Congratulating women on getting married

[Margerykemp]

Everyone I know seems to be getting married at the moment.

I tend not to be invited to the actual event (another thread) but the inevitable Facebook status changes and everyone else 'likes' that.

For others I'm more in touch with via text I feel I should acknowledge it but...

All of this sits uncomfortably with me. I am becoming increasingly anti-marriage. My heart sinks every time I see a woman change her name lose her identity.

And why does it seem compulsory to make the big white dress photo as your profile pic? Strangely the grooms don't...

I'm such an old cynic- I just think to myself that half of them will divorce eventually.

I don't tell anyone this but I feel like I'm lying about my beliefs when I approve this oppressive patriarchal institution.

I think they would just think I'm bitter ( I've been in a ltr longer than most brides)

How do other feminists handle their friends weddings?

I congratulate men and women on getting married.

They have found someone who they love and they want to declare it to the world.

Doesn't that deserve congratulations?

Not everyone changes their name when married, and not everyone thinks that even if you do you are in any way losing your identity.

Obviously you can ignore Facebook updates, there is no need to "like" something and nobody will notice if you don't.

If someone texts you with something that they are pleased about, it does seem churlish to fail to acknowledge it.

It used - for what extremely little it's worth - to be considered rude to 'congratulate' a woman on getting married. You congratulate the groom and 'felicitate' the bride. To do otherwise would imply she'd been shamelessly trying to bag a husband.

Most blokes I know change their pictures to a wedding one too, but I'm sure you're right women make it more of a 'thing'.

I dunno ... I am married, so possibly conflicted too, but I think so long as you like your mates, it doesn't matter - you don't need to agree with them on everything? If they are offended by your beliefs, that's their problem.

How do I handle it? I do them the courtesy of assuming they are intelligent enough to make decisions for themselves.

I suppose you just congratulate them without letting your views get in the way of your friendship. I feel the same way about christenings or baptisms or first communions for example, think it's all a load of bullshit myself but would never say that to someone who was doing it.

I'm a feminist and I'm married, I also changed my name. I haven't lost my sense of identity at all. I've been with DH for 18 years, I was Axl Maidename for 21 years but I fully expect to be Axl Marriedname for far longer even if I was to divorce.

Well, it depends on the circumstances really. Within the confines of a relationship, marriage now affords women a lot of protection as far as financial security is concerned, without the previous quid pro quo of being someone's personal sex object (since rape within marriage was outlawed).

Although I didn't give up my surname when I married, many of my friends did, and though I don't like it, that is my issue, not theirs.

There are probably a lot of women out there who have chosen not to get married because they feel it is oppressive, and yet leave themselves immensely financially vulnerable because they fail to do anything to protect themselves or because they believe in the non existent institution of common law marriage.

I generally handle them by going and having a bloody good time!

Finding someone you love and respect and who loves and respects you in return is a wonderful thing and should be celebrated.

To feel anything else smacks a little of sour grapes IMO.

IMO changing your name is, if anything, about having the identity that you have chosen rather than one that you were given.

Btw, not everyone changes their name.

There are some reasonably feminist arguments for marriage - legally, it protects the interests of the lower-earning partner, and, if you have children, the partner whose earnings take a dip for looking after children. Women more often fill those roles.

Half may end up getting divorced, but they would probably have split up with their partner even if they hadn't got married. It's not as if getting married is bad for relationships.

I haven't changed my name, neither do I use my wedding photos everywhere.

I met and married the man I love (well, 2nd time around anyway).

Why is varying the name of your father and all your male forefathers more feminist than carrying that of your partner?

We don't know that, trills - there's a possibility getting married is bad for relationships. You couldn't ever tell because you can't do a control group of people who both wanted to get married but didn't.

Certainly, we know married women are on average less happy than single women, while married men are happier than single men.

True LRD.

But if you take the attitude that "half will get divorced therefore getting married is a bad thing", some large (unmeasurable) percentage of relationships in general break up, so should that mean that you are not happy for someone who starts a new relationship?

Woah! Lots of defensiveness. My question is really only directed at people who ARE anti-marriage. Having a debate about marriage/name changing is for another thread.

If you are anti-marriage do you tell your married friends?

Well, I wouldn't feel that myself, but I think it's only part of MK's reasoning.

It depends how you feel ... I'd reckon a relationship (marriage or not) that breaks up isn't a failure or a disaster if people were more happy than not or learned something, or whatever. We all probably have ''good'' relationships in our pasts that still ended.

But if you feel strongly about how marriage is meant to be forever and then often proves not to be, maybe it's different?

Oh, okay then.

I'm not anti-marriage. Not in general.

I'll discuss why you are, if you like, and be open to exploring why marriage might not be a positive thing (because I agree that it isn't always)

But if you only want to talk to people who agree with you then I'll stop typing.

I am a staunch feminist that believes in marriage, so I am possibly the wrong person for your thread

It's a personal thing though. I have a good marriage, and wish it for others. I believe in marriage as an equal partnership (hetero, or same-sex), so I couldn't feel good about congratulating someone who wasn't in the same situation.

That would hold the same weight for any kind of relationship though. If it's a bad one, it's not due congratulations.

I'm quite anti-marriage (because of its historically oppressive, proprietal nature), but I got married because it was important to DH, and he is able to handle my ambivalence about my marital status and lack of wedding ring wearing etc.

That said, if it is important to another couple and they seem really happy together, want to get married etc, then what's not to congratulate? I honestly wish any marrying couple well, because I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone.

I got married for the legal protection of my dc's before I had them. So for that reason, I may not agree with it's premise, but I go along with it

I was lucky with my partner though (so far....) so it has enhanced my life. I am very well aware it doesn't have that effect for all women.

I don't object to marriage as a personal choice, but I do find its continuing centrality to our culture quite odd, and I can't bear all the romantic flummery around it. And all those OTT vows, which in practice very few people keep to the letter... but I guess the point is that the saying of the vows binds a couple closer together?

I don't mention my views on marriage to my married friends as I wouldn't want to sound like I was criticising them personally, and clearly lots of people are very well suited to married life. By the same token they are polite enough not to comment disparagingly on my life of happy singleness.

However, I do say something if people make stereotypical comments on roles within marriage, e.g. wives ironing husbands' shirts or whatever. I think that's fair game.

marriage makes my eyes glaze over, personally
but I'm prepared to make the conventional noises, as you do

Why is varying the name of your father and all your male forefathers more feminist than carrying that of your partner?

Why is the name we were given at birth not considered to be our name? Why is the husband's name from birth considered to be "his" but a woman's name is just borrowed from her father?

To answer the OP, I wish them well and give a copy of Wifework!

good prezzie, belle !

Trills-it's not a 'I only want to talk to people who agree with me issue'

I want to know how people with a certain belief system handle a practical issue -can you not see the difference?

The consensus seems to be that if you are anti-marriage you should keep your mouth shut and 'lie' to your friends.

Hmm I'm struggling to see how that's different to telling a gay person not to 'come out' in case they make some bigot uncomfortable...

I congratulate them on finding someone that makes them happy and that they want to spend the rest of their life with.

I am married, but didn't have a wedding, don't wear a ring etc etc, we married because we wanted to be together and wanted the security that it offers - incidentally DH was primary carer when DS was little so needed the financial protection.