Lapdancing and telling off dh's mate.

[Manchesterhistorygirl]

I blame you lot. Thanks.

Last night dh's friend was telling him all about his recent visit to a lap dancing bar. I told him he and his mates were a bunch of twats and I was disgusted at them all, especially since they all have partners.

I also told dh if I ever found out he'd done the same it'd be the absolute last thing he ever did.

So my nest of vipers, thank you for giving me the confidence to handle a situation I've always found disgusting, but wouldn't have ever spoken out about until I joined here.

[Thecatisatwat]

Although if the person concerned is as thick as pigshit it doesn't always work!

[BelleDameSansMerci]

I can't speak for Buffy (although others seem to believe they can) but there appears to be a level of deliberate misunderstanding which I construed as goading.

[Yougotbale]

Buffy - ok. Using the thread as the example:

1. If you don't do as I want. It'll be the last thing you do. (I'll murder you).

1. If you don't do as I want. I'll get a man to come and rape you.

I find both very offensive and equally dangerous and controlling. Even if they are said as jokes. I'm interested in your views on these.

[reelingintheyears]

I think you're deliberately misunderstanding the first sentence YouGotBale.
It is a commonly used figure of speech, maybe she meant it would be the last thing he'd do while they remained together, maybe the OP would see it as a deal breaker.
The second sentence doesn't seem to have any relevance to this thread ( to me anyway) and is certainly a much nastier thing to say.

[Yougotbale]

Belle - that's cool. You misunderstood me. No probs.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

I'm with you YouGot. Telling the friend he's a tosser is fine, saying you won't stay with a partner who goes to a strip club also fine, but joking about murdering your partner is never fine.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

X-ray post it is a commonly used figure if speech, but its one which minimises dv.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Ffs. X-post

[Yougotbale]

Reeling - I interpreted it as meaning you won't do anything again. Death. So trying to control someone through threatening them.

[scallopsrgreat]

Oh FFS. Manchester has threatened to kill anyone. And nor does she want to kill her DH.

People are being deliberately disingenuous here and deliberately derailing.

I do notice how a woman expresses an opinion and observation on someone's behaviour (together with a common figure of speech) and gets called controlling and abusive. A man comes on here and suggests how she should have behaved and that doesn't get picked up at all by the same goady brigade.

As an aside I personally took it as it would be the last thing he did in the context of their marriage i.e. it was a boundary she was setting (but no doubt setting boundaries is controlling and abusive too. After all it wouldn't do for women to actually state what they are happy/unhappy with). But hey ho.

[reelingintheyears]

I didn't, I read it as something lots of people say when they are irritated and annoyed.
Lots of people say 'i'd murder him/her if she/he did ''whatever'' '

Doesn't mean they're going to do it. It is a figure of speech.

I have never heard anyone say they're going to get a man to come and rape you if you don't do what they want.

[scallopsrgreat]

That should say Manchester hasn't, obviously!

[Thecatisatwat]

See I find 2) more threatening because 1) I associate with (perhaps) a mum shouting without thinking at a teenage daughter who is threatening to get her boyfriend's name tatooed across her arse whereas 2) seems to be a calculated attempt to scare me as a woman.

2) is very specific. 1) could be the last thing you do ..... before we get divorced, before you move into the spare room, anything really, it's that non-specific.

[scallopsrgreat]

Yes me too thecatisatwat

[reelingintheyears]

Well exactly, Scallops and TheCat.

[reelingintheyears]

maybe the OP would like to tell us if she really means to kill her DP if he ever goes to a lap dancing club.

Bloody nonsense.

[Yougotbale]

I'd disagree but that's just my opinion. I would say its abusive, again my opinion.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

It's a figure of speech - to try and make out that in this context it's threatening or abusive is ridiculous.

It's like the "AIBU to kill dh for eating my Terry's chocolate orange" debacle all over again.

[ArmyDad]

1. I don't think that the OP was controlling - what people find a deal breaker is between them. My issue was with "telling off" of the friend. I wouldn't tell off my wives friends based on my beliefs

1. "last thing he'll ever do" I don't think anyone will die somehow

[Yougotbale]

Sab - was that dawn French? No wonder Lenny left for a hotel

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Is that your attempt at a joke, yougotbale? Don't give up the day job, will you.

[Yougotbale]

Sab - no it was a question. So was it her?

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Was Dawn French the OP on the choc orange AIBU thread? Could have been, I suppose. But unlikely I would think.

[reelingintheyears]

I wouldn't tell anyone off apart from my kids. maybe OPs choice of descriptive words of the situation where unwise.

However, I would still voice my opinion of their behaviour in front of them and DP.

The ''last thing you do'' comment is neither here nor there, it's between them if OP sees it as a deal breaker.