Hi all, it's my first time posting in this section and I'm not sure if I'm overeacting about this. This morning on 'This Morning' there was a woman on talking about having a very difficut birth which contibuted to her having pnd. The whole focus of the story was centred on how she didn't feel like having sex for fourteen months afterwards and how hard this would have been on her DH.
I understand that it was a relevant part of the story, but instead of focusing on how the lack of intimacy affected their relationship for both of them, Ruth Langsford, who I usually like, took the slant of her 'wifely duties' being neglected. She actually said something along the lines of "After adusting to becoming a mother you have to return to being a wife again". i.e. being a wife = providing your DH with sex 
And "Did you worry he would start to look elsewhere?". The women then went on to say that after having her second dc she lost control of her bladder meaning she leaked urine constantly before having operation to correct it. Ruth again brought up the point of 'no sex' saying, "Your DH probably thought "here we go again!" in a roll your eyes kind of manner. I felt more appropriate questions would have been "Is this a common probem?, hw did you manage; pads etc? It must have been hard for your DH to see you suffer like this ?"
I suffered from PND myself and I can only imagine how difficult it would be care for a new baby while having no control over your bladder, it made me really mad that the whole conversation focused around her poor DH not being able to have sex with her. Would love to here your thoughts on this... maybe I am looking too much into it but it scares me to think if I hadn't been reading the F/WR boards I may not have even noticed what a strange angle the story was being told from. (apologies for enormous post)
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions
This Morning
blackcurrantjan · 25/03/2013 15:08
MrsClown thank you for sharing 
Your ex-friend's attitude is an exact example of what I am talking about. Its such a paradox (not sure if thats the right word) 
'You should never marry a woman who has sex on the first date.' By that logic:
- Presumably a man who has sex with a woman on the first date wants to have sex. But he doesn't want the woman, who he wants to have sex with, to want to have sex with him
2)Why would a woman who has sex on the first date not make a suitable wife? Shock horror this woman might actually have sex because she enjoys sex !!!
she is not doing it to please her partner or as a reward to a prospective partner for showing interest in her for (insert suitable amount of time)? If she has sex because she likes it she will definitely cheat
That is the justifcation for female genital mutilation in some cultures; if a women doesn't enjoy sex she won't cheat on her husband.
While we're sharing, I had an ex with a similar outlook. While we were dating I had a greater sex drive than him 
. He used to say I was 'always horny' which I laughed off as a joke at first, until I went on a weeks holiday with my best friend, which had already been booked before we got together, and he spent the entire time checking up on me and sending me angry jealous messages using the fact that I was apparently 'always horny' as an excuse for not thrusting me. Sorry for TMI. It was only after I ended the relationship that I thought, would he have prefered if didn't like/instigate sex?
If only all men were like your DH.
Seriously though I don't think its just men that perpetuate this attitude. I remember growing when me and my DM (who I consider farely liberal) were having 'the talk' she said "when you start having sex don't sleep around or you will get a reputation amongst men". Other women I know were told similar things. I know that my DM was only looking out for me as was anyone else's parents who said similar things, but would it not be more productive for parents to teach their sons that its normal for women to want to have sex just as its normal for them, not teach their daughters that certain behaviour gives men an impression, thereby allowing 'impressions' to exist ? if that makes sense......
Also in womens magazines the 'advice' is always 'men love the chase' (as if women are prey ), 'if you have sex too soon they will loose interest'. By encouraging women to behave in a certain way to attract men they label women who don't behave in this way as 'cheap' or 'easy', and allow men to label them this way aswell. I wonder do men really 'love the chase' or is society telling them they 'love the chase' as a way of repressing women sexually?
Apologies for enourmas off topic post, just thinking outloud...
Thank you Darkest
Your story is really moving and thought provoking. I agree completely that women are always blamed for the lack of sex in a relationship. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with her DH for whatever reason; traumatic birth etc. like on This Morning her DH's needs are always the biggest concern. Like your article says if a man is not interested in sex it is assumed his DW must not be doing enough to arouse him. Her needs are not even condsidered, because of course sex isn't something women need, it's something they provide .Its either "what is wrong with her that she won't have sex with her husband or what is wrong with her that makes her husband not want to have sex with her.
Thankyou for your lovely comments blackcurrant. Im very touched 
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