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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

What should you do if somebody grabs your ass in a club?

48 replies

Annie11111 · 05/08/2014 09:31

I've always wondered what the appropriate reaction would be. The couple of times it happened to me I just ignored it or walked away.

OP posts:
BravePotato · 05/08/2014 09:33

K

BravePotato · 05/08/2014 09:34

Knee them

JeffTheGodOfBiscuits · 05/08/2014 09:34

Swift elbow. Or turning round and shaming by calling them out on it.

FurryDogMother · 05/08/2014 09:36

Grab them by the balls and hiss 'next time you do that, I'll rip them off', smile sweetly, and continue with your evening :)

juliascurr · 05/08/2014 09:38

report to bouncers, then council licensing dept
you were sexually assaulted - why do they get to keep their license if women are not protected there? they should bar gropers & harassers and advertise that fact

SevenZarkSeven · 05/08/2014 10:01

In practice I never did anything.

I guess it depends on the situation, sometimes a smart response will work - , although a lot of men will laugh in your face and/or they are looking for a reaction so even a poor one is a win for them. Other times it might escalate and you don't need to end up in a stand up for our get thumped.

Difficult one to answer. I don't think most bouncers would give a fuck either would they? Maybe things have changed since my clubbing days, would be good if they have!

Panzee · 05/08/2014 10:03

Once someone did it to me and I threw my lit fag end over my shoulder... Blush

Picklepest · 05/08/2014 10:06

I generally found "as if" made me feel better. Problem is with drink it escalates fast to aggression. Particularly if a group of blokes 'larking' around.

Just gotta take every situation on own merit. Not a one answer fits all I guess...

13Stitches · 05/08/2014 10:07

Back in the olden days when I used to actually go out this happened too often. I was more naive tolerant then, but would usually be able to move quick enough to grab the offending hand, turn and shake it in the offenders face whilst giving them the crazy eye.

If it happened now ahahahahah, oh as if I'd grab his balls and squeeze until an agreement was reached.

Branleuse · 05/08/2014 10:18

tell them to keep their hands to themselves??
tell the bouncer that someone keeps trying to touch you up?

whatever you feel appropriate or comfortable with really. Theres no should about it

Original poster
Annie11111 · 05/08/2014 10:22

Yeah I probably should have reported it to the bouncers although I don't know if they'd actually do anything about it.

To the violent reactions posters, I assume you'd be fine with a man reacting the same way if a woman grabbed his ass. Or if it was a woman grabbing a woman.

OP posts:
SevenZarkSeven · 05/08/2014 10:23

Thing is that the whole responding with violence thing could well lead to you being beaten up our arrested!

The best thing would be if blokes didn't go around sexually assaulting females of course. That would be absolutely lovely :)

It might also help if girls and women weren't socialised to put up and shut up and bit make a fuss and laugh it off, if we reacted as a group when this happened with disgust. Even more effective would be if men reacted that way when other men did it.

ChunkyPickle · 05/08/2014 10:28

I my pubbing days I'd turn around and give them a push with a loud 'HEY' - purely by instinct rather than plan.

Personally I think that is an acceptable response - if someone grabs you (and in my experience it's never gentle - it's always a hard squeeze) then pushing them away is proportional self-defence.

If I went and squeezed a stranger's bum (which I never would) then I'd expect at least that in response.

HesterShaw · 05/08/2014 10:28

To the violent reactions posters, I assume you'd be fine with a man reacting the same way if a woman grabbed his ass. Or if it was a woman grabbing a woman.

Yes.

SevenZarkSeven · 05/08/2014 10:29

I have never known a woman or girl react with violence to a man sexually assaulting her in a club or pub, I have never seen that happen or some it myself, so you don't need to worry.

Most women and girls don't know how to react to sexual assault and so ignore it as per the op. So you don't need to worry.

Men can get very aggressive when challenged even verbally about this type of behaviour, and women are usually smaller and thus physically intimidated.

Out of interest what level of sexual assault would it be reasonable to react to with violence? I've never tried it myself so it's more if a theoretical question I suppose.

KissesBreakingWave · 05/08/2014 10:31

Annie1111 Women do, with enough drink down them, do this. It is ... mildly annoying.

Since I'm somewhat north of six foot and work out a lot, there's no need of violence, growling 'give over' generally stops it. The power imbalance is hugely in my favour so there's no call for anything more.

If you're outnumbered/outweighted then yes, hit first, hit hard and go for the vulnerable points. Most women are outmatched in such a situation and if they want to defend themselves aggressively, I don't have any issue with it. I would recommend getting some training in the matter though. There are far funnier things to do to an assailant than just a simple crotch-grab.

NeoFaust · 05/08/2014 10:31

My girlfriend grabs the offending extremity in a (painful) wrist lock, then lifts it up and yells "Does this belong to anyone?"

Tends to lead to laughter and an ashamed individual fleeing the scene, or bent over and whimpering if he struggles.

SevenZarkSeven · 05/08/2014 10:32

That post actually seems to say that girls and women should not react violently when they are sexually assaulted, that it would be out of line to do so.

Why?

littlemslazybones · 05/08/2014 10:36

In a bar, are you wearing heels? I'd recommend a well placed passive aggressive step back.

Victrix · 05/08/2014 10:36

I threatened to rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.

He only looked mildly confused, I was disappointed by his reaction Grin

ChunkyPickle · 05/08/2014 10:38

Kisses - exactly, all this 'equal rights/equal fights' nonsense conveniently forgets that pairing a 6' 200lber against a 5'4 140lber isn't an equal fight

Otherwise we wouldn't separate MMA/Boxing up into weight categories (I've seen a couple of japanese MMA fights where they've purposefully mis-matched weight classes and it's not pretty)

cailindana · 05/08/2014 10:41

I tend to be a bit of a daydreamer and was bum-grabbed once in a busy pub. I was a bit wtf? and turned around and smiled and asked my (female) friend if she had done it. She said no and then a random bloke next to her did this grin, all pleased with himself. My face must have fallen and I just said "oh" and he looked like I'd hit him! His friends fell about laughing. I think it was because I looked disappointed and a bit disgusted, he was really hurt. My friend was much amused.
For harassment in general, I find, a low-key disgusted/disappointed response usually works the best. For verbal harassment acting like they don't exist really works, it totally takes the wind out of a guy's sails you completely ignore him. If necessary, ignore while getting help.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 05/08/2014 10:46

Annie - then that woman would also be committing a sexual assault. Responding to an assault with proportionate self defence is, I believe, allowed under UK law.

CiderwithBuda · 05/08/2014 10:50

Happend to me last week on holiday. I turned around to the guy behind me - young blond guy - and said Fuck off and if you do it again I will knee you in the balls. He said it wasn't him and points to another - much older - guy in their group. And he said if the guy did it again I should knee him. It seemd to be a family group and I think the young guy was embarrassed by the other guy. In fact I think the older guy did it and then moved away quickly leaving the younger guy to take the blame.

Also recently out with some friends in a club and a young guy did it to one of my friends. I told him not to be rude and to keep his hands to himself. He laughed. But one of his friends came up to me and said 'sorry - he can be an idiot and we are all waiting till he gets his face slapped one day".

Snowfedup · 05/08/2014 10:55

if it was a playful cheek squeeze i would look to make sure it wasnt my husband or a friend, if not they would be told to F off.

I once full on slapped a mans face when he reached right under for a feel, it certainly got the bouncers attention as he fell over from the force of it and they carted him out, i told them what happened and he got a ban out of it too !