Sarah Harding- domestic violence

[Victorialucas]

Just heard this on 'this morning'- the way they were talking about it made it seem like they were equally in the wrong, even though she's the one who ended up in hospital.

www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/4039996/Girls-Aloud-Sarah-Harding-Theo-De-Vries-got-me-by-the-throat.html

Its quite a depressing read.

I expected it to be a story along the lines of her speaking out to help others kind of thing. Its a bit of a car crash story. He is clearly a violent man and obviously she is better off without him but she also has her own demons and should be getting help rather than talking to the newspapers.

He went to hospital too - she bit him so badly he needed an injection.

Pretty depressing all round - some interesting points in here

blog

Good link Gigondas and some very sound advice for Sarah Harding, poor girl.

Think they were both as bad as each other - cause who do you believe
I bet she can be a right nightmare and I think maybe she was equally if not more violent - did you see his bite mark?
But maybe I'm wrong and it was self defense?

Well given that she's the one who ended up in hospital, I'd guess that her violence wasn't worse than his.

Human bites are very infectious, I think you always need an injection. Horrible, but I agree with Basil on this one.

Moral of the story: don't pull someone you are in rehab with. I did. Same result minus the gin.

It's difficult to be sure because her account is more than a bit garbled in the telling but it does sound like her throwing a mug (or possibly ashtray) at him was the first violent act by either of them. From there it escalated into an ugly drunken brawl.

As the blogger in the link gigondas posted so eloquently said, hooking up with someone you meet in rehab is never a good idea. Thinking that you'll keep each other sober is dumb and explicitly warned about. Not walking away when one of you subsequently resumes drinking is downright bloody stupid.

It is inevitable that one of them would have come off worse than the other. But under the circumstances I don't think that implies that the one with the worse injuries holds any particular moral high ground over the other. They both behaved idiotically and it smells more to me of typical alcoholic drama than anything else.

Yes, agree Snorbs although nonetheless terrifying for her no doubt - but god, isn't it bloody sad that she is showing her bruises in the Sun

Yes I tend to agree although i did actually know 2 alcoholics years ago, who met each other at AA and agreed that if either of them drank, that would be it.

Both of them have never drunk since, that was about 20 years ago.

(Though they have subsequently split up, but not because of booze)

That blog is very offensive Gigondas, claiming they are both as bad as each other. The blogger shows zero understanding of what happens in domestic violence cases.

Sarah Harding was defending herself.

It is very common for violent male abusers to claim that the woman defending themselves from them was violent too (it's where the MRAs get their "women do it too" statistics). The sad thing that people are only too keen to line up to believe them, because it makes a tidy moral certainty (they are both as "bad" as each other) and nobody has to stand up for women being beaten.

Women who are beaten do defend themselves, that doesn't make them abusers. Anybody who is being violently attacked will fight back if they can.

Some men go into rehab and places like alcoholics anonymous and target the women in there. It's even got a name - the 13th step.

I'm amazed that on a thread about a man attacking a woman in a Feminist Section none of this is being raised and instead people are tut-tutting at the victim.

Women, know your place, don't fight back:

"When you fight back in a row all you do is up the ante, and the violence only ever gets worse. Look at yourself as hard as you are looking at him."

She should have just allowed herself to be beaten and dragged across the floor by her hair and pinned to the floor by her throat. Stirling advice to all women.

really wish I hadn't read that, was only looking in on my way back to the tack room, it brought a powerful reminder of my husband dragging me into a main road by my hair and kicking me in the face and head and torso

I don't know if the police were just passing or if someone had called them but the officers put us both in their car and asked me if I had been drinking or had taken any drugs, I was just ??? and then they dropped us at home, together

I still wonder why they did that

Police can't get between a man and his property wife.

Sorry he did that to you Mitchie, and the police responded the way they did.

For the people who think that Sarah is as bad as her attacker - ask yourselves how he got a bite on his inner thigh. Do you really think that she just made a lunge for it and took a chunk out of it when they were standing arguing, or do you think that perhaps she's telling the truth and that he had her pinned to the floor and was smashing her head against it, and that was the only way she could fight back? The bite confirms her story, it doesn't make her look equally culpable.

He also attacked her when she was trying to leave, more classic abuser behaviour.

I don't imagine for a moment any of us will know the truth of what happened between them: there are three versions of everyone's story, yours, mine and the truth.

I would think that what has been released to the press by each of them has been carefully controlled by publicists to make the teller appear to be the victim. But I don't think either of them has done themselves any favours by telling their stories to the Sun. Better to return to rehab and to try to get the help both of them appear to need so desperately.

thunderboltsandlightning Fri 06-Jan-12 10:27:09:

Police can't get between a man and his property wife.

As far as I am aware, police can pursue abusers independently of a victim's statement, so I am not sure what you mean here?

it was a response to me wondering why the police did that, I think

if they could 'get between us' in those days and in that place, they chose not to. They didn't ask if I wanted to press charges. My own friend was disgusted with me for provoking him. Sorry, this thread reminds me of it all.

It's interesting, in some altercations I've inflicted far more serious injuries than I've received yet the recipient doesn't flinch every time I move, sleeps soundly and doesn't appear to blame himself. Lots of people encourage me to blame myself even when it was unprovoked and I haven't retaliated.

It's awful that the police just left you with him without investigating what was going on.

I would hope it would be different now but I don't know whether it is. There's a case in Australia though (noticed it because the accused is one of the actors in a programme I watch) where the police are charging the man even though his partner is refusing to testify against him so I suppose there is hope that they are beginning to take domestic abuse more seriously.

Mitchy I hope you're not still in that situation!

no no, that episode = ancient history

(we are still married but we don't see or speak to one another)

Poor girl. I'd love to know what the hell is meant by that class comment upthread.

She obviously didn't take the rehab seriously. It is imperative not to get involved in relationships for a start.