Watched that awful film that is currently on iplayer - at least flicked through some of it - last night: The Accidental Husband. (I don't know what was going through my mind, I was tired and wanted light relief and had clearly forgotten everything I have learnt about what is genuinely fun and relaxing and refreshing, and what is poisonous and toxic)
Without watching the whole film, I thought about the tropes that stood out for me as messages (not from this particular film which came out when I was about 36 but from love stories generally) that have had a negative effect on my entire life. (what can I do about my dds? How can I help them have a better life than me without locking them in a cave?)
Premise: woman hosts relationship-advice radio show. Beautiful and successful and engaged to a v, handsome man, believes she has everything sussed. Tells a woman caller who has obvious cold feet to call off her wedding. Dumped fiance decides to fuck with her (radio show lady) as revenge. Stalks her, hacks her personal govt records so that they are "married" (so she can't marry her real fiance), lies to her, obstructs her, fucks with her life, until they fall in love, happily ever after.
Things I really, really noticed:
That we are supposed to sympathise with the charming man who is creepily manipulating a woman and lying to her and ruining her life. That in addition to this, his whole motivation is entitled outrage that his original gf has left him and wants to move on. (for good reason). Yet he is a "nice guy."
That when the radio host finds out that he has manipulated her and lied to her, and is furious, he explains that he "wanted to take her down a peg". This is positioned in the film as being absolutely reasonable. That absolutely ran through me with cold chills. I recognised so many times in my life when men had wanted, and felt quite justified in this, to "take me down a peg" for no reason other than that they thought the upper hand was owed to them. Cruelty, humililation, slack or cavalier treatment, refusal to communicate, etc - all fine, when a woman needs to be taken down a peg. She is supposed to be a fair target because she is beautiful, has a successful radio show and a book coming out. How very bloody dare she? God, men hate women who are good at stuff. They really fucking hate us.
That (as far as I can tell - I didn't watch more than half in total of the whole loathesome thing) the two female characters (the radio host, and the original fiancee who dumps the, ahem, "hero") have no friends. No female family, no confidantes (one has a father). They make big life changing decisions about getting married alone, or with the help of a stranger on the radio. They have no support, they have no fun with other women. Female friendship does not exist.
These three things all together summed up the big mistakes I have made in my life with relationships:
1 - over sympathising with, or weak boundaries towards, with men who are being a bit shit or even nasty because society is giving them a free pass as "good blokes"
2 - not realising when I am simply being punished for being competent or even talented, and maybe (at one time) daring to be a bit pretty at the same time; not realising when I am being "taken down a peg"
3 - not staying close enough to other women. Not being honest enough about how shit I was being treated, not having open communication with older wiser women especially
Forgive the self indulgence. I really wanted to get that out there.
Now. What about dds?
The only thing I can think of solutions to right now, is 3. So I will a. stay as close to them as I can, as they will let me, and b. make sure I support good healthy friendships that they have and c. maybe send them to mumsnet one day!