Old Western men young Asian wife....How in 2012?

[TheFeministWife]

I would really like to explore this phenomenon. I get the money, young body blah de blah. But how the fuck does it happen so often.

My father is leaving my mother for a 45 yr old Chinese woman, he's the last man in his office to dump his wife, of 40 years, for a younger Chinese wife. Many of the Chinese women get pg very quickly and the sight of decrepit Westerners watching his young wife run around with a child is not uncommon.

Is it that we bombard men with the 'ideal' woman so much so that they stay focussed on that their whole lives?

Why doesn't my father care that she only loves him for his passport?

How can he walk away from 40 years?

He's also never going to see myself, sibling or our children EVER again.

How old is your father? I am guessing around 65? Sorry, but the age gap between a 45-year-old and a 65-year-old is not that much in terms of real-life. 45 and 25? Oh yes a huge difference.
Don't make it even worse for yourself by seeing the age gap as yet another thing that bugs you on this issue. Lose that at least because, really, your father has not been stolen by some young woman using her youthful charms on him to get a visa.

Soory, www, I'm in the UK. I was talking about my travels in the far east.

Sorry, but the age gap between a 45-year-old and a 65-year-old is not that much in terms of real-life.

I think it is. It's pretty much a whole generation. He's old enough to be her father. And in terms of real-life experience, as an oldie myself, 45 year olds seems pretty young to me, and in many cases pretty immature too....

My sister is 41 this year!! But I suspect as details unfold, as always when men fuck off, it will much more sordid and that she is much younger.

But I know he wouldn;t have done it here, he doesn't have enough money (a la Hugh out of Puffner) to buy a Western wife.

You can't say he wouldn't have done it here. He's gone looking for someone to flatter his vanity... paid for it originally, got it for nothing subsequently.... and I can't see location would have made much of a difference. Do you know that he was scrupulously faithful for the rest of the marriage or has he always played away.

Your mother's had a lucky escape and deserves your support. Your father deserves your pity but not your hatred. Life's too short for that.

I'm not sure it's a feminist issue. It seems to be a normal case of somebody leaving a marriage for somebody else. I'm sorry for your mother, but it's not exclusively a male phenomenon. I can't comment on the situation in China, but if she's 45 and they met through work it's not as if he's purchased a 17 year old Thai bride. Hope things work out for your parents.

Cogito, it's true one couldn't say whether the op's dad might not have strayed had her parents been living somewhere else. Maybe he would have still thought of having a fling or leaving his wife regardless of where they lived.

However, dumping your wife for a younger woman tends to be frowned upon at least a bit more in the UK. Also, as the OP says, he wouldn't have had as much money, power or status in the UK to be of similar appeal to younger women here.

Because of his elevated power and privilege in China, he had more opportunity to act on any inclination to stray. So, the location is imho, very important.

It is certainly in my mind a feminist issue in part because it is the result of a further extreme of male entitlement and an indictment of a world in which many girls and women see their best prospects of survival or at least attaining a decent standard of living tied into selling themselves to more powerful men.

With respect, TheFeministWife, men who are after 'trophy wives' or a woman to do precisely what they say do not usually go after 45-year-old women.
I find it interesting that you are thinking of this in terms of your dad's age. Your father's is age is not really relevant. So what if he is about 20 years her senior? She herself is a 45-year-old woman. A 45-year-old woman. far from adolescence and youth, surely?
Like Daughteroflilith says, she is not a 17-year-old Thai bride.

How many men leave their wives for older women? And I most certainly think that for him it is about age, perhaps given the fact he has a forty one year daughter he couldn't go any younger. Perhaps she is younger and we'll find out later or maybe never, I certainly don;t think I'll ever meet her.

But leaving my father aside and all of the men in his office who have ended up sending their families back to the UK so they can move on with their Chinese gfs, none of which has a wife closer than 15 years in age, their is certainly an issue with Wealthy (relative wealth, so Westerner in Asia, Millionaire in the States) being able to find very young wives.....what is going on for the men?

What, aside, from wealth makes them a good catch? Or don't they care?

TheFeministWife. I understand that you are hurting and sympathise with that pain, however, younger does not mean young. Can't you see this?

You say this woman is 45. By Western, patriarchy standards (not mine!) -which you are attributing to your father and what this thread seems to be about- that is positively ancient in terms of women's attractiveness terms.
Forty-five-year old women do NOT frequent the covers of soft (or hard) porn mags, do they? They don't appear on page 3 of the Sun.
Whatever your father is doing, he is not following the Western tradition of 21-year-old trophy wife, is he?

And why this image of China as a backward country? It has the fastest growing economy on earth. She inspected the factory with your father. Why would this be so if not on similar level to him?
I think you are deeply upset-as anybody would be!- and have made this into a stereotypical feminist issue when it may be 'just' a relationship issue.

