Feminist pub no 12: The Bluestocking Returns, this time with goats!

[YonicScrewdriver]

Welcome!

Thanks Because, that's what I thought.

Am jealous of your balletic prowess

Demis if you're taking votes I'd cast mine for non-hyphenated. Looks very distinguished, I always think.

DP has taken DD to his mother's for a few days. Yesterday afternoon I took advantage of the opportunity to listen to lots of ridiculously cheerful ska - I don't bother when he's around because I can't be arsed with the disparaging remarks about brass instruments or major chords. And then it occurred to me that I'm forgoing things that make me happy because he doesn't like them, but he doesn't extend me the same courtesy. Socialisation? I do my best to accommodate his dislikes. And I lose part of myself in the process. . When he gets home (and has had chance to recover) we will be having Words.

stormy I notice that I also don't play the piano much when DH is around, even though he has never given any hint of objection. I wonder why.

Not wanting to impose in some way? If you're very bad on the piano I can understand not wanting to inflict it on other people, but if you're not, then on the surface it doesn't make much sense.

It's the same with daytime telly. There is an overlap in the mindless dross we like. The TV always seems to end up on his mindless dross, unless I complain, in which case it gets switched to overlapping dross. Never seems to end up on my preferred dross.

yes i have realised that we tend to watch what he wants, or what we both want to watch. i watch stuff he's not interested in only when he's not there

mind you he would love to hear me play my instruments but i find the idea of it excruciatingly embarrassing so only do it when he is out. not sure what my problem is

(lordc is pretty good on the piano i reckon, with her partitas)

Yup on the watching stuff.

Rage, much rage, arrrrgh! (may possibly be triggering - about social media threats)

So we've discussed Judy Finnigan and her somewhat ignorant comments about rape. However, now, because of those comments, her daughter is getting rape threats. Pretty fucked up right there. But, way, way worse: this story is trending on Facebook. So if you click on the link to read the story, you also get to see what other "average citizens" are posting on their walls. It's utterly horrifying. Men saying that Judy, Richard and their daughter are all pig thick and should be killed. Men saying that maybe it's not fair to threaten to rape her daughter but that Judy should get death threats. Women saying that this is only fair - if Judy makes such ignorant comments about rape then maybe if her daughter is raped she might understand and not be so ignorant in future.... the list goes on.

WTAF is wrong with people?!* At what point in our history did it become okay to just casually chat to your social media mates about committing violence against people (women) just because you don't like something they have said?

Annie

People behind a veil of anonymity never cease to amaze me with the evil stuff they feel they can say. I don't understand either but I hope karma gets hold of them.

on facebook though it may well not be anonymous, i don't know

it is extraordinary how people can justify death and rape threats in the same breath as vilifying people for their own abhorrent views about rape

(hope the interview went well annie)

But it's not even anonymous, Unwitting, it's Facebook with people's names for all to see, and all their friends and family will be able to read what they've written. Forums or Twitter accounts with anonymous names, I can kind of understand, even if it is abhorrent. But what have we become as a society when people can openly say these things without any kind of filter or fear or repercussions?

it is indescribable what you come across when you peer into the void

I think it went well, Petula Pumpkin, and the salary was much better than I expected, so fingers crossed. Thanks for asking. And congrats on the job.

thanks, and sounds promising for you - i have my fingers crossed

Oh I missed that it was on facebook. Wtf???

Hi all. Have Been away and just catching up. Comments about not doing things your dp doesn't like struck a chord with me. I was chatting to a friend about my favourite workday lunch, which dh doesn't like but that I have regularly and she commented that she has a lot if friends who don't eat things their dps don't like.

I realised I have avoided this one but I am not sure how. Those of you who find you do, can you pinpoint why? I'm really fascinated as it had never occurred to either dh or I to change out habits re good because of the other one's preference.

Congratulations on all the new jobs and interviews! Really good news.

the food one is interesting - that has never occurred to me. but then we quite often eat different things at the same meal because we don't fancy the same veg, or i want to eat something dp is allergic to (so he has something else obviously), or one of us wants to eat something the other doesn't like. it's just the two of us though, so cooking more than one dish isn't such a PITA

I eat what DH likes because he does the vast majority of the cooking. He's reasonably consultative but sometime it's hard to communicate my views on food so I just let it happen the way he plans it for the most part.

