my big brother ever being hit, that's a clear memory. I know it happened more than that, but I don't exactly remember it.

Thank you for explaining things. I am not trying to minimize, I am just working through it. I know I could go see a counsellor. And if this is horrible for people here, I will delete it. But I know you lot, and you are wise and kind.

I think when you mention specific things about your parents I sometimes wonder why you're not more angry and that makes me think there is a lot of sense in talking to someone like a counsellor. But it is fine to talk on here first.

Being angry takes a lot of energy, both in itself, and because my brothers put pressure on. But you have to understand it's hard to separate things anyway - you love your parents.

The last time I talked to a counsellor, I was here, and he was utterly useless. He kept asking why I was upset, as if it wasn't ok to be upset, and he concluded I was a bit depressed but basically fine, and didn't need any support beyond being told to pull myself together.