Fair point wamster- but I was told that this was not a relationship issue by op /£3! Mentioned this

Wamster, I think you are missing an important point. There isn't a defined universal age at which a woman ceases to be eligible as a "trophy wife." In any case, the OP seems to think her father or the woman in question are lying about her true age and she may be younger.

Put it this way - maybe he has the wealth and status as a 60 something man to "land" a 40 something woman but not enough to get a 20 or 30 something women.

No, she's a rep and father runs the whole of production for one of the largest companies in the world. Don't be fooled by thinking that just because an economy is doing well that people are progressive, they are not. I have spent too long in that country, and Thailand to not see the countless old men with young wives and children.

Forget whether or not she's young, in my father's case, as far as I'm concerned she is not his age. And hurting doesn't even begin to describe how I feel that not only he's left my mother with half a house and half his pension, I will also never see him again, my children lose a GRandparent.....which is also a feminist issue. How men seem to walk away from a marriage and all family associated with it much easier than women.

Getting back to the discussion I was hoping to have and merely airing my dirty linen as a starting point......

How does a man justify his worth/value in a relationship like this?

Does he not care that it's about a passport or money?

God how awful. My ex next door neighbour is a middleaged overweight man with health problems with a younger thai wife who doesn't speak much English, doesn't speak to anyone. My mum's friend is from thailand who married an english white man as part of an arrangement. It's buying people therefore it is slavery and it's fucking disgusting.

But your hurt is down to the fact that he has left your mother.
She is not his age, but so what of it? Plenty of people go off with people who are not their age.
The age here is irrelevant in terms of any potential emotional abuse by the patriarchy. A 65-year-old man cannot emotionally take advantage of a 45-year-old adult woman. He could a 17-year-old girl.
In this respect, it is surely a relationship issue not a feminist one, then.

Any 'taking advantage' will be down to economic status not age.

What I'm trying to say here is that while I can most definitely see a predatory male of 35 using age to take advantage of a 15 -year-old girl, I find it impossible to believe that a 45-year-old woman could be brainwashed and led astray by a man 20 years her senior just because he is older than her.

FeministWife, I think humans are pretty good at pulling the wool over their own eyes if it makes them feel better. One can ignore some pretty awful stuff if we think that we are getting something we want or will eventually get something we want in the end.

Men who leave their wives/partners for what in their mind is a newer, better model, will probably make up plenty of excuses to justify what they do in leaving (e.g. spark is gone, wife's too bossy or bitchy, I don't feel loved, sex isn't so good, etc.) and focus only on the elements of the new relationship that make them feel good, (e.g. she must love me, look how attentive she is, she treats me like a king, I can do whatever I want to her and it's okay, etc.) They can easily overlook what to others might seem unsavoury, like the power imbalance. They can also ignore what are probably the woman's real motivations for being with them.

Women in such relationships are really doing the same thing in terms of rationalising the situation. They think of the benefits of having a full belly, a warm home and decent clothes to wear, maybe a chance of an education and some "luxuries" in life, a better prospect for her children, etc.. It might seem a better option than the alternatives - selling sex to many men, grinding poverty, hunger and exploitation, working to exhaustion, etc.) They can convince themselves that being a servant to and having sex with a person you may not have much feeling for is a price worth paying for what they get.

How does a man justify his worth/value in a relationship like this?

Does he not care that it's about a passport or money?

Maybe he is thinking, I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time and just making some selfish decisions. Maybe the simple answer is he doesn't care it's for a passport he's just thinking,'What do I have on my side that I can use to my advantage?'

I hope your mum finds a new lease of life when she gets over the initial shock and moves on and finds someone else.

KRITIQ. Trophy wives tend to be a Western phenomenon. According to Western view of women, they become sexually invisible post-40. Therefore, a 40-year-old woman is of as much sexual 'worth' as a 60-year-old one and vice versa.
NOT my view. Just trying to see it from the pov of a culture that sees youth as being the only thing that is attractive in women.

Besides why is this only about the father? I'm trying to see it from the other women's perspective and I find it really hard to believe that a 60-something man can use age to pull the wool over the eyes of a 45-year-old woman.
Something a 40-something man could very well do with a teenage girl. That's all.

Ah Wamster. I see you're on this thread too. Methinks you have an axe to grind here...

Right so age is a feminist issue, the fact that you don't see old Western women with young Asian men (well I never have) is also a feminist issue. Simple money/power balance.

Also she has chosen a Westerner not a Chinese man to fuck off with....

And who said it was age that pulled the wool over the eyes of this woman? I am not talking about a man exploiting and taking advantage of a woman, but his economic status is enough to snare him a possibly beautiful younger woman.

An axe to grind? Why? My dh is only ten years older than me! You are here too, so I suppose I can say the same about you as well.