I think women are socialised to be far more thoughtful about food than men (not for good reasons) so I find explaining to DH my logic for wanting certain meals a bit difficult.

Food in this house gets complicated. Four gas rings on the hob limits the possibility of two entirely separate meals. DP won't eat vegetables except for peas and sweetcorn, and his idea of a balanced meal is half carbs half meat with a vegetable garnish. I think this is bollocks, because I have no plans to get scurvy. Then there's the toddler, who will only eat omelettes and sausages. Things are further complicated by me needing to lose weight and him needing to gain it (because eight stone at five foot eleven is not healthy). So the range of things we'll both eat is pretty limited. Drives me slightly insane, to be honest.

Everybody eats things are more or less acceptable to me here. But there are some things that I really like that nobody else does, so I eat them at lunch sometimes when I'm working at home. I suppose it seems fair not to impose things on other people, but I don't know if I can entirely be sure of all the factors influencing all these decisions ...

Speaking of lunch, what should I eat today? Nothing in the fridge so a trip out to forage is in order. Nothing for tea too. Exhausted the pizza option yesterday ...

I also need to collect my left snow boot which has been left to be fixed (broken zip) but the building next to it is being renovated and there are trucks and heavy machinery everywhere... May have to park further and walk.

Oh gosh Stormy, your DP sounds enlightened compared to a neanderthal that I once dated. His idea of dinner was some form of meat slapped between two slices of bread, with nary a lettuce leaf or slice of tomato in sight. I am glad to say that I dated him several years ago now.

Its Friday night where I am, and I am reflecting on the sexist experiences I have had this week at work:

1. I can walk to work from where I live, although it is a good 40 min one way. Great exercise, especially in the beginning of the week when I have the energy for it. My manager, who I have worked for in the past, and know quite well made a jokey comment about the flat walking shoes I was putting on to walk home in, rather than the more approved of Patriarchal Shoes of Fuckability that I wear around the office. The next morning he made another jokey comment about the More Appropriate Heels of Fuckability that I had on. This is a man I respect, and sometimes it seems like such an uphill battle.

1. I wrote about one man (upthread) who appears to be The Office Misogynist (although I am trying to work out how many men in this office might be actually be vying for this title). I have noticed that he doesn't seem to talk to many women in the office during the day - in my daily traverses around the office, he can mostly be seen in conversations with other men. I have to discuss a couple of issues with him, but damned if I am going to be the simpering woman that he wants me to be, chasing him for answers. He is also more senior than me, so I am certain he expects it. I tried setting up a times to discuss the questions, and he was inflexible, only giving me one opportunity to get my answers. So today I sent him an email mid-morning to ask him for the answers and giving him options to meet with me or answer via email, copying my manager and another senior manager, as they had directed me to him. I was determined not to cave first in following up. Right at the end of the day, before he left work, he apologised for not getting back to me sooner, and said that he would write me answers to my questions over the weekend. I was determined not to be the first one to cave, as I had sent him the original request to meet, as well as a follow-up seeking answers. A small but important victory in self-assertiveness, and not allowing yourself to succumb to the wishes of others. I intend to change this dyanamic with time.

Stupid shoe place is not open. Harrumph.

But I've got chicken liver for lunch.

We have an Office Outspoken Person who may well be a misogynist. I've told him in no uncertain terms what I think about being Outspoken against gender equality initiatives, thanks to the Pub. Free speech my arse. (That's the summary. )

There is another Office Reasonable Person who does make friendly comments about one's expression and personality. He'd better be careful. The Pub Cannon is pointing that way now and the Goat will be released any minute.

LordC
BOOM!

I work with a few office misogynists who are deserving of the cannon treatment. At the moment I content myself with undermining them in other ways.

The food thing - we mostly eat what dp cooks, because a) he's a better cook than me b) he works pt while I'm ft so he has more time to do the meal planning and prep, and c) I do bedtime every night while he cooks. I tend to let him get on with cooking what he wants, but he considers what I want by adding a load more vegetables than he would put in just for him. I mentioned this to a few friends the other day and every single one of them commented how "lucky" I am that dp cooks, even though I told them the very valid reasons we have for him doing the majority of the cooking, laundry and food shopping. Nobody would tell a man that he's "lucky" his pt working wife was doing the majority of the housework, it's just expected.