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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Why would you be proud to be married?

261 replies

Grennie · 03/11/2013 18:06

I am just trying to understand this from a feminist perspective. Why would a woman under patriarchy be proud to be married?

OP posts:
ladyantigone · 04/11/2013 10:03

(legal protection when children come along, I mean, not legal protection for me....sheesh...)

DadWasHere · 04/11/2013 11:13

Single women who choose to be single are the happiest group of women.

So why not choose to be single again yourself and so be even happier than you are now?

Original poster
Grennie · 04/11/2013 11:24

That is statistically the case dad.

OP posts:
lighthousesea · 04/11/2013 11:58

Well in my case Dad, I was very happy single and then met a man who made my happiness beyond measure.

I know I can be happy and content single. However, I could not be more proud to be married to this wonderful man.

It's pretty simple, if you don't understand why people get married and are proud to be committed in this way, then don't get married....

Geckos48 · 04/11/2013 12:03

There may be a difference, but it is a very pedantic one and would have been easily qualified by ASKING me what I meant, rather than assuming what I mean.

BuffytheAnyAppleFucker · 04/11/2013 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PacificDogwood · 04/11/2013 12:56

Do men speak of being proud to be married?

No, they don't. Not as a rule.

DuckToWater · 04/11/2013 13:02

I wouldn't say I was proud to be married but there is also nothing to be ashamed of in being a feminist and married, or indeed, I would argue, changing your name.

FreeWee · 04/11/2013 13:12

I'm proud to be married because it reflects my commitment to my husband, that I can, am able and want to spend the rest of my life with him. It reflects my ability to find someone who thinks I'm worth spending the rest of their life with. It reflects my ability to make a good choice when people meet my lovely husband; shows I can be trusted with important decisions. And I'm proud because I do think finding someone special is an achievement that I have achieved.

Now that's not to say someone else who has been together equally as long cannot feel all the things I feel above. They absolutely can, without a ring and a ceremony to 'prove' it. But my way of reflecting how strongly I feel about my husband was to marry him. Other people may want to show their feelings and commitment in different ways. My husband doesn't buy me flowers but demonstrates his love in different ways; so people can demonstrate their feelings in different ways. Mine it to be married and to be proud of my decision.

SigmundFraude · 04/11/2013 13:34

'No, they don't. Not as a rule.'

I don't really see how you could know that, unless you're only talking about the men you know.

PacificDogwood · 04/11/2013 13:39

Yes, Sigmund.

AnnieLobeseder · 04/11/2013 13:57

lighthousesea, you said "It's pretty simple, if you don't understand why people get married and are proud to be committed in this way, then don't get married...."

I understand why people get married. I am married. And I'm proud of the strong relationship DH and I have built. But I'm not proud to be married. Any fool can say wedding vows, and bitterly unhappy couples can be married. The legal situation bears no reflection on the actual state of a relationship.

I would argue that being married reflects nothing, in opposition to what FreeWee said. Your fantastic relationship probably reflects all those things you said to the people who know you. Not the ring on your finger.

SigmundFraude · 04/11/2013 14:21

I'm not proud to be married, more suprised really, as I'm a bit of a commitment phobe. I'm proud I haven't run away!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 04/11/2013 16:46

All this talk of " being comitted" makes me think of old fashioned mental Institutions!
Talking of comitment phobes..

nkf · 04/11/2013 19:52

I love the phrase "Ms." It used to be so hard for people to say and it was fun seeing what a fuss people (old men) made of it. And now, in many places it's the norm. I'd like to see Miss and Mrs go. And it will. Except in backwaters. And I don't want to live there.

WhentheRed · 04/11/2013 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SigmundFraude · 04/11/2013 20:19

Bit too subtle IfNot

kilmuir · 04/11/2013 20:20

Why not be proud that you are in a happy relationship.

MiniTheMinx · 04/11/2013 20:31

oh nooo. I don't want to see Miss go, I like being a Miss. It surprises people and it makes me feel young every time I write it down or tick the box, I love it.

nkf · 04/11/2013 20:35

Being in a happy relationship is not the same as being married. A good relationship is not the same as a marriage.

I can't remember who said it up thread but someone made the very good point that when people say they are proud of being married, they are usually proud of their own particular marriage and nobody has said a word about that.

But this marriage is a good thing, something to achieve, something to feel a failure if you don't achieve is something different. And not being able to see what marriage can mean for women in some countries and what it has meant for women historically, is beyond most of the people on this thread.

This is MN and so on and on people will go. About their lovely DH and their ups and downs and what troopers they all are. Blah blah. As if the only marriage in the world is theirs and there isn't an institution called marriage that exists outside their own experiences. And that there are many many women around the world and throughout history whose experiences of marriage was and is very very different to their set up.

And they'll go, "I don't care what other people do" but what they really mean is they only notice their own individual experiences. And that's all they can speak about. And they're so dull and pinheaded they think that's good enough.

It's depressing really.

MissMiniTheMinx · 04/11/2013 20:44

That's a good summing up. Could apply to so many areas of life though. People have become increasingly blinkered, isolated and individual that they are quite unable to think politically, analytically or philosophically. Abstractions, patterns and generalisations are seen as getting in the way of their own conception of self, which is now more important than any relationship they have to others and society in general.

FamiliesShareGerms · 04/11/2013 21:25

I find it a bit depressing that having been asked "why would you be proud to be married", those of us who have answered have been told variously on this thread that we are actuallynproud of our relationship; that being married is not an achievement; that because marriage is used in many countries / cultures as a form of female subjugation we shouldn't be proud to participate in it... And we are dull pinheads too.

Is it really so hard to imagine that some of us are proud to be married and proud of our marriage; got married for more than the bit of paper; and are also committed feminists? Why isn't it acceptable to redefine an institution through personal participation, rather than a refusal to engage? Why is the only acceptable position to be allowed to be proud of a marriage but not the fact of being married?

SatinSandals · 04/11/2013 21:53

Because when OP starts a thread you are supposed to agree! They don't want dissenters.
Unlike WhenTheRed I hardly ever come across anyone who uses Ms. However I love living in a backwater and don't intend ever living anywhere else.

kilmuir · 04/11/2013 22:42

Feminists usually end up on their own. How dare an educated woman possibly be happy in a marriage? I am, i am in an equal relationship, not downtrodden blah bah. Yawn, yawn

PacificDogwood · 04/11/2013 22:51

No, 'they' Hmm want intelligent debate that goes beyond everybody's individual experience.

Never mind.

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