Today I failed as a feminist.

[youngblowfish]

I am a feminist and have a 14 month old DS. DH and I share childcare as my work is flexible and he gets a lot of time off.

Today during an argument, I realised that DH has not cooked a single meal for DS since he was born. Somehow, I shouldered the burden of feeding our child entirely, although we both work FT, without even realising it! How did that happen? Damn you, patriachy!

Just needed to vent - I am really disappointed in myself.

Dude, don't beat yourself up. You get enough of that shit from living in a patriarchy already.

Be proud of yourself for having noticed.

So will DH be cooking more?

Hot, thanks. In my defence, I have been somewhat sleep-deprived, believe it or not. DS only just started sleeping through, which is why I am regaining some sort of clarity.

Back2Two, of course it actually bothers me. It is not just the cooking, it is the planning, shopping and budgeting that goes with it. DH is a better cook than me and could pull his finger out. Meanwhile, I could be making plans to abolish patriarchy. The first six months my body fed the baby all by itself, so I guess my brain just took over that responsibility once the weaning started - which does make me a feminist failure for the last 8 months.

enimmead That goes without saying. He will be getting very well aquatinted with Annabel Karmel .

I presume you don't like cooking then, as I wouldn't have considered feeding my DC a burden (nappy changing yes! - but not cooking for them).

Unless your DH is a bad cook, I see it more as your DH failing as a parent than you failing as a feminist.

If you were the only one to brush your DSs hair/ clean his teeth while your DH just had all the fun, would that also mean you were failing as a feminist, or that your DH wasn't pulling his weight?

I do most of the feeding of our DC, partly because I'm better at it than DH. this does not mean I have succumb to the patriarchy.

Ah, X-posted. If he's a better cook than you, he certainly should pull his finger out. There is no point in one partner doing somthing the other partner is better at.

I think it's interesting how we overlook these kinds of things and - while I don't think it's a failing (I agree with HotDamn!) it is a good example of noticing the effects that patriarchal views/systems etc have on our lives and even if that is minor I don't see why you shouldn't try to redress the balance. I think that in a lot of families women automatically undertake responsibility for things to do with children that really if you had thought about it logically there was no reason not to share.

The other day we had loads of washing up left to do and were half heartedly arguing over who should do it. DP piped up "Well I've only used two plates out of all of that!" and I replied "Yeah, but most of it was used by DS, not me" - he'd basically forgotten that cleaning up after DS is as much his responsibility as it is mine! (DS is too young to wash up himself.) He did agree as soon as I'd said it though and we split it between us in the end.

Lynette, I don't mind cooking. Sometimes I enjoy it and DS is a blissfully good eater, but being the only one who does it just takes an awful lot of my mental energy. DH is a great cook and used to do the majority of the cooking before DS and still cooks for us a lot.

TBH, I am not really interested in necessarily laying the blame at mine or DH's door for being a failure in one respect or another. What I do find alarming is that it happened without anyone noticing! I really could be doing other things in the time I spend meal-planning - I have papers to write, conferences to plan, people to teach, the world to change. All of these things won't happen by themselves while I bake organic sugar-free carrot cakes, will they?

What was also very funny was DH telling me how he found looking after DS 'relaxing'. I think I would too if somebody else took all the meal planning and preparation out to it! Shame I do not believe in reincarnation, I could always plan to come back as a father.

Bertie, a lot of these things are overlooked. Here is an interesting, if somewhat depressing survey on who clips baby's nails.

I don't expect equality in my marriage - without DH's salary we'd go under, while I am not sure we would notice if I was not earning, so there are basic economic considerations which put me in the position of being the main carer. But we are meant to be sharing childcare.

If your ds is 14 months, he can eat the same as you. No additional meal planning, ditch Annabel Karmel, problem solved

I know that's not really the point of your op but it does sound like you're making a lot of extra work for yourselves.

Well done for noticing.

