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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Why would you be proud to be married?

261 replies

Grennie · 03/11/2013 18:06

I am just trying to understand this from a feminist perspective. Why would a woman under patriarchy be proud to be married?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grennie · 03/11/2013 19:59

HRH - It wasnt about that thread. It just made me think about this issue from a feminist perspective. And that is the perspective I want to analyse it from.

OP posts:
Geckos48 · 03/11/2013 20:01

Being divorced and picking yourself up and getting on with your life is also an achievement

divorcing an arsehole is an achievement

being proud of those things doesnt mean you look down on people who haven't done them, it just means that YOU are proud of them.

SirChenjin · 03/11/2013 20:03

"I saw a few women on that other thread saying they were proud to be married. It wasn't only the OP. And I just thought it was strange"

It seems from what you said earlier that you were more intent on analyse other people's posts from the perspective of finding it 'strange' rather than from a feminist perspective.

PacificDogwood · 03/11/2013 20:03

I suppose I don't go on about 'feeling proud to be married' in RL - that would be cringeworthy and v 'smug married'ish, yuck.

I don't think that the status 'married' has lost all its allure for women yet otherwise the wedding industry wouldn't continue to go from strength to strength Hmm. Look at all the threads on here about wedding lists/guest dilemmas/with or without kids/cars/cakes/cateteres/dress etc etc, people saying they 'cannot afford to get married' - all that guff.

'Tis a bugbear of mine that some people confuse 'wedding' with 'marriage' - one may lead to the other, but they are not interchangeable. And a massive wedding is not prerequisite for a happy marriage.

SirChenjin · 03/11/2013 20:04

analysing/them

FloraFox · 03/11/2013 20:04

The women I know who would describe themselves as proud to be married tend to come from conservative backgrounds where marriage is considered to be the pinnacle of achievement for a woman. And by achievement, I mean walking down the aisle with a man, not 20 years of partnership and support. When my DPs separated, my DM was an object of pity even from women whose husbands beat them because at least they had a man. I think a lot of women still get these messages that they have achieved something by bagging a man. Hmm

HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 20:04

Grennie...but you did take the concept from that thread and so need to keep it in context if you are to achieving the understanding you say you are looking for. Otherwise, the question is at best abstract and at worst superficial and provocative.

PacificDogwood · 03/11/2013 20:05

Yy Flora, sad but true.

plinkyplonks · 03/11/2013 20:06

NoArmaniNoPunani "I don't agree. What does that mean for people who are divorced? Do you think they've somehow failed?"

No, it just means that people value it even more when two people manage to make the relationship work, stay happy and true to themselves for a long period of time.

I know people who have been married for 50 years? Why shouldn't they be proud for making their marriage work for 50 years? I feel sad that some people here think it's OK to define what others should feel proud about.

Marriage doesn't have to be oppressive against women/men or a cage. Marriage can equally be an 'enabler' for people to thrive in a loving, caring and secure relationship. I don't see why women should feel guilty for being proud of their marriage, their decision to get married, their position as a wife/partner?

HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 20:08

Beautifully expressed Plinkyplonks! x

youngblowfish · 03/11/2013 20:08

I am married. It was a sexist solution to a sexist problem (namely ensuring that my children and I would not be left destitute should things go awry) but I did not have the time nor the inclination to draw up a plethora of separate legal documents. I still resent it as I dislike contributing to marriage being an enduring patriarchal socio-historical institution, but I am hopeful that it is slowly changing through moves such as allowing same sex couples to marry.

Having said that, I love DP and I am very happy in a relationship with him. But it has nothing to do with marriage.

FunnyFadge · 03/11/2013 20:11

I am married and proud of it. I am happy that my husband and I have made a spiritual, legal and loving commitment to one another. I am proud to call him my husband. I am proud because we have been through some tough times and staying together, working through our issues and coming out stronger is something we are proud about. The terms boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did not seem enough. I don't care for the historical context of marriage. My husband does not own or define me. Neither do I own or define him. We are equals in our relationship, he encourages me to be a happier, healthier person and he encourages me to achieve my goals and ambitions as do I for him. The law may define what marriage is legally, but we defined our own marriage. For me, marriage is a partnership and commitment to each other through good times and bad times, with the legal and social benefits it gives us.

^^
This is practically what I wanted to say. I'm proud to be married. I'm not bothered who knows it. Don't like the idea of marriage, don't do it.

HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 20:12

Hurrah!

MiniTheMinx · 03/11/2013 20:14

FunnyFadge, could you define what you mean by legal and social benefits?

PacificDogwood · 03/11/2013 20:14

It was a sexist solution to a sexist problem (namely ensuring that my children and I would not be left destitute should things go awry)

Yep.

Original poster
Grennie · 03/11/2013 20:15

HRH - My post may have been clumsily written. But of course I wanted a feminist perspective on it. Otherwise why would I have posted it in feminism section.

OP posts:
HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 20:17

I didn't say you didn't but surely you needed to understand the quote in its original context first??

HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 20:18

Perhaps your view of what constitutes Feminism is a little narrow?

Geckos48 · 03/11/2013 20:19

What constitutes a 'feminist perspective' in your eyes?

SolidGoldBrass · 03/11/2013 20:19

I'm proud that I have never married, because in a world where women are still mostly only taken seriously if they have 'caught' a man (ie allowed one to take ownership of them) it's quite an achievement to have a) escaped the trap and b) made a good and happy life without engaging in heteromonogamy.

MiniTheMinx · 03/11/2013 20:20

Hurrah!

SirChenjin · 03/11/2013 20:22

Fine - horses for courses and all that. One person's choice does not trump another's...

NoComet · 03/11/2013 20:23

Because in a world where people treat me as the fall guy, the butt of their jokes, I can smile and say some body loves me and has done for 25 years, so there!

Geckos48 · 03/11/2013 20:26

I got married because for the legal benefits it brings I would have had to pay lots more in solicitors fees.

It makes things a lot easier as far as children go.

MiniTheMinx · 03/11/2013 20:28

Its that word choice again?

Has marriage always been a choice?

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