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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Congratulating women on getting married

164 replies

Margerykemp · 29/07/2012 21:42

Everyone I know seems to be getting married at the moment.

I tend not to be invited to the actual event (another thread) but the inevitable Facebook status changes and everyone else 'likes' that.

For others I'm more in touch with via text I feel I should acknowledge it but...

All of this sits uncomfortably with me. I am becoming increasingly anti-marriage. My heart sinks every time I see a woman change her name lose her identity.

And why does it seem compulsory to make the big white dress photo as your profile pic? Strangely the grooms don't...

I'm such an old cynic- I just think to myself that half of them will divorce eventually.

I don't tell anyone this but I feel like I'm lying about my beliefs when I approve this oppressive patriarchal institution.

I think they would just think I'm bitter ( I've been in a ltr longer than most brides)

How do other feminists handle their friends weddings?

OP posts:

edam · 29/07/2012 22:48

I'm very happy for my friends who find love, whether they decide to make a public declaration or not. Some of the more traditional stuff that surrounds weddings can be a bit eek - the men making the speeches while the women stay quiet (thankfully that is slowly changing - when I made a speech at my wedding it was quite unusual, more common now).

There's been a lot of dodgy baggage around marriage in the past but I do think it is evolving - and there's plenty of sexism around partnerships too. WTF is it that 9 times out of ten, the children automatically get their Father's name, not their Mothers, even when the parents aren't married, for instance?

unholymuddle · 29/07/2012 22:48

they do get all the flaming tableware though.
maybe I should have a not getting married party

AnyFucker · 29/07/2012 22:48

I am not from a middle class family

my family don't give a shit about me, so I certainly don't want to please them

I do however, believe very strongly in my own nuclear "family" and I protect their interests in the best way legally I can (which whether we like it or not, being married is the most direct and easiest way to do that... unless you have a H who gambles the family silver which is another thread)

I also love my H and forsake all others until such time as I change my mind (the same for him)

he does his share of parenting/housework/family support etc though, as do I

unholymuddle · 29/07/2012 22:49

9 out of 10, really - that high?
my dc got my name, I am surprised

KickTheGuru · 29/07/2012 22:49

Would you chose to be as outspoken over a gay couple or a mate who wants an abortion or racism or anyone else who lives a different life?

Being a feminist doesn't mean you get some kind of ticket to tell people what you don't like because you're a woman and a feminist.

People are as entitled to their own opinions and lives as you are. If you don't like marriage, you can nicely suck it up and say "congratulations" and then go do whatever it is you do in your spare time.

I am so far from being a feminist. I like my relationship with my husband. I like that he took on my name - not for feminist reasons but just for a family history reason (on both our parts).

Each to their own though. And if you want to verbally express a negative view on marriage as a feminist, don't get all wound up if people verbally express a negative view on feminists. It's all swings and roundabouts.

KickTheGuru · 29/07/2012 22:51

That's not me being a twat by the way :) Even if it sounds like it

motherinferior · 29/07/2012 22:51

I quite fancy a wedding, I have to say. I like a party. It's the idea of marriage that makes me feel really quite ill.

germyrabbit · 29/07/2012 22:51

i dunno, i just think if i were a feminist, in the way i think of them, being married just wouldn't be an option

maybe i am a feminist though thinking about it, not married, happy with same partner for 20 years

i do think alot of feminists need and love to announce it to all and sundry

yousankmybattleship · 29/07/2012 22:51

How do you handle it? You treat them as intelligent women who have made a choice that is right for them. It doesn't really matter how you feel about marriage, it matters how they feel about it.

germyrabbit · 29/07/2012 22:53

like that bloke in blur, can't just go off and make cheese quietly, has to have numerous articles printed about it in the sunday supplements

LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/07/2012 22:53

I don't think I've ever been so confused by a three-line post, germy! Sorry, obviously time for bed for me, I've no idea what you mean but I'm sure it's very wise.

AF, I do hope those were your actual vows? 'I love my H and forsake all others until such time as I change my mind'. Great stuff.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2012 22:54

muddle I would come to your not-being-married-party as happily as a wedding party

as long as there was cake

unholymuddle · 29/07/2012 22:55

cheese? wtf?
i think we should stop judging each other's choices tbh, cheese or no cheese

AnyFucker · 29/07/2012 22:55

night, LRD

edam · 29/07/2012 22:56

MI, you throw great parties.

I was very anti-marriage on feminist grounds, and having experienced my Father's two divorces, until dh changed my mind and I realised I did want to be with him for the rest of our days and quite liked the idea of celebrating that. But we did our own thing, and had our own style of ceremony.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/07/2012 22:56

I cannot let that go, unholy. It's Coleston Bassett stilton, or I Will Judge.

Law of nature.

A very fine MNer is planning a wedding with such stilton atm. (irrelevant, but it makes me happy)

unholymuddle · 29/07/2012 22:56

yup there would be stacks of cheesecake
I have to find someone to be not married to first I guess
on second thoughts i think I will wait and call it a 50th
bit down the line but I'll hold you to that

LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/07/2012 22:56

Night AF. I am going, honest.

unholymuddle · 29/07/2012 22:57

she wore blueeue stilton
I love a nice stilton
where are you op?

tribpot · 29/07/2012 22:58

There must be lots of occasions in life where people make choices that you personally disagree with, OP. So I am an atheist but when my friend was ordained as a lay member of a religious order, I didn't say "WTF" I congratulated her on a choice that was right for her.

With close friends you could go as far as to say "well, it's not for me but this is about you and I wish you all the very best". But you're hardly going to recruit anyone to the anti-marriage cause who's in the process of actually getting married. Wait a couple of years and I think you might have more success

yousankmybattleship · 29/07/2012 22:59

If a man makes cheese that is reason enough to marry him in my book.

unholymuddle · 29/07/2012 23:00

unless it's body cheese

AnyFucker · 29/07/2012 23:01

oh, don't go there with the body cheese...

yousankmybattleship · 29/07/2012 23:01

Good point.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2012 23:02

take my advice, do not marry anyone with poor personal hygiene

it won't end well

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