Old Western men young Asian wife....How in 2012?

[TheFeministWife]

I would really like to explore this phenomenon. I get the money, young body blah de blah. But how the fuck does it happen so often.

My father is leaving my mother for a 45 yr old Chinese woman, he's the last man in his office to dump his wife, of 40 years, for a younger Chinese wife. Many of the Chinese women get pg very quickly and the sight of decrepit Westerners watching his young wife run around with a child is not uncommon.

Is it that we bombard men with the 'ideal' woman so much so that they stay focussed on that their whole lives?

Why doesn't my father care that she only loves him for his passport?

How can he walk away from 40 years?

He's also never going to see myself, sibling or our children EVER again.

TheFeministWife You're the one making this into an age issue with the title of the thread.
Seriously, like others have said, this is not a feminist issue. It is a relationship issue.

To be honest, if I were a predatory male who wanted to use his power to ensnare a beautiful trophy wife, I wouldn't go for a 45-year-old.

Maybe this is love, TheFeministWife, and you are making it into a feminist issue because you cannot face the fact that your parents' marriage has failed.
You're upset and I hope you get past it, but fantasising about this woman being young and in thrall of your father and him taking advantage of that enthrallment may be a mistake because I get the hunch that this is not the case here.

Is there any truth in the idea that UK men like the Chinese / Eastern women because they are sort of submissive? That is something I have heard over and over - the whole Chinese women are more respectful / domestic / feminine. Not sure where the stereotype came from.

I know that part of her attraction is that she's younger, end of. I wonder why so many men fall for younger women whereas it's seldom the other way around. Look at the crap Demi Moore got in comparison to Bruce Willis....

I haven't said that my father has taken advantage, I think you must be confused Wamster.

You can't know that the attraction is that she is younger. Not for certain.
And if you don't think this is about your father taking advantage, why on earth have you posted this in the feminist section?
Because the way I see it, without any patriarchal oppression being involved in a man taking advantage of a woman, I fail to see why this is here and not in relationship section.

Face the facts: your father has fallen in love with another woman and that may have nothing at all to do with her age or the fact that she wishes to take advantage of him.
She works as a rep. She works and supports herself.
You are hurt because your parents have split up but why make it into a feminist issue when it may have nothing to do with feminism? Maybe this is just a case of two people who have fallen in love.
It's difficult for a person who has had a stable family background to accept that sometimes their parents simply do not love each other any more, but you really need to face this fact rather than try to find some feminist explanation for it.

At the age of 45, she is unlikely to have children with him, either.

if I remember correctly the two largest groups of interracial relationships are black men/white women and Asian women/ white men. I would say racial and gender stereotypes align to form these groups, so yes it us a feminist issue.

I dont understand what you mean Tilly. I think I do about the Asian women/white men but I dont about the other group.

Is it his choice or yours to cut contact?

You have posted about a dozen times to make broadly the same point, Wamster. You don't "win the thread" by bludgeoning everybody into submission, you know.

My new chinese step mother (I use that term in it's loosest sense) is certainly NOT submissive. I met one of her friends here in Brussels when they came to visit last year. The friend had done the same thing - married a western businessman visiting China. I liked her - very feisty, good fun - and recently divorced from said businessman.....

Of course it's a feminist issue. It is down to the culture indulging the male sense of entitlement whilst making the woman feel that she has no options, hence probably why OP's mum probably stayed with him after he cheated on her 5 years ago.

In the kind of unequal relationships that patriarchy promotes wives are financially dependent on their husbands so have little option but to stay put. It's a pretty simple concept to understand Wamster.

Surely that explains the rise in divorce petitions by women as they have become more financially independent.

From what the opening poster has described of her situation, I see no evidence of this being a feminist issue at all.
Man in his sixties falls for 45-year-old woman who is financially independent. Sorry, but all these assumptions about her status because she is Chinese is bordering on the distasteful. The opening poster knows nothing about this woman.
Instead of being an adult and accepting that people do fall out of love and split up after 40 years, she is having some fantasy (not meant in a bad way, everybody likes to rationalise bad things) about this woman when in fact this woman sounds financially independent and, at 45, not likely to have children.

