Feminist pub no 12: The Bluestocking Returns, this time with goats!

[YonicScrewdriver]

Welcome!

I backed in, commented (nastily) and backed away. What a bunch of arseholes, not a surprise though, looking at who is posting what, bunch of 'surrendered wives' and weirdos.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/school-girl-14-uses-martial-arts-skills-to-fight-off-attacker-35-in-sussex-park-9785904.html

Dh told me about this. Kind of made my night.

That aibu makes me furious however

Marking place

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-29357472

Mornin' all, can I ask for some advice pls? I'm thinking of changing my surname and wondered if anyone had done this and could share their experience? In a nutshell, I took DH's surname when we married years ago, our children also have his surname. I recently started using my old name for a few online things and was surprised at how much I liked to use that name again, how warmly I felt towards it IYKWIM? So I'm thinking of double-barrelling. I'll be graduating next year so really like the idea of my achievement being linked to my old name too, also will be returning to work in some form so feels like a good time to do it? Not sure if I should consider changing the DCs names too? Haven't discussed with DH but don't think he'd want to change his, which is fine. Are there any complications that I need to consider before proceeding? The only thing putting me off atm is the inevitable snarky comments from the in-laws, but I think I could ride that out if DH is def on board.

Actually, I'm also worried that DH will be hurt by it and see it as some form of rejection. Especially given the comments I've been making recently (in jest!) about running away and joining a feminist commune

Your DH might surprise you. I had a tradition-oriented wobble before we got married, and when I told DH I was pondering changing my surname he was very surprised.

He was also very understanding when I wanted DD to have my surname (DC2 will have his when s/he turns up) - he was a bit torn but he said he thought it mattered more to me than it did to him.

Hi Demis no advice really (I changed my name ) however thanks for your post because it's reminded me that I planned to change my name by deed poll so that my maiden name would become a middle name.... off to go and look for the forms.

Ooh I am also going to see Marriage of Figaro soon but not that soon! Is it Opera North? I've liked some other productions of theirs that I've seen .

Now I shall go and check out the pink coat...

No advice here either Demis. I didn't change my name but DC have DH's surname.

trev Not opera north. ENO. Fiona Shaw production, apparently. But I'm so ignorant about opera... But Figaro today, Wagner tomorrow! Onwards and upwards! (Hah!) I meant to take DC to a production of Wagner's opera without the music ( Basically Norse mythology, I guess) at the city hall in London in the summer but there wasn't enough time ...

FuckOffFerret thanks so much for that link about the Indian space programme. Flipping brilliant

I changed my name and regret it now too. Dh has said he will feel bad if I change it and while normally I can logic him around to the feminist way of thought he seems to be taking this quite personally. So far the main reason I haven't done it anyway is that the children have his surname and I don't want a different one from them. I could double barell but it seems unfair to change their names at this point as now they will have to do extra paperwork. But maybe I'm being a bit silly? I think to be honest I changed it because I feel bad for Dh as he wanted me to now regret it and am just too fucking lazy to change it.

Also considered just changing dd's name and mine and leaving boys same as their dads. Starting a tradition that way?

So great huh? :)

Ooh upto I am ignorant too! But in the past few years have been to the Opera North things that come to my town. Including the Ring Cycle! (Pretty tough going in parts but canny good overall). YY Norse mythology. I used to have this

book for bedtime stories when I was little so I felt like I knew what was happening.
The tales are not very feminist at all but the Valkyries are fricking awesome in full voice

I did just that thing, Demis. I changed my name when I got married cos my surname was a pain in the arse (unusual and not spelled how it's pronounced so no-one ever got it right) - yes, that old chestnut!

Anyway, I used both name on Facebook (without a hyphen) so that people who knew me pre-marriage could find me. And like you, I found myself warming to the name and wanting to use it in real life. So I started to use it for online shopping etc, to test the waters. DH made a face at first and muttered something about "rejecting" his name. I gave him a stern talking-to about how his name was still bloody there but I didn't see him volunteering to take my name, and he shut up after that.

