vezzie, I'd say in many ways I am much happier now than I was a few years back. I had received treatment for MH ishoos on and off for some time prior to the very difficult period I described to you so MH was a contributory factor in how I reacted to the situation, but not the root cause. However, mental illness is so complicated. As many people who are much cleverer than me have written at length, the problematic 'mentally ill' vs. 'not mentally ill' binary that exists, the need to put people on pre-defined health pathways and the medicalisation of social problems (and the resultant emphasis on the individual to fix a personal deficiency rather than finding a collective, social solution to a common problem) creates major issues. I found that my treatment left me doubting myself all the time, questioning whether I was 'right' to be upset about things (or just ill), whether my standards and expectations were reasonable (or a product of 'my illness') etc etc.
Giving up paid work has enabled me to take the time to really think about what is important to me, what kind of person I want to be, to regain some control over my life (which seems counter-intuitive since having kids is so much about relinquishing control and changing identity). My job didn't leave much time for anything else so being able to read and think has been enormously beneficial. I have had DC2 and DC3 in this period so it hasn't been all navel-gazing! And I'm at uni again, which I wouldn't have been able to do if still working or a lone parent. But I am undoubtedly in a vulnerable position professionally and financially. What is more painful is the way I am treated by members of my extended family/community like I am brain-dead, like as a SAHM I have no value and am of no interest.
In practical terms, when I left my job I stripped away everything (except DC1/house) and then gradually built up external commitments, shifting over a bit of domestic responsibility to DH each time I took something on. It has been a slow and frustrating process, but things have improved enormously. I now have a full-time study schedule (tho based at home), various side projects and roles on a few committees so my 'work' hours are actually greater than DH. The expectation that DH will adapt his work schedule to accommodate my commitments is growing and growing. I intend to be either back at work or studying full-time at a brick uni this time next year so kids/house have to be 50-50 (or him doing more than me) by then. He knows this and verbally supports the plan.
I keep thinking about the idea of not just wanting equality, but wanting justice. On my good days when I'm feeling confident, I think "I've served my time, its my turn now". So if that means spending household money on training, as an example, I'm not going to feel bad about that as I deserve some investment as compensation for what I have given up for the family.
I believe that DH cares deeply for me. He says he is very supportive of my aspirations but this doesn't always translate into action, which is the crux of the matter. There is much of real value in our relationship so it seems worth persevering and putting in the necessary effort to make it work.