Yeah, you've said that. About fourteen times. I think we are all clear on your opinion now, thanks.

The OP also talked about how all the men in her father's office did the same thing. This isn't simply an individual situation that just happens to have gone this way. It's a (multi-)cultural phenomen.

I've named changed because I'm talking about my family and I might be too identifiable under my usual name.

My dad, who separated from my mum when I was young, now lives in Thailand with his 30something girlfriend and 7 year old son. he's in his 60s. I'm in my 40s.

The woman he's with was specifically looking for a western man to marry. He was specifically looking for a young woman to fuck and have some fun but unchallenging times with. She got pregnant so that he would feel obliged to stay with her. He did.

My dad's not stupid. He knows she is with him primarily because he offers material wealth and status. But there's also the fact that, however bad it looks from to me, she is also with him in part because the men of her own peer group are not as nice to women as Western men tend to be. It isn't just about economic difference. He can offer her respect, conversation and a degree of equality she would have a hard time finding without him.

I'm not justifying it TFW. It makes my skin crawl. But you asked how a man in that situation can hold on to his self worth and I think many of them do it by looking at only this aspect and so seeing themselves as some kind of knight in shining armour.

I can agree with the knight in shining armour thing....my dad still insists on paying the mortgage/bills despite now living on benefits and a small pension - all the money is coming from his savings. And he STILL pays money to her family in China. Apparently this is expected on a cultural level

The feminist wife--,can i say how sorry i am.You're obviously very upset as i would be in that situation.I don't think you should completely cut yourself off from your father however,as he is still your family,but i can understand your loyalties are to your mother.This is a really common thing to happen.Chinese women are by no means subservient they are usually the boss so i don't believe this is a feminist issue.Their perception is that expat men are all rich and they will be well looked after.I really don't know whether chinese women [specially one of 45] will fall in 'love'.Some women are really quite predatory and will deliberately set out to capture someone even though they may be happily married.The prostitute usage is also very common.Certainly hk has one of the highest proportion of prostitutes to men in the world.I think its 1 to every 6 men.Having lived in China i have seen so many marriages split up because of this very reason.Make sure your mother finds out as much about the finances as soon as possible,as it is very easy to hide money out there.

While I agree that there are cases where older men seek younger wives who wish to get a 'key' to a better life, the fact here is that the opening poster knows NOTHING about this 'other woman' and is applying a stereotypical version to somebody she has not even met!
To say that ALL Chinese women are like this is really very condescending and seems off. That is my view on the matter.

Wamster, you're just being gratuitously nasty now.

Eh? . So pointing out that not ALL Chinese women are out to ensnare a Western man and perhaps the opening poster should not make assumptions about somebody she has never even met is nasty? Quite the reverse, I'd have thought but hey ho.

Just to put another point of view, we live in an Asian country, and my DH told me a Chinese (male) colleauge of his said that the reason you see Chinese women with Western men who are older/overweight/not great looking is that Chinese men treat women 'like dirt', so they are treated well by Western men in comparison.

I know that's a huge generalisation and cannot apply to every Chinese man, but still, food for thought.

I think that in these sort of relationships there is often a trade off between what each person gets out of the relationship, each is getting their particular needs met in some way, the same as in any relationship. I have come across a few of these relationships and all bar one seemed happy.

The one that didn't almost brought me to tears though. I came into contact with the woman via work and was trying to explain what would be happening next (a bit technical but not too bad) but her english wasn't very good and she looked to her husband. I thought that seeing as there was a four year old child running around he probably spoke her native tongue - as has been the case in other instances. Instead he spoke to her louder and slower. I was mortified it was like those stereotypical English moments where someone assumes if they shout at someone slowly they'll magically understand.

money

I've lived in Asia and it is a problem. The men are usually quite successful and their heads get turned when they go somewhere where they are as the big cheese, Asians show a lot more respect to their superiors and what with many local women suddenly showing a huge interest in often middle age men who would never get a look in with a younger, attractive woman back 'home' - these guys can loose their sense of what is acceptable back home, let their egos run wild and start believing the hype. So many around them are doing it to normalise it and prostitution is rife amongst this business community. This story is just so common.