Today I failed as a feminist.

[youngblowfish]

I am a feminist and have a 14 month old DS. DH and I share childcare as my work is flexible and he gets a lot of time off.

Today during an argument, I realised that DH has not cooked a single meal for DS since he was born. Somehow, I shouldered the burden of feeding our child entirely, although we both work FT, without even realising it! How did that happen? Damn you, patriachy!

Just needed to vent - I am really disappointed in myself.

Why can't we discuss the little things just because there are bigger issues in the world?

I think discussing and sorting out the little things can free up lots of energy for tackling the big stuff.

I think it is a feminist issue for the following reason, and apologies for again drawing on my own experience (I know this thread is not all about me, but it is the best way I can think to explain it). In the sector DH and I work, the percentage of women in senior management roles is just under 20% and the gender pay gap is 17%. The percentage of women in junior roles is more like 50/50. That means that men and women start off equal but somewhere along the line, women fall out of the picture. This is pretty true across the board in professional jobs, as far as I understand it. This is something worth challenging, I think.
But the way this comes about is surely in part because people like me do most of the childcare and people like my DH will unthinkingly book conferences, work trips etc and take the time they need to do their work. It may seem just like a case of saying, actually no, please don?t go to that conference, because I need to do x,y, or z but for some reason it is not that easy in practice (at least not for me). The question is why not? Either I am just a mug, or it is a feminist issue. It?s not just our personal relationship (which clearly has issues which need addressing), it is also the wider structures of the institutions and the sector we work in which prioritises traditionally male patterns of working (otherwise there wouldn?t be conferences at weekends or in the evening) and indeed, men.

FWIW, I was brought up to think that many of these issues had been resolved. They have not, so yes, in a way it is back to the domestic arguments of the 1970s, if we want to avoid going back to the 1950s.

I think you are guilty of over thinking things. You say that you both work full time and yet you take on the lions share of the parenting. I imagine that this has come about without either of you noticing as you are breastfeeding so have more of a physical attachment to ds. You have noticed and addressed the issue with dh and he is in agreement that he should take on more responsibility. Problem solved. You haven't failed as a Feminist, dh hasn't failed as a parent. You just fell into a routine/rut and are now taking steps to
change that routine.

As your ds gets more mobile and demanding I doubt that both dh and yourself will have as much enthusiasm when it comes to making meals for your child. Looking at a chilli together and discussing what meals could be made with it is all very sweet but isn't representative of what goes in 99 per cent of family homes.

Plentyof pubegardens, thank you for your kind words earlier in the thread. I have found recently that making a plan for the weekend helps a LOT. But getting DH to see that childcare etc is his responsibility and he's not just 'helping' me is a work in progress. Luckily I think he is willing to work on it too.

On an unrelated issue, I'm slightly uneasy about the counter-argument that men don't pull their weight because women gate-keep or don't 'allow' men to do certain things. That may happen, but in my own experience and looking at relationships of friends, it is really not the whole explanation.

his responsibility too, that should say!

Bringing feminism and patriarchy-bashing into this arena is using a sledgehammer to crack a nut

Back2Two Don't worry about it all so much Mrs. It's only someone else's kitchen!

Maybe you have PMT?
(That was a feminist joke).

I have assumed feminism has moved along. I was quite interested to see where it has moved to. It appears to be back in the kitchen in the 50's.

I sometimes (often) think that younger feminists need to go back to first principles. Or, rather, that feminism needs younger feminists to think this stuff through and bite the odd bullet. Women do not have free choice over how to live their lives because, as this thread shows, they feel manipulated by "what other people might think", what's readily available and what seems easier.

If feminism means doing what seems easier, we may as well surrender our vote and have done with it.
I will now take off my dungarees and wax my legs.

This is an interesting and timely thread, as DH and I had an almighty row on .Friday about exactly this stuff (even down to him saying that he did do some cooking, but I pointed out I do all the planning, shopping etc). It is completely a feminist issue. Which is why the argument was so bitter - matter of principle, depressing that we still have to have these arguments etc

So far so good this weekend in a better division of labour, but we shall see how long it lasts... (I'm just back at work after 8 months' adoption leave, so it's a change for both of us)

I agree, summerflower, but feel the big point here is still being missed.