Then I got a deed-poll done, and a new passport, so it's legal now. It was really easy. I haven't changed with banks, NHS or anything else official yet (I'm waiting for my anticipated change of title so I can do it all at once) but I feel much more comfortable in my double-barrelled identity.

Oh, and like you, I wanted my academic achievements linked to my surname. DH comes from an academic family so there are plenty of papers out there with his name on. But none with mine, so I wanted it to have a little fame and recognition too. I have changed my name with my university so that when I get my degree it will be with my double-barrelled name.

Plus, when cold callers phone asking for Mrs DHname, I can honestly tell them there's no such person, but that they probably mean me as I'm married to Mr DHname, which is great fun. I got one to hang up on me the other day I confused him so much! .

"canny good"

10 years ago i moved to newcastle. i do miss it

Thanks for your replies everyone. Annie - what name do your children have? I don't think I would want to change my DC's surname as it would be a PITA for them (both names seem to require spelling out loud to people), but I wonder how my 8 yo DD1 would feel about me having a different surname (other two DCs are too small to care right now, I think)? I don't think I'd mind still being verbally called Mrs. Roussos by teachers etc.

The more I think about it the more important it becomes. I didn't have a great relationship with my family and was pretty miserable as a teen/young adult so was quite happy to ditch the name when I got married. But I've built new relationships with my folks and have kind of reconciled myself with things that happened and the person I was, this feels like part of that process - recognising that who I was is still a really important part of who I am now. Hmm, much to think about...

Norse myth are a bit . Monsters galore.

My Mythologies for Dummies had a line about how these gods can take various shapes and have sex with humans and then you never know what the offsprings will look like. Imagine posting on MN : had sex with person in good faith and now ended up with offspring who will cause the end of the world. AIBU to be pissed off.

I'll see what this opera is like before deciding on whether to get into opera.

Annie If I have to rate junk calls the ones that ask for Mrs DHname ones are the most entertaining.

I corrected the HT of school for calling me Mrs DHname and insisted upon the correct title.

Now you've got me thinking Demis.
At the moment we are:
Me Mysurname
DH DHsurname
DD DHsurname Mysurname
DC2 will be DC2 Mysurname DHsurname if and when DC2 happens...

Maybe we should deed poll to be:
Me DHsurname Mysurname
DH Mysurname DHsurname
?

Certainly that way we're all a "family" as far as unified names goes, but without double-barreling (cannot be done with our names, it makes a terrible tongue twister) and sharing the admin burden of deed poll and everyone gets to keep their name.

Hmm.

The DDs have DH's name at the moment as that was also my name when they were born. DD1 has said she'd like to have both, but I don't' want to inflict two hard-to-spell names on them at this stage. I boggle at how often people are confused by DH's four letter very simple (so I thought) name. But if she still wants to change later, I'd support her.

I wish DH would change his, but he's not interested (hence me pointing out he has zero legs to stand on when commenting on whether or not I use his name).

It all very confusing, and I wish there was a simple way to be equitable but also keep families with the same name. I do find it annoying that I have to be odd one out just to keep my own name.

I know a family who had various different surnames with step children who had become adopted children, the woman was bearing the married name of her ex, etc. When the man and woman had been married a couple of years, their children at school etc the whole "why don't we have the same surname" thing erupted and they solved it by just picking a really cool short one syllable word and making it their surname - all of theirs - by deedpoll. Such a great way to choose / create a family identity! but it still has issues, for both adults, that if you have a professional or other identity that is important to you, you lose it.

I also know someone who got married, shilly-shallied about changing her surname because she didn't really want to (though didn't admit it) and her husband booked a holiday in her "new" name (that she had in no way adopted) and forced her to change her paperwork in order to be able to go. She did it! I would have said "I hope you have a lovely holiday with Mrs X, whoever that is. I'm staying at home"

One of the things I find really annoying about the assumption that women will change to their husband's name (and I know this is petty, but I am petty about the constant drip drip drip of demands on women's time) is that marrying does not change your name. It just gives you the right to change your name, but still lands you with the administrative faff of doing so, which is a lot of work if you have a few bank accounts and ID documents which of course everyone does. Legally, there is absolutely nothing to stop you doing absolutely bugger all, and yet so few women feel able to do so.