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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Why would you be proud to be married?

261 replies

Grennie · 03/11/2013 18:06

I am just trying to understand this from a feminist perspective. Why would a woman under patriarchy be proud to be married?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grennie · 03/11/2013 19:43

Sir - I wanted a feminist analysis of this. That is why I posted it here. And I am not going to justify it again. If you are unhappy with this thread, please just leave it.

OP posts:
BlackberrySeason · 03/11/2013 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Grennie · 03/11/2013 19:43

HRH - X post. Read my last comment.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 03/11/2013 19:43

I love my DH and I'm very happy to be married to him but I wouldn't say I'm proud to be married. It's not an achievement

Geckos48 · 03/11/2013 19:43

being in a long-term, healthy relationship IS an achievement

BlackberrySeason · 03/11/2013 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExcuseTypos · 03/11/2013 19:46

I'm married and like but I'd never say I was proud of it.

I'm proud of our relationship, but not of being married.

SirChenjin · 03/11/2013 19:46

No, I won't leave it - it's an open forum and it's not up to you to dictate who takes part or doesn't, that's not how MN works.

So - are you any clearer as to why the people on the other thread might have said they were proud to be married?

PacificDogwood · 03/11/2013 19:46

I got married for many and varied reasons, one of them that it was the 'done thing' at a certain point in your life, so nothing to be particularly proud of as an achievement.
The legal side of it was purely practical: we had been talking about having children and as the Law stood/stands there IS more protection for married couples than for those in any other relationship. I don't think that is right, but that is as it stands.

I hate the notion of the woman as the husband's 'chattel' which is why I struggled with my dad 'giving me away' Hmm. I let him because it ment a lot to him.

So, no, on reflection I am not particularly proud to be married, but I am quite happy to be.

ExcuseTypos · 03/11/2013 19:47

like it

MiniTheMinx · 03/11/2013 19:48

MistAllChuckingFrighty, yy esp the idea that some people are smug because they chose well. No luck involved? it was completely within their control, as is everything else in their life and they know with absolute certainty that their husband will never run off or misbehave.

Its a little like saying that the free market can be played to ones own advantage if you work hard and you are very bright. All those who have to claim benefits are just not trying hard enough. Individual self centred narcissism gone mad!

BelaLugosisShed · 03/11/2013 19:49

I think a long and happy marriage is quite an achievement, I'm as proud of my marriage as I am of my Daughter.

BelaLugosisShed · 03/11/2013 19:52

I am smug - because I "chose well" , and, what of it?

Geckos48 · 03/11/2013 19:52

For some people getting out of bed is an achievement, who are you (or anyone else) to say what should or shouldnt be considered an achievement?

YesterdayI · 03/11/2013 19:53

I am proud to be happy but I would probably be proud to be single. I would also be proud to be married to another woman. I guess I dont have self esteem issues Grin

I have been with my DH for 30 years and I was 18 when we first lived together. I AM proud of that. It doesn't just happen by magic - you have to make it work. I do however realise that there is some luck involved and I don't look down on people who are not married or who have been divorced.

Grennie you say that you guess people who say they are proud to be married have bought into the idea that marriage is the pinnacle of ambition for every woman. Really? That's a bit of a leap. I bet you can't find one person that thinks that. Hmm

Original poster
Grennie · 03/11/2013 19:54

I have been with my partner for 22 years and we are very happy. But I actually don't see it as an achievement. We enjoy being together and love each other, that is why we are still together.

We don't talk about being proud of maintaining other good long term relationships. I have never heard someone say I am so proud we have been good friends for 20 years. Or I am proud I have a great relationship with my mother.

So I think there is more going on here.

OP posts:
HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 19:54

Read it....and no, I don't mean that my marriage is an achievement or an aim in my life. I was not a young woman who felt I needed to be married to validate or complete my existence. I adore my Husband and feel that sharing our life together, as equals, is something to be treasured. I totally accept that this is not the right path for everyone and probably wouldn't have been for me with anyone other than my Husband.
The original thread was about one woman who felt it was important to have her Husband referred to, my medical professionals, as her Husband and not as her Partner. I agreed that it was a reasonable expectation having made a polite request. It is a fact that the man I am married to is my Husband and I am his wife. Life is simpler when we call a spade a spade!

PacificDogwood · 03/11/2013 19:55

Is this about why people on the other thread said they were proud to be married, or how marriage within patriarchal society can make people proud? Confused.

I suspect that semantics do come into it and that many of us say 'marriage' as shorthand for 'successful longterm committed relationship'.

I did not read the other thread btw, so feel free to ignore me Grin.

I am happy to call other people's Significant Other whatever the hell they want me to call them.

PacificDogwood · 03/11/2013 19:56

Grennie, I disagree: I think people are rightly proud to maintain longterm friendships or good relationships with their parents or whoever.

ginmakesitallok · 03/11/2013 19:57

I'm proud of my dp, I'm proud of our children, I'm proud that dp is committed to me. But I'm not ashamed of not being married.

I think it's a "pride" in being married that often kept women in unhappy marriages. Being "married" is nothing to be proud of in and of itself.

plinkyplonks · 03/11/2013 19:57

I am married and proud of it. I am happy that my husband and I have made a spiritual, legal and loving commitment to one another. I am proud to call him my husband. I am proud because we have been through some tough times and staying together, working through our issues and coming out stronger is something we are proud about. The terms boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did not seem enough. I don't care for the historical context of marriage. My husband does not own or define me. Neither do I own or define him. We are equals in our relationship, he encourages me to be a happier, healthier person and he encourages me to achieve my goals and ambitions as do I for him. The law may define what marriage is legally, but we defined our own marriage. For me, marriage is a partnership and commitment to each other through good times and bad times, with the legal and social benefits it gives us.

HRHLadyG · 03/11/2013 19:57

Grennie.... having been one of the earlier posters who used the word 'proud'..... please rest assured that, for me, there is nothing 'more going on here'.

MiniTheMinx · 03/11/2013 19:58

Since when did a "feminist perspective" come to mean highly individualised personalised experience alone and nothing else?
Since neoliberalism and the subsuming of feminism into a liberal mainstream movement about individual choice and self actualisation. So now we are only allowed to say "yep good for you, individual choice all the way and stuff the politics"

What is feminism...anything you want it to be, it would seem.

ginmakesitallok · 03/11/2013 19:59

Pacific, if anything you should be more proud of a long term friendship or unmarried relationship. In those relationships its not the legality of marriage holding it together....

NoArmaniNoPunani · 03/11/2013 19:59

being in a long-term, healthy relationship IS an achievement

I don't agree. What does that mean for people who are divorced? Do you think they've somehow failed?