Women's full participation in the workforce in a traditionally male manner is a problem because:
[a] The workforce is structured around the assumption that someone else will do the worker's 'wifework';
[b] Wifework (home work) is considered unimportant or not work;
[c] Women are assumed to be the home workers.

The most available solution to this is to recognise home work for what it is - both essential to workers' wellbeing and necessary for a contented electorate - and to restructure working practices so as to allow optimal participation for both sexes.

Nobody's going to wave a magic wand and make this happen. Changes from the ground up - each woman encouraging each man and each employer to get on board - can make it happen. We're already seeing early shoots, thanks to those who recognise the importance of a work/home life balance.

Every feminist who says it doesn't matter is reinforcing women's status as "wifeworkers" who don't matter in the greater scheme of things.

"Every feminist who says it doesn't matter is reinforcing women's status as "wifeworkers" who don't matter in the greater scheme of things."

Absolutely agree

Who is angry on this thread "if a woman does some wife work within the context of her relationship and their division of labour"?

A necessary pre-requisite for divvying work up is to be aware of the tasks being done, how much work they are and who's doing them. After their little review, the OP and her DH are now aware that she was doing a particular task - and unlike us they do know what he was doing meanwhile. All that will have gone into their review.

I honestly cannot see why you are so disturbed by this. If it's too trivial to spend time on, why continue spending time on it? And now you're making up strawmen. What's going on?

Would love to respond properly to all the posts, but I am swamped with work outside of home ATM. RL is overrated. Can I just say a huge 'thank you' to everyone fighting my corner.

As for all those professing how easy and non-time-consuming it is to feed a child on your own if you do it on auto-pilot, try delegating it once in a while. I would now have literally hours to spare, was it not for the WOH avalanche. It is funny how the small things matter so much, the pressure on me is much lower and, therefore, the quality of my work is much higher. Not a bad result from a small adjustment.

^^ youngblowfish has just highlighted the main issue: Too much wifework drains resources that could be invested in making a difference to the world beyond the home.

Wifework and 'world work' are equally important. Investment in each needs to be balanced. For most it isn't, but the changes can be made one woman at a time.

Back2, who does what matters from a feminist pov: Taking the "easy" path and following gendered role stereotypes serves to propagate the myth that continual home-related tasks are "women's work", both in wider society and down your family's generations.

I think you said you have disabilities so there is another factor to consider in your individual home - it would be foolish to extend that as a matter of principle. I'm not sure what you're arguing here. Politically, you seem to believe in equality both in and out of the home, but personally you're giving the impression that gender roles wrt home work are OK?

It's a feminist issue in everyone's house. If all the women in het relationships do all the wife work, because they are happy doing that and have agreed it amicably with dh, then the women in unequal relationships are not going to have any choice. It's about normalizing men taking their share of childcare and domestic tasks.

Yes. Much better put, madwoman :)

I, for one, don't disagree with anything you've said on this thread, Back2, except about children's learning - teaching methods rarely outweigh parents' modelling in the long run.

What we have is a divergence in perspective. I think feminist considerations permeate all aspects of life because patriarchy is pervasive. Thus, when I make decisions which run counter to the furtherance of gender parity, I do it as a conscious compromise. Time has reinforced my attitude here, not softened it. Youngblowfish posted her query in FWR, not Chat Even in Chat I would have asked her to consider equality issues but, as she posted here, she must have wanted a feminist pov.

I don't think anybody's suggested not "allowing" couples to divide labour as they choose! I'm asking them to think harder and to actively seek work/home balancing solutions.

The feminist issue is that wifework is widely seen as women's work and is undervalued. I say the problem is best addressed by altering both those factors - and that the people who will effect the change are ordinary couples, everywhere. You may have underestimated the power of parental modelling and cultural expectations; if not for yourself then in general.

Yes, of course it is :)