Today I failed as a feminist.

[youngblowfish]

I am a feminist and have a 14 month old DS. DH and I share childcare as my work is flexible and he gets a lot of time off.

Today during an argument, I realised that DH has not cooked a single meal for DS since he was born. Somehow, I shouldered the burden of feeding our child entirely, although we both work FT, without even realising it! How did that happen? Damn you, patriachy!

Just needed to vent - I am really disappointed in myself.

Garlic - which two dads?

I thought MB was a dad. I see I was wrong, but now we've got kim :)

Well done OP

Summerflower, I was in a similar position to you - I'd been a LP before I got together with DP and he moved in with us so all the routines were already in place. It took years for me us to tackle the issue. What finally did it was the DC reaching an age when they really should be a) pulling their own weight and b) learning the necessary skills for independence. What's worked for us is having a rota. That's probably a bit overkill for those whose DC are still small but once you're essentially sharing the house with young adults, it works a treat. Best of all, the resentment has gone and my relationship with DP is so much better as a result.

Book recommendation for those who are having real difficulties in this area: Susan Maushart - Wifework - actually I'd recommend the book to anybody whether they're having difficulties or not because it's really interesting.

I'm not very comfortable with the amount of criticism of women on this thread. I think it needs to be remembered that women are held responsible and criticised for the state of their houses, how the DC are turned out etc. in ways men never seem to be, even when the man is a SAHP.

PlentyofPubes - what age were your dc's when you started the rota?

That might be the way forward.

I'm too ashamed to say. Far Too Old

I do think it's unfair women are criticised for the state of the house and how their children are turned out. It's often other women who are doing the criticism TBH :(.

I do think many mums are also protective of their childcare role as Kim points out - and do find it hard to delegate stuff to Dads such as going to appointments, getting the hair cut, buying clothes etc. Is this because they see themselves as responsible for it because society will judge them (and not the Dad). Is it the same for the house appearance? Some women take more responsibility or worry about it more because they think they will be judged?

And who are the people doing the judging?

since when is feminism about.... you will cook one meal and i will cook one meal. You would only have failed as a feminist if you waited on your DH hand and foot, him refusing to contribute at all to the childrearing or the household for the last 14 months.

I'm really glad I found this thread, because youngblowfish I just realised I'm doing the same thing! Cooking every night even though my DP is a chef!

We split most of the housework equally, he does most of the vacuuming because of my bad back (not a small job with the amount of pets we have!) and I do most of the laundry. Everything else is split down the middle.

Since I do cooking AND dishes, I think DP will be cooking from now on (as I hate it) and I'll be doing the dishes.

Now as it's dinner time here, time to go find DP and ask what's for tea.

enimmead I think we grow up learning that this is the stuff we should care about, be good at and be responsible for. Eventually we internalise it and become self-policing, as well as policing other women. It's the same process that happens with diet and personal grooming.

Plentyofpubes -I don't see this as being about being critical of women (or shouldn't be). I see it as about being self- aware as women about how this happens.

Garlicbum I don't think it always happens because women have pinned too much of their identity to their "womanly" roles. Often I think it can happen more unthinkingly, but nevertheless predictably.

It happens because you are both tired and a bit bewildered by the new parenthood lark. The mum gets more time off from work, reads more books, talks more to other new mums, hangs out on MN etc... So they end up knowing more and doing more, doing more leads to knowing more and so on and you sleepwalk into traditional roles.

Back2Two, FWIW, you are not alone in your views.

I too was drawn by the thread title. And then I realised, this is a storm in a teacup. Just have a grown up discussion between 2 adults. It's not hard. No need to bring in feminism or the patriarchy.

In the meantime, I hope OP is doing the bins and DIY too.

She did have a discussion with her husband.

And as stated, it is a feminist issue and does fall under the patriarchy.

No idea why people feel the need to slate the OP for her own personal feminist beliefs.

This is not slating the OP. Do feminists by definition have thin skins?

Lurking - So what did DP make for tea?

We had one of his home made lamb stews. Yummy! We also agreed having him cooking regularly will help build his confidence to rejoin the work force (he's out on mental disability atm) so I'm REALLY glad I pushed this, because it'll be good for him.

Feminists? No. I do have thin skin though. :)

Well done lurking. Feminism in action!And its even good for DP. And lamb stew sounds gorgeous.

Feminists are people. Some with thin skin, some with thick skin. Just like everyone else.

That's what I was trying to say Eats haha. We're not a mass group of robots, we're people who simply hold feminist values :)

Lurking - no you are wrong. All feminists are hairy, strident, lesbians - fact! . And congratulations on being a RadFem in the quiz.

Back - The division of labour in the home into traditionally male and female roles is a basic feminist issue. I really don't understand how you can be a feminist and not see this?

Back - Division of labour in the home is an issue that all branches of feminism think is a feminist issue. What do you think feminism is?

Sorry Back, haven't read all the thread. But I do think unquestioningly falling into traditional gender roles is a feminist issue. Thinking about who does what and agreeing, yes I will do most/all of the cooking because I enjoy it - fine. Different from suddenly realising you have inadvertently fallen into that role.

And I don't think we need to have a hierarchy in FWR i.e. we can only talk about rape and gendercide. It is fine to talk about all issues.