Congratulating women on getting married

[Margerykemp]

Everyone I know seems to be getting married at the moment.

I tend not to be invited to the actual event (another thread) but the inevitable Facebook status changes and everyone else 'likes' that.

For others I'm more in touch with via text I feel I should acknowledge it but...

All of this sits uncomfortably with me. I am becoming increasingly anti-marriage. My heart sinks every time I see a woman change her name lose her identity.

And why does it seem compulsory to make the big white dress photo as your profile pic? Strangely the grooms don't...

I'm such an old cynic- I just think to myself that half of them will divorce eventually.

I don't tell anyone this but I feel like I'm lying about my beliefs when I approve this oppressive patriarchal institution.

I think they would just think I'm bitter ( I've been in a ltr longer than most brides)

How do other feminists handle their friends weddings?

it's not lying, it's being polite - some people like that sort of thing
a lot for financial reasons by the look of this thread
just be glad you are free from the obligation

I didn't have a frock, had just the reg office, limited "vows" and I have never done my DH's ironing

he is still my darling husband though, nothing wrong with that

if the cap fits, fine (if it doesn't, you have another problem)

tolerance works both ways

I suppose I regard it in the same way I would any significant event in a friend or colleagues life, particularly one they regard as positive, and wish them well, whether or not I personally see it as a "good" thing for them or for me if I were in their shoes.

muddle "financial reasons" can simply mean security for a SAHM with small children

nothing more sinister than that

But they gay person who's being told to keep quiet isn't wanting to evangelise about homosexuality, whereas you are. It is different.

I am by no means anti-marriage, although I disagree with probably the majority of what goes on and is said about most wedding ceremonies I've been to or heard about.

Can you not perhaps limit yourself to stuff like 'X seems a great guy' or 'hope you had good fun' or something similar, that implies you care about them but doesn't comment what the day was about or what X has just become to them?

I married the man of my dreams, under an oak tree. We had a non-religious ceremony and we BOTH handmade our table decorations. He has changed his name to mine and any children we have will take my (our) name.

I changed my Facebook status though and my profile pic is me in a wedding dress with my DH, using props to make ourselves look as weird as possible.

Each to their own but I wanted something "fun" over traditional. My photographer did a collage of the "many faces of kick" because I have NO decorum whatsoever.

The best was that they accidentally changed my name to his and we discovered that when we went to apply for new passports after our honeymoon (locally). I had to tell them to fucking change it back chop chop

i always think that it's a bit weird for a true feminist to want to get married at all

And I have one gay couple who have double-barrelled their last names (two laydees) and another where one took the others last name (two blokes).

My DH and I are also atheist...

I took my husbands name on marriage, because I wanted to be rid of my father's name.

and yes, there is a story behind that

I could have done it by deed poll too, that is true, but I was getting married anyway

I say "yay!" if it is what they want. I am not a materialist, but if someone buys a brand new car I don't get all down on them, I just say Nice car.

This seems to have become a 'can you be a feminist and be married' thread by default. If you want that thread go start it, don't derail mine.

I think it's odd too, feminists getting married. Even if we do it in the most unconventional, 'feminist' way and try our best, we're still in the end participating in a ceremony that's been used for centuries to reinforce male domination over women.

But we do all, surely, make compromises with the patriarchy for all sorts of reasons ... I don't know of good ways to avoid all of them and I don't believe anyone does.

I'm not married and never will get married although I'm in long term committed relationship. I feel happy to support the decisions others make. Your choices are not theirs.

I don't think it's comparable to telling gay people not to come out - someone's opinion of marriage is just that, an opinion, and it's perfectly possible to keep one's mouth shut about it. Denying one's sexuality is a whole different ball game.

Being friends with people often involves a certain amount of keeping one's views to oneself. I'm sure some of the vegetarians of my acquaintance regard meat-eating with real horror, but they wouldn't tell me so directly.

oh absolutely
the concept of bringing dc up alone can be daunting, and there's no doubt divorcees get much improved provision
op many of my friends live in ways I wouldn't choose, but we refrain from being bigoted about each other. People with different life choices can still get along

why germy, can you explain ?

not all "true" feminists are against marriage

I am against bad marriages

most marriages are not bad, all of the time, when they are I believe in making it easy to dissolve them

I rail against society's pressure on women to always make the sacrifices, but that hasn't been my personal experience

I didn't change my mind, I didn't have a big White dress, I didn't lose my identity.

Not all marriages are the same.

Sorry, married, I cross-posted.

As I see it, you have two 'tact' options: the first is to make your views subtly known by linking to articles on FB about your views on marriage, or by commenting on your beliefs in the context of current events rather than personal events.

This sort-of works for some stuff - my cousins have at least stopped asking me all the time when I'm going to change my name as a result of this sort of thing.

The second option is to find something, however small, you can honestly be happy about that's happened to your friend, and to comment on that. That way they will know you care about them, but you won't have to lie.

it just seems to go against everything feminism stands for (imo anyway)

i imagine most women (who think themselves feminists) do so to keep that status quo in their probably middle class families

i think 'true' feminists wouldn't worry what their families thought and would stick to their principles

I do tend to congratulate, but am often doing it in a rather 'what the hell are you doing that for' way.

why? feminism is about choices no? if you choose to get married not? It's not for me and I struggle to understand it but if it's fair and equal why not?

What if you are feminist and your principles include marriage, though, germy?

Mind you I frequently do the same when people announce first pregnancies. 'Congratulations' I trill, while privately wondering why in hell's name they deliberately chose to ruin their lives....

Margery - I will come back and read the thread tomorrow. Just wanted to say that my dh's facebook photo is of the two of us on our wedding day. Always has been. Mine isn't, not has it ever been.