Ignore the posts that say ignore it because you're not allowd to give a shit about this.

Now you've noticed, you can get cracking on changing it.

Good luck.

ruby, I am not ignoring different opinions. But I still disagree with you. Yes, shared childcare does mean we share a lot of different tasks, but I already specified that I am the main carer and therefore do the majority of childcare as it is, while still working FT. I understand you and Back2two think me petty for noticing and wanting to change it, but as long as it it my life and my time which I spent meal-planning, I reserve the right to be bothered by this. The reason I did not notice it before is not because it is not an issue or takes no time or effort. It is because, even in relationships where both partners identify themselves as feminists (such as mine), it is still difficult to shake off the typical gender-related expectations, especially if these are reinforced by economic circumstances. Yes, I appreciate people have bigger problems, but surely you cannot be suggesting I should roll over and remain in a situation I feel unhappy with because others are in a worse position than me?

Interestingly, I think it was a bit of a shock for DH that he is yet to make a meal for his son. Last night, we had a look at some recipes he would fancy making and he just took DS shopping to get stuff for a Moroccan lamb tagine.

lilbreeze, I completely see your point. But some of the time what we eat will be unsuitable for DS (who seems to be gluten intolerant ATM) and we both want him to have the healthiest diet possible. OTOH, I don't fancy swapping my rare venison steaks or pink duck breasts for a lentil stew with sweet potato. Of course it is a lot of extra work, but I think it is worth it, as long as I am not the only one putting the effort in.

I read some research looking into male and female division of labour where the couple had children. One of the things it specifically looked at was the division of labour where both partners said they were committed to gender equality/feminism. What the researcher found was that in these couples, although both partners said they split household/childcare work equally, actually they didn't.

Just so you know you are not alone. This is what makes fighting patriarchy so hard. It gets inside us.

Back - what you do as a SAHP is totally different to what you expect to do if you are both working out of the home (I have done both as a single paretn and its even different when you don't have a DH).

If both of you are working and one is doing 100% of the planning, buying and cooking of childrens meals despite having no conversation, discussion about it or indeed even any special aptitude which would imply and obvious division of labour into "specialities", then in my view that is something to be addressed.

And it is a feminist issue because I'd venture to guess that's how we were raised (certainly how I was) so tends to be our default setting.

Of course it is a feminist issue. In fact it is very very basic feminism.

Back2Two, DH and I think about inequality in our marriage a lot. If he had been cooking more, I would have had more time to focus on my work. Now he will cook more and I will work more in a fulfilling and fun role which I enjoy. To me, it very much is a feminist issue, for all the reasons specified above. Again, I respect your right to differ, but the unequal distribution of unremunerated domestic labour is one of the reasons why women are disadvantaged on the job market. However, I can appreciate that you are happy with your domestic arrangements.

EatsBrainsAndLeaves, thank you for getting this, in fact thanks to everyone for their supportive posts. This is precisely why I found my realisation so disappointing. I consider myself a pretty switched-on feminist, someone who is reasonably familiar with gender issues both on a theoretical and practical level. DH actively tries to not be sexist and challenges sexist behaviour at work. Yet for over a year, we both failed to notice I was the only one feeding another human being, while prancing around the kitchen in my pinny. Where have I internalised such a damaging stereotype (DM does not cook)?

" while prancing around the kitchen in my pinny" if you were indeed prancing you have failed miserably.

Kewcumber, I was.

for you OP - postcard "couldn't be bothered" www.jackyfleming.co.uk/pages/cards03.html

It's not a question of ignoring it because of not agreeing, it's a question of ignoring contributions which absolutely dismiss and invalidate the OP's right to be bothered about this issue.

FGS you're first post Back2Two, told the OP that her concern was "rubbish".

That it didn't matter, because if it did, then she'd have noticed it 10 months ago.

Way to go to outright dismiss other women's feelings and concerns when they're asking for support.

I make no apology for urging the OP to dismiss